SafeHaven

Why can’t I open my mouth?  Why can’t I tell you?  I think it’s because you love me.  I think it’s because everyone who I should tell loves me.  And it’s so much better to hold it in—better for them.  They look so happy when they see me smile.  And sometimes it’s genuine, but I still want to die, the whole entire time…Why can’t I tell you?  Because you care enough to stop me.  Because I don’t want you to.  Because it’s over and you can’t see it in my eyes.  There are just too many lies.  I’m good at this now, and there’s no […]

I think I know what to do now.  It’s kind of calming.

I wish you were here to help me…to explain all of this to me.  And I wish I weren’t so terribly selfish that I am wishing you back from the grave, from peace, just to help me figure out my life.  I don’t know what went wrong with me when you died…why I fell apart, glue all unstuck.  I know you said to dad that I was never stable, not in the entire 6 years you treated me, but I wasn’t sick in the mind then.  I was able to be me.  I was functioning and happy and full.  I had my times…had those freezing […]

It’s like wanting to yell out for help

And then being scared of what might happen if you do

Of how it will affect your friends

Your family

Your loved ones

And you

So you find yourself hiding and fighting alone

And wishing it would disappear so you don’t have to feel at all

That’s what it’s like

When it creeps all of a sudden

When everything is fine

And glorious until then

And everything falls down

When you think it is fine

And you are stuck writing poems

To clear your mind

Wow that was a crappy poem but hey it’s how I feel….does anyone else get this?

I don’t think anyone on here remembers me other than Duke, but, if you do, I just wanted to give an update.  I’ve moved back down to Memphis from Philadelphia.  I was there in the hospital for 5 weeks after trying my damnedest to stick it out in college.  Things fell apart.  I was a mess.  The outlook on my survival was not so hot.  But I lived through the attempt thank god and ended up in the hospital.  Mom couldn’t take it anymore after I went to the hospital this last time–it was time # 6–and decided to leave me in the hands of […]

I promised I wouldn’t come back to this site…or any suicide site.  But here I am.  And I don’t really see the point in resisting.  If I feel like cutting myself senseless, feel like killing myself, isn’t it better to get it out rather than hold it in and suffocate to death?  Yes I should have kept my promise but I am screaming inside and I don’t think out of all the things I could do, that this is the worst, or the thing that would cut the deepest.  I just wish this pain would go away forever because I am so sick of it […]

The scream

It reverberates in my head

Without ever leaving my lips

Winding and twisting and writhing in pain

It begs me to run

To yell

To be free of this ragged mess

They yell before me

And they cry

But my eyes are dry and uncaring

But behind my icy glare

I know I care

And I churn in pain

At their mounting rage

But what can I do

But what I do to myself

What can I do

To undo their mess

What can I do

To help their pain

All I can do is make my own

The temptation is there

One I push away

To claw at my skin

And watch it fall away

To see the blood dew

And listen to the yells

Inside my head

Until I […]