Poems I wrote tonight

The scream

It reverberates in my head

Without ever leaving my lips

Winding and twisting and writhing in pain

It begs me to run

To yell

To be free of this ragged mess

 

They yell before me

And they cry

But my eyes are dry and uncaring

But behind my icy glare

I know I care

And I churn in pain

At their mounting rage

 

But what can I do

But what I do to myself

What can I do

To undo their mess

What can I do

To help their pain

All I can do is make my own

 

The temptation is there

One I push away

To claw at my skin

And watch it fall away

To see the blood dew

And listen to the yells

Inside my head

Until I can’t hear their pain

Ever again

 

I want to ring my ears

Until there is no hearing left

As I clutch at the openings

And beg to be deaf

But I can see her mouth gape

And watch the tears fall down

So I wish I could be blind

And not see for myself

But I could still feel the chill

And the pain they both feel

So I wish I had nothing

And I had not been born into this mess

———————————————————–

Death

A blissful break in the pain

A chance to stop the screaming

In my head

And never

Ever

Come back to it

 

Why do I seek this

Beautiful respite

Whenever the punches roll to bite

Why do I seek this

Deceptive grace

Whenever the pain pieces my heart

Why do I languish for this

Certain end

Whenever there is gloom in my midst

 

I fight in action

But not in mind

As I let the poisonous thought leak through me

And tangle in my brain

Winding its way into the cockles

The crooks and the crannies

Burying itself deep

So that one day

When I crack

It’ll be there to break me free

And let me live pain free

In death

————————————————-

The blackness

Pulls tight over my body

Like saran wrap

Adhered to my nose and mouth

Wrapped around my arms

Holding them fast to my sides

With only my legs free

But God knows I can’t run

 

I choke and heave

But there is nothing to be done

Because I am suffocating alone

With no one to watch as I thrash

My heart rising and falling in my chest

Each beat threatening to be its last

 

And I don’t want to die

But there is no way I can live

As my own life is being strangled from me

And I want to run

To find help

But my legs are broken and useless

 

Who did this to me?

Who tied me up

And robbed me of life?

I look around

And see the box

Laying lamely by my side

And a pair of scissors

Glistening silver in the blackness

 

Looking down at the scissors

I realize I did this to myself

And there is no way I would grab the scissors

Even if my arms could move from their wraps

Because I did this

And there is no going back

No matter how many times I have come to this place

This time there is no return

 

I hold my breath

Wishing it to happen now

Wishing the end to hurry up and engulf me

But also reveling in the pain

Because it matches the pain in my heart

And I wish, as I die, that I could have found a way

To live for those who love me

But then I stop

As my eyes black out from lack of oxygen

And realize that I was dead even when I was alive.

————————————————————

The darkness of night

Falls into the brightness

And extinguishes

Everything you hold dear

In one fluid motion

Of the world ending

 

It’s over

There are no more beginnings

And nothing really happened

To case the end

But it’s here

 

You can feel it rush over you

You can feel it wipe all other feelings from your heart

And you know it’s over

Because there is no where to go

No corner to cower in

Or depths in which to hide

There is nothing but nothing

And you are suddenly nothing too

 

So what does one do in this impending doom

When the world has ended and left you stranded

When there is nothing to fight for

But no way to escape

Stuck in forever

And unable to move

A hostage to any plan to belie your fate

 

There is no way to break free of the mess

No matter how many times and ways you try

The black holds tight over your lips

And your limbs as you thrash

Against the inward battle of wills

And lose

Yet again.

—————————————————-

Twitching my lips in pain

Squinting my eyes against the sear

Curling my toes to hold still

Digging my nails for leverage

As I trace the blade on my skin

And let the blood flow thick

 

Breath catching in my chest

And emotional pain to boot

Rising in my heart

As I watch yet another

Blood-filled napkin fall into the trash

But I know I’m not done

I’m not ready to stop

 

I pick the blade up

And I press in back again

And I watch as my life unfolds before me

And my dream and wishes and aspirations

Fall away into nothing

All at the mercy of the blade

 

Not because this causes death

Though I don’t care much at that point if this ends it

But because I know I will never be able to stop

And it will infect me

Until I die

Old and grey

With nothing to offer anyone

But a world of scars

And bloody tissues in my outstretched hand

 

I have to stop

I know this too

If I want anything from this life

But in the moment

All I want is blood

Not as a vampire wants others blood

But as I want my own

Spilled before me

Lying in a puddle of my own making

Red and dark and liquid

——————————————–

Why won’t you kill me

Why won’t you just take it from me

Make it easy for me

Put the bullet in my head

So I won’t have to do it myself

 

It would be so nice of you

It would be a favor

I would thank you as I die

For I didn’t ever break my promise

I didn’t kill myself

You did

 

Why can’t you save me from myself

In the kindest and easiest way

Just take me out into the meadow

Of hopes and dreams

And kill them

 

Run me over with a car

Stab me in the back

Shoot me in the head with your gun

Chop my head off with my own guillotine

 

I could go on

I know you can too

There are a million and one ways to save me

And when saving and killing are one in the same

Why wouldn’t you do it?