trulymindless1

Trying to just move into a 1 bedroom next week.

I’m tired of trying to explain myself when it comes to how I’ll make payments and the like…

Everybody is saying to stay the course another year and get it together, stay with your brother. I’m fed up, not with my brother, fed up that this is the best I’ve been financially so far. I’m not saving much money, I’m trying to get some better certifications and move up at work… It just seems like despite what I’ve done to get to this point, it’s just not enough. Nothing seems to prove that […]

Things are going downhill in the mainland US (I only know about things going on in the US, so I’ll talk about it over here).

Everything I’ve seen or kept up with is just showing things in freefall. Housing, the economy, and the ability to survive is just getting more and more insane. So in no particular order:

Housing: You’re forced to deal with either overpriced houses that are basically impossible to get, especially in urban areas, and if you get lucky and find a house, you’ll be paying up the ass to maintain and renovate it, because shit is more expensive now. […]

Been a while since I’ve come here and posted. Going on 10 years on this platform in some capacity. Some things have improved. Some have worsened. I’d like to think that my semblance of self is still there somewhere.

I was a teen when I started here. I’m more of a man now. Things for me aren’t bad, but I’m wondering about my mental state.

I go to therapy. It does help. I’m glad I finally went.

I think something is wrong with my brain. Maybe I just process things differently. I could well have the mentality of a young teen […]

Break is almost over.

Still have stuff I need to do.

Lost a game save I didn’t back up. Deleted the few games I have in frustration.

Don’t even know why I started gaming again after I said I’d stop to begin with.

I may as well save my money, not get a new GPU and CPU when I have working parts currently and just try to fix the computer so it isn’t so noisy.

Not sure what to do now, now that I’ll try to cut games out again.

Maybe watch anime, focus more on computer repairing and […]

Fortunate enough to have PTO to cover me this week.

I was able to find a therapist. Finally got an appointment for the first time in years tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes.

Looked for computer parts to upgrade my setup, found nothing. But I felt better going outside and looking for computer parts instead of staring at a computer screen for 8 hours at work.

Broke my 2 month long sober streak, drinking all now.

Feeling a bit dissapointed atm. Not sure of the person I’ve become unfortunately. Things are better in some aspects, worse in others.

I just […]

I have an overall plan.

Things overall are better, probably doing the best I’ve ever done monetarily, which helps, but I have a ways to go.

I tried to stop playing video games, that did not last. However, I’m finding I’m not enjoying them like I used to. I react to them and certain other things, but at some point I just feel a bit indifferent, like I’m playing some of them out of obligation.

I don’t care for wrestling either, one of the things I enjoyed since I was a child. Haven’t watched any of it in over a year now. I keep up with storylines here […]

I’m starting to think I screwed myself in the long term back then.

Had someone who loved and cared for me deeply, that I broke it off with because they’re so far away (LDR) and I didn’t want them to be stuck with me as their only option. They’re happier now, with someone else. We still talk, but not nearly as much as before, which really sucks. I care for them deeply, and that won’t change, but I’ve noticed the change since then. We have a deep connection, even now, but I know she’s happy with this other person anyway so I’ll be a […]

It’s a couple of things that have me feeling this way, a lot of shit that’s happened in the last few weeks. Between all the storms, someone I love gone, losing interest in things I used to enjoy. Idk, I’m just finding myself getting angrier and angrier lately.

I never have answers to improve my overall situation. I have to just sit here and stew because I’m so angry.

I don’t know why I even watch the videos I watch on youtube. I’ve lost my sense of self, and was reading a self help book on how to find that sense of self […]

Was playing some old reggae music and dubstep from my early teens to early adult life yesterday and it made me miss some certain things about my teen years and early adulthood before I became the mess I currentlty am.

I still like dubstep, and I kept thinking about this song since I played it yesterday.

I guess it is true that the music you enjoy the most/listen to as a teen to early young adult is what sticks with you the most.

“Look at this. I’m a coward too, You don’t need to hide my friend, for I am just like […]

Always my weight is the problem.
I’m a burden this. A ***** that.
No common sense. but some book sense.
I keep thinking I just need to leave this place, move in alone, and just survive with the bare necessities at this point.
I feel so useless, and I’m just too damaged to have a girlfriend or a family of my own, or to support my family.
What does a mess like me even do?

Keep in mind, this is from the perspective of the USA.

The plan is to get rid of/sell off most of my things minus a few bare essentials by late 2025- early 2026. Rough estimate but I’ll get to where I just have a relatively small amount of things. I think I’m done with owning a lot of the stuff I currently have anyway.

I’m at the point where I’m slowly realizing that I may just be one of those people that can “own nothing and be happy”. I’m finding myself doom scrolling on social media (the few I consistantly use anyway). Youtube’s feeding me […]

Gave up my cat after 5 years of taking care of him. I feel like scum.

I had no other recourse. I’m furious.

I have to take my cat to a shelter, I have no clue how I’ll get him in one before Sunday night at this point. I don’t want to take him to a shelter but I have no other viable options.

Also watched this video a few minutes ago. Maybe you’ll get something out of it. It’s so annoying that we all have to be stuck grinding out a non fulgilling living to make ends meet in a weird system like this (at least in America anyway).

I took the day off today, I mentally feel like shit.

I’m dreading seeing my family, who aren’t bad people in any way, I’m just the problem. I must be crazy or something.

I’m so in my own head a lot of the time.

Days blur together and I’m not doing enough.

I’m just so aware that I’m damaged goods. I’m my own worst enemy.

I have days like this, where I just wake up and know it’s not happening. Sometimes I force myself and push through. Other times, like today, I can’t do it.

It’s why I […]

Honestly, I’m in a bad spot atm.

Some things are a bit better, but I’ve gone down the slump again.

I don’t know what to even do at this point.

I want to start to sell all of my things but it’ll take way too long to get rid of the things I have at this point.

I need a part time job to get extra money to try to start properly saving. I need to get my debts in order.

And yet I just lay in bed. I’m just tired man.

Tired of ny own thoughts. I know I’m a useless weakling. I’m overweight and hugely lacking in social skills.

I’ve […]

I seem to get in my own way.

Every tim I make some progress I slip and fall back down again.

I know I’m a miserable person that needs help, but I need to start to do these things on my own.

If I don’t, who will?

I miss the optimism of youth, that’s long since buried.

Been just surviving this whole time it seems.

I would be better to my family, to the friends I had and have, but I know I wouldn’t contribute properly to these relationships. I don’t do all that much as is. I’m a dull individual as it turns out.

I’d slowly been feeling detached from a […]

I feel like shit.

I have sick days or off days, and I just lay in bed.

I’m either tired or irritated on those days, and I wind up not doing anything. Just getting up to eat something or use the bathroom.

I’m so up and down in general, like a boom-bust cycle.

I have yet to find a therapist, to get shit done, etc.

I work and can barely pay my bills.

I don’t spend all that frivolously, I spend mostly on food though, so I barely have savings at all.

I’m just fed up honestly. I’m eventually going to leave where I currently am and move somewhere else at some […]

I’m starting to think I can’t keep this up.

I’m finding myself getting more and more angry and agitated as the days go by.

Thinking that after this lease is up, regardless of what happens, I just need to go down my own path. Stop asking for anything and distance myself for a while.

For the sake of making my own way. I feel like I just take and take. I’m sick of taking. Tired of burdening everyone important who tried to help me.

There are so many things I need to do to fix myself and I’m getting nowhere because it’s […]

It was a free pokemon rom hack making pokemon a roguelike.

I didn’t really care for it all that much. Or I didn’t allow myself to get into it any.

Either way, streak is over. Lasted almost 2 months. I don’t really feel anything all things considered. I think I’ve already decided I’m over videogames honestly. I think watching others who are better at them than me play them are enough honestly.

I stayed home today, I feel like crap.

Not sure what to do anymore. I’m flat broke still, trying to find work to make more money to […]

As it turns out, there’s someone I love. Very deeply in fact.
Thousands of miles away, gets me like noone else.
She’s with someone else though.
She has medical conditions and I worry about her a lot.
I hadn’t heard from her in months and finally heard back yesterday.
She loves me, but only as a friend, a friend she truly cares for.
I don’t know what to think sometimes.
I don’t have to be with her, I know we’ll be involved in one another’s lives forever at this point.

I’ve never lucked out with women irl, always wound up in some […]