trulymindless1

I’m starting to think I screwed myself in the long term back then.

Had someone who loved and cared for me deeply, that I broke it off with because they’re so far away (LDR) and I didn’t want them to be stuck with me as their only option. They’re happier now, with someone else. We still talk, but not nearly as much as before, which really sucks. I care for them deeply, and that won’t change, but I’ve noticed the change since then. We have a deep connection, even now, but I know she’s happy with this other person anyway so I’ll be a […]

It’s a couple of things that have me feeling this way, a lot of shit that’s happened in the last few weeks. Between all the storms, someone I love gone, losing interest in things I used to enjoy. Idk, I’m just finding myself getting angrier and angrier lately.

I never have answers to improve my overall situation. I have to just sit here and stew because I’m so angry.

I don’t know why I even watch the videos I watch on youtube. I’ve lost my sense of self, and was reading a self help book on how to find that sense of self […]

Was playing some old reggae music and dubstep from my early teens to early adult life yesterday and it made me miss some certain things about my teen years and early adulthood before I became the mess I currentlty am.

I still like dubstep, and I kept thinking about this song since I played it yesterday.

I guess it is true that the music you enjoy the most/listen to as a teen to early young adult is what sticks with you the most.

“Look at this. I’m a coward too, You don’t need to hide my friend, for I am just like […]

Always my weight is the problem.
I’m a burden this. A ***** that.
No common sense. but some book sense.
I keep thinking I just need to leave this place, move in alone, and just survive with the bare necessities at this point.
I feel so useless, and I’m just too damaged to have a girlfriend or a family of my own, or to support my family.
What does a mess like me even do?

Keep in mind, this is from the perspective of the USA.

The plan is to get rid of/sell off most of my things minus a few bare essentials by late 2025- early 2026. Rough estimate but I’ll get to where I just have a relatively small amount of things. I think I’m done with owning a lot of the stuff I currently have anyway.

I’m at the point where I’m slowly realizing that I may just be one of those people that can “own nothing and be happy”. I’m finding myself doom scrolling on social media (the few I consistantly use anyway). Youtube’s feeding me […]

Gave up my cat after 5 years of taking care of him. I feel like scum.

I had no other recourse. I’m furious.

I have to take my cat to a shelter, I have no clue how I’ll get him in one before Sunday night at this point. I don’t want to take him to a shelter but I have no other viable options.

Also watched this video a few minutes ago. Maybe you’ll get something out of it. It’s so annoying that we all have to be stuck grinding out a non fulgilling living to make ends meet in a weird system like this (at least in America anyway).

I took the day off today, I mentally feel like shit.

I’m dreading seeing my family, who aren’t bad people in any way, I’m just the problem. I must be crazy or something.

I’m so in my own head a lot of the time.

Days blur together and I’m not doing enough.

I’m just so aware that I’m damaged goods. I’m my own worst enemy.

I have days like this, where I just wake up and know it’s not happening. Sometimes I force myself and push through. Other times, like today, I can’t do it.

It’s why I […]

Honestly, I’m in a bad spot atm.

Some things are a bit better, but I’ve gone down the slump again.

I don’t know what to even do at this point.

I want to start to sell all of my things but it’ll take way too long to get rid of the things I have at this point.

I need a part time job to get extra money to try to start properly saving. I need to get my debts in order.

And yet I just lay in bed. I’m just tired man.

Tired of ny own thoughts. I know I’m a useless weakling. I’m overweight and hugely lacking in social skills.

I’ve […]

I seem to get in my own way.

Every tim I make some progress I slip and fall back down again.

I know I’m a miserable person that needs help, but I need to start to do these things on my own.

If I don’t, who will?

I miss the optimism of youth, that’s long since buried.

Been just surviving this whole time it seems.

I would be better to my family, to the friends I had and have, but I know I wouldn’t contribute properly to these relationships. I don’t do all that much as is. I’m a dull individual as it turns out.

I’d slowly been feeling detached from a […]

I feel like shit.

I have sick days or off days, and I just lay in bed.

I’m either tired or irritated on those days, and I wind up not doing anything. Just getting up to eat something or use the bathroom.

I’m so up and down in general, like a boom-bust cycle.

I have yet to find a therapist, to get shit done, etc.

I work and can barely pay my bills.

I don’t spend all that frivolously, I spend mostly on food though, so I barely have savings at all.

I’m just fed up honestly. I’m eventually going to leave where I currently am and move somewhere else at some […]

I’m starting to think I can’t keep this up.

I’m finding myself getting more and more angry and agitated as the days go by.

Thinking that after this lease is up, regardless of what happens, I just need to go down my own path. Stop asking for anything and distance myself for a while.

For the sake of making my own way. I feel like I just take and take. I’m sick of taking. Tired of burdening everyone important who tried to help me.

There are so many things I need to do to fix myself and I’m getting nowhere because it’s […]

It was a free pokemon rom hack making pokemon a roguelike.

I didn’t really care for it all that much. Or I didn’t allow myself to get into it any.

Either way, streak is over. Lasted almost 2 months. I don’t really feel anything all things considered. I think I’ve already decided I’m over videogames honestly. I think watching others who are better at them than me play them are enough honestly.

I stayed home today, I feel like crap.

Not sure what to do anymore. I’m flat broke still, trying to find work to make more money to […]

As it turns out, there’s someone I love. Very deeply in fact.
Thousands of miles away, gets me like noone else.
She’s with someone else though.
She has medical conditions and I worry about her a lot.
I hadn’t heard from her in months and finally heard back yesterday.
She loves me, but only as a friend, a friend she truly cares for.
I don’t know what to think sometimes.
I don’t have to be with her, I know we’ll be involved in one another’s lives forever at this point.

I’ve never lucked out with women irl, always wound up in some […]

I officially stopped playing video games on May 19th. Not sure how I feel about it honestly. Gaming is the reason I made some friends in college that I still talk to to this day. It helped me start to learn about how business operate through keeping up with gaming news and the like, and likely pushed me more into tech, which is what I currently am working on making a career out of.

I got sick and tired of the complaints that all I did was game, didn’t take care of my responsibilities and nothing else, and out of relative anger, told my […]

Wrote this back in October, but I still seem to feel this way, more melancholy but still:

It’s not working.
None of this is working.
It’s my fault of course. I am the one making the shitty decisions to fuck myself over. Over and over again.
Burdening the few people who give a shit about me.
I can’t keep going like this.
If I give up, that’s it. I’ll be forced to go back home and stay with my grandma or something, because I won’t have any money for anything else. Things will be the lowest they’d ever been, and that will be that. I will […]

Starting to feel like I’m having imposter syndrome in life. I’ve made some improvements bit it’s nowhere near enough. I’m finding myself getting more and more irritated in general. Sick and staying home today, so I’ll be here, just reflecting I guess.

What do I do when I’m not working? Read up on computers and networking related things, try to improve my ability with Linux. I stopped the video games so the most I’d do with that is watch the occasional gameplay videos to try to calm down.

Idk I’m tired of my life it seems. I can’t keep going like this.

I’m […]

I’m watching a documentary on Shawn Michaels and Brett Hart’s rivalry in WWF, and it makes me a bit sad. I’ve stopped watching wrestling because idk if I can get back into it at this point. I don’t know where my head is at anymore. I must be lacking an outlet maybe. I will definitely see a therapist. I just feel lost, like I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m not good with money, I’m still broke, and I’m pretty low. I can’t game, most of the things I liked I really don’t much care about, and I’m trying and failing to improve my […]

I’m a bit angry about it, but I did it to stop burdening family.
All they see is a grown up unable to put down games to take care of life’s responsibilities.
So I told them I’ll just delete all of it. Partially wanted all the talk of being unable to last a day without playing games to stop, partially was tired of all the grief I’d been getting about those same things over and over again.
So it’s been done.

Dunno if I will regret this choice, but I lost my game files before and had to start over, so honestly it doesn’t […]

I am a mess in my own head. A Judas in my mind, I suppose.

I loved wrestling as a kid, mainly WWE. Got into TNA (Imapct Wrestling) as a teen, and eventually wound up back into WWE. It’s how I made friends, it’s a big part of my life.

Now, as good as it’s been overall with AEW now being in the mix (even though AEW has fallen off a bit now in my opinion), I haven’t been watching it for 7 months now. I follow it to a degree, sure, and I’ll always have the memories of a lot of it, but I don’t really […]