Ive been thinking about it all day. Â I’ve realized it’s just a matter of time before my impulses get too bad and I attempt suicide again and fail again and lose everything and end up in a hospital again and ruin all my relationships. Â So I accept defeat. Â I’m going to plan this out and do it right so there is no going back.
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What kind of talk is this? People said the great Moscow Flyer was finished, too old. Did he listen, NO! He came back at the age of 11 to become champion again. Never give up on anything.
duke i’ve fought 10 years–i know that’s nothing to some of the people on here–and it’s not going to be getting better. i realize that now. it might at times and then it will monumentally fall apart. and i will get so much better and achieve so much and then find myself back way behind square one with nothing again. i can’t stand this cycle. and i’m not letting myself have a suicide mishap like last time where i was fighting against the pills until i couldn’t stand it anymore and overdosed. i’m going to do it right and be done with it. i wish i could find some cyanide but it looks online like that’s near impossible unless i save up peach pits or something. that doesn’t seem reliable. until i find the most fool proof way i’m here and i won’t let myself cut because that’ll lead me to the hospital too. i’m just going to figure out how to get out and do it. and i won’t tell anyone in my real world because they will stop me and hospitalize me.
fool proof way- jump of a high overpass overlooking the freeway. this is what i plan to do.
correction i won’t let myself cut if i can help it. and i will tell dad i don’t feel good cuz it’s obvious but i won’t let him have any inkling of an idea of what it all means. He doesn’t know this but I know how to lie when I have to. It’s only ever been about this. And he trusts me. It’s like bile in my mouth to lie. But i have to.
charlie i wouldn’t judge you for it, but i don’t think i can stand to kill whoever i land on and whatever accident it causes and whatever PTSD it causes
i hate to think of you dying charlie…..but i’m such a hypocrite. i’m sorry i’m a hypocrite, but i really hope you don’t die.
were all hypocrites dear. the thought of you dying is horrible. i hope you dont do it.
thanks….i just don’t see the point of this cycle. I basically wrote out what I want to say to my doctor: “Is there a legitimate way for me to stop having these impulses altogether—forever? And if so, what is it? Because I swear to God I WILL find a legitimate way to exit this life with no chance of recovery if this is the cycle I am doomed to repeat.” But yeah i probably won’t actually say that because he’ll lock me up. i’ll just do it.
we have alot in common..mentally that is. i also have borderline. and bi polar 2 disorder. you shouldnt tell your doctor that..he’ll lock you up. i dont want that to happen.
they said i had bipolar 1 but they are similar. the difference is that 1 has manias and 2 has hypo manias, but they both pretty much suck. i don’t know what i have tho charlie because my newest doc is saying i don’t have any of that–just ocd. i don’t understand why i feel this way if that is the case
poor girl..are you just clinically depressed? maybe not so much ocd..? i dont know..i shouldnt try to label you. we all get labeled enough as it is. i get very bad manic episodes. very violent. always with very bad consequences.
if you go off the handle and lose touch with reality in your manias then it probably is type 1. that was my problem, why they labeled me one. i got so crazy i was naked and on top of my bed and it was an attic ceiling and i had this stupid want to jump up and down and i jumped so hard i cracked the ceiling with my head. totally lost grip with reality with my manias. my face contorts and i don’t look or sound or act like myself. i’m not myself. but there is still some small voice in the back of my head noting that that is what is happening to me…so i’m semi grounded, i just can’t access that part. i dunno.
wow…you have the happy kind of mania. i have the “im going to kill anything in my sight” kind. theres two types. i just cant recall the names..we should talk more. if i gave you my email would you email me dear?
i would….but i feel bad about getting too close cuz i really don’t know how long i plan on sticking around.
and the manias aren’t all good because i also get paranoid during them. when i’m by myself or with one other person they can be fun but in a group of people and i can tell they are all staring and i’m shaking and jittery and can’t control myself and laughing without humor…it’s pretty nightmarish. and then i crash and want to die. so yeah.
just sent you an email