trulymindless1

I worry about a lot of things.

I think about the future a lot.

I’m not handy like my dad is.

I can barely cook, my mom has to walk me through dishes.

I’m not good at cleaning, all things considered. My mom’s good at that.

I’m shit with vehicles in general. My parents and siblings are better with that.

I’m shit when it comes to relationships and women. Siblings are better when it comes to that, too.

I’m a tech guy, so I at least have that going for me, but I know I’m going to be that type in the future, where things get so far ahead of me, I’ll […]

I do hope that the people from here I fell out of contact with, whether due to life or other circumstances, wherever you are, I hope you are all okay.

I was not in a good place when I met these people, and even though I was losing it for a bit, I met people who I felt a level of kinship with, and hope they managed to get somewhere good in their lives.

I sometimes go through emails and old chats, and I feel like that version of myself is so far removed from the person I am today.

I miss how much I cared for people […]

Therapy is helping.

It really is helping me understand things.

I’m still the problem though.

My apartment is a mess, I took off from work today because I feel like shit, and hope I’d be at least a little motivated to clean up a bit.

Nope.

Laying in bed, and just trying to motivate myself to shower even.

Idk what I’m doing.

Money issues are drowning me rn.

I feel chained down because I have all these bills and debts that I can’t pay rn. I’m barely holding on with my main expenses,

Fuck.

I have to get myself going here.

I can do this.

Had a bit of a mental trip about 2 days ago.

I didn’t sleep much or well the past 2 or 3 days before than, and then passed out and woke up a whole half hour after my shift.

Texted my boss and apologized about being late, and luckily am able to do remote work, so I sat there for a minute, hands on my head, eyes bugged out, fucking losing it.

I got through the day, and I think I finally did get some sleep yesterday, so I was early to work today. That being said, all these thoughts swirling around, and no matter what I watch […]

I’m overweight, broke, and pissed off.
I can’t sleep.
I’m trying to make some kind of life for myself. What annoys me is that despite everything I’ve been trying to do, I’m still in a shit position. Tettering on homelessness and barely making it out of situations. How the hell am I supposed to get rid of the debts I have, navigate car issues, get myself back in shape, and start to work on my health overall if I can barely make my bills for the month? I’m trying to increase my monthly income and reduce my bills, but in the grand scheme of things, […]

Been living on my own the past 2 months now, there’s good and bad.

Finances are always the problem though.
I’m terrible with money, but I really don’t buy that much. Most of the money I make goes to bills and food.

I’ve been keeping up with the important bills for the most part, but have an empty fridge. Been sacrificing food quality for cheap meals to make sure I can keep up with bills.

Don’t know if I’ll ever retire. I have no kids, no wife or gf, not sure what I’d even leave for future generations. I’m nowhere near buying […]

Trying to just move into a 1 bedroom next week.

I’m tired of trying to explain myself when it comes to how I’ll make payments and the like…

Everybody is saying to stay the course another year and get it together, stay with your brother. I’m fed up, not with my brother, fed up that this is the best I’ve been financially so far. I’m not saving much money, I’m trying to get some better certifications and move up at work… It just seems like despite what I’ve done to get to this point, it’s just not enough. Nothing seems to prove that […]

Things are going downhill in the mainland US (I only know about things going on in the US, so I’ll talk about it over here).

Everything I’ve seen or kept up with is just showing things in freefall. Housing, the economy, and the ability to survive is just getting more and more insane. So in no particular order:

Housing: You’re forced to deal with either overpriced houses that are basically impossible to get, especially in urban areas, and if you get lucky and find a house, you’ll be paying up the ass to maintain and renovate it, because shit is more expensive now. […]

Been a while since I’ve come here and posted. Going on 10 years on this platform in some capacity. Some things have improved. Some have worsened. I’d like to think that my semblance of self is still there somewhere.

I was a teen when I started here. I’m more of a man now. Things for me aren’t bad, but I’m wondering about my mental state.

I go to therapy. It does help. I’m glad I finally went.

I think something is wrong with my brain. Maybe I just process things differently. I could well have the mentality of a young teen […]

Break is almost over.

Still have stuff I need to do.

Lost a game save I didn’t back up. Deleted the few games I have in frustration.

Don’t even know why I started gaming again after I said I’d stop to begin with.

I may as well save my money, not get a new GPU and CPU when I have working parts currently and just try to fix the computer so it isn’t so noisy.

Not sure what to do now, now that I’ll try to cut games out again.

Maybe watch anime, focus more on computer repairing and […]

Fortunate enough to have PTO to cover me this week.

I was able to find a therapist. Finally got an appointment for the first time in years tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes.

Looked for computer parts to upgrade my setup, found nothing. But I felt better going outside and looking for computer parts instead of staring at a computer screen for 8 hours at work.

Broke my 2 month long sober streak, drinking all now.

Feeling a bit dissapointed atm. Not sure of the person I’ve become unfortunately. Things are better in some aspects, worse in others.

I just […]

I have an overall plan.

Things overall are better, probably doing the best I’ve ever done monetarily, which helps, but I have a ways to go.

I tried to stop playing video games, that did not last. However, I’m finding I’m not enjoying them like I used to. I react to them and certain other things, but at some point I just feel a bit indifferent, like I’m playing some of them out of obligation.

I don’t care for wrestling either, one of the things I enjoyed since I was a child. Haven’t watched any of it in over a year now. I keep up with storylines here […]

I’m starting to think I screwed myself in the long term back then.

Had someone who loved and cared for me deeply, that I broke it off with because they’re so far away (LDR) and I didn’t want them to be stuck with me as their only option. They’re happier now, with someone else. We still talk, but not nearly as much as before, which really sucks. I care for them deeply, and that won’t change, but I’ve noticed the change since then. We have a deep connection, even now, but I know she’s happy with this other person anyway so I’ll be a […]

It’s a couple of things that have me feeling this way, a lot of shit that’s happened in the last few weeks. Between all the storms, someone I love gone, losing interest in things I used to enjoy. Idk, I’m just finding myself getting angrier and angrier lately.

I never have answers to improve my overall situation. I have to just sit here and stew because I’m so angry.

I don’t know why I even watch the videos I watch on youtube. I’ve lost my sense of self, and was reading a self help book on how to find that sense of self […]

Was playing some old reggae music and dubstep from my early teens to early adult life yesterday and it made me miss some certain things about my teen years and early adulthood before I became the mess I currentlty am.

I still like dubstep, and I kept thinking about this song since I played it yesterday.

I guess it is true that the music you enjoy the most/listen to as a teen to early young adult is what sticks with you the most.

“Look at this. I’m a coward too, You don’t need to hide my friend, for I am just like […]

Always my weight is the problem.
I’m a burden this. A ***** that.
No common sense. but some book sense.
I keep thinking I just need to leave this place, move in alone, and just survive with the bare necessities at this point.
I feel so useless, and I’m just too damaged to have a girlfriend or a family of my own, or to support my family.
What does a mess like me even do?