trulymindless1

I officially stopped playing video games on May 19th. Not sure how I feel about it honestly. Gaming is the reason I made some friends in college that I still talk to to this day. It helped me start to learn about how business operate through keeping up with gaming news and the like, and likely pushed me more into tech, which is what I currently am working on making a career out of.

I got sick and tired of the complaints that all I did was game, didn’t take care of my responsibilities and nothing else, and out of relative anger, told my […]

Wrote this back in October, but I still seem to feel this way, more melancholy but still:

It’s not working.
None of this is working.
It’s my fault of course. I am the one making the shitty decisions to fuck myself over. Over and over again.
Burdening the few people who give a shit about me.
I can’t keep going like this.
If I give up, that’s it. I’ll be forced to go back home and stay with my grandma or something, because I won’t have any money for anything else. Things will be the lowest they’d ever been, and that will be that. I will […]

Starting to feel like I’m having imposter syndrome in life. I’ve made some improvements bit it’s nowhere near enough. I’m finding myself getting more and more irritated in general. Sick and staying home today, so I’ll be here, just reflecting I guess.

What do I do when I’m not working? Read up on computers and networking related things, try to improve my ability with Linux. I stopped the video games so the most I’d do with that is watch the occasional gameplay videos to try to calm down.

Idk I’m tired of my life it seems. I can’t keep going like this.

I’m […]

I’m watching a documentary on Shawn Michaels and Brett Hart’s rivalry in WWF, and it makes me a bit sad. I’ve stopped watching wrestling because idk if I can get back into it at this point. I don’t know where my head is at anymore. I must be lacking an outlet maybe. I will definitely see a therapist. I just feel lost, like I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m not good with money, I’m still broke, and I’m pretty low. I can’t game, most of the things I liked I really don’t much care about, and I’m trying and failing to improve my […]

I’m a bit angry about it, but I did it to stop burdening family.
All they see is a grown up unable to put down games to take care of life’s responsibilities.
So I told them I’ll just delete all of it. Partially wanted all the talk of being unable to last a day without playing games to stop, partially was tired of all the grief I’d been getting about those same things over and over again.
So it’s been done.

Dunno if I will regret this choice, but I lost my game files before and had to start over, so honestly it doesn’t […]

I am a mess in my own head. A Judas in my mind, I suppose.

I loved wrestling as a kid, mainly WWE. Got into TNA (Imapct Wrestling) as a teen, and eventually wound up back into WWE. It’s how I made friends, it’s a big part of my life.

Now, as good as it’s been overall with AEW now being in the mix (even though AEW has fallen off a bit now in my opinion), I haven’t been watching it for 7 months now. I follow it to a degree, sure, and I’ll always have the memories of a lot of it, but I don’t really […]

I’m irritated.

I hate when I get randomly irritated.

Seems I’m always irritated.

I actually cleaned, washed clothes, washed and vacuumed the car, cleaned out the bathroom and kitchen so I took care of house chores today at least.

But honestly, I’m fed up. Shit’s too expensive, and I have no clue how I’d manage a 2nd job with the current one I have. I do need another income source.

On top of that, I think I also screwed any chance I had at love and it’s my own fault.

I care about this one person way too much, and idk if […]

I tend to question my mental state.

Today for instance, was just having to look up some apartments. Need to find a new place to live soon. Wasn’t finding any appointments for today, which makes sense considering a lot of people would have setup in advance. But I’ve just been going at it, finding a couple places and calling to see. Nothing yet, but I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. Suddenly, I’m looking up if I’m a high fuctioning autistic person and the like. I’m very frustrated with myself.

I feel like I’ve gone off the rails for years now. I’ve never gotten any kinds of definitive […]

This is an odd feeling.
Wrestlemania is on tonight. Wrestlemania 40, WWE on a roll again, with good storylines and everything, and yet I’m not even watching it.

I haven’t watched any wrestling in about 6 months, and I was very into it back in 2020 – 2022 in particular. I stopped after I’d lost my job and just hadn’t picked back up on it. I see headlines so I have an idea of what happening, but I don’t think I care about it as of late.

It’s just weird.

Was on a weight loss regimen, had help and everything, was […]

Feeling like every day I dread this damn exercise program. I get so irritated. Problems with my car, ultimatum on my weight loss, arguments and the constant yelling at me for various things, even though he’s trying to help me.

I don’t know if I can even keep this up. This shit is really driving me mad. Not even sure what I can do at this point.
This damn diet, the exercise, the constant do betters and use your brain and critically think. It’s really pissing me off.

I’m going to have to find a 2nd job on top of all of […]

I see a lot of us on the site have overthinking brains or some form of imagination, seeing ourselves in different scenarios and what not. My question is: What separates us from animals?

We are animals. At the end of the day we are wired to eat, sleep, survive, and reproduce eventually to keep ourselves alive and move our genes into the next generation.

Our brains can reason and imagine in ways not seen in any other creature on the planet. The fact that people want more than that to live their lives, the complexities of how drastically different other humans are, even […]

Been looking for work almost obsessively, still nothing.

Between that and my dreams haunting me with past memories of people I care for, I’ve slipped so far down a black hole. Idk how to pull myself out.

Feeling like this sucks.

I really am mindless at this point. I can’t do this anymore.

How are people able to do this? Go to school, maybe go to college or a trade school or the military, find a job, work and make money and save money, maybe find love, raise some kids, retire in their 50s and coast off of that until they pass on and give to the next generation?

Ever since I came on here, all those years ago, when I screwed up initially in college, and tried to rebound and make the best of what I had, it’s just gone downhill. There was some good in between, […]

I need to be better with my actual family though, who I have such a hard time talking to, because of my own thoughts and actions. I get annoyed at them unnecessarily a lot of the time. I feel like I’ve black sheeped myself on purpose after things started going downhill in my life.

They care and try to help me in multiple ways and all I do is disappoint them it seems.

Younger family I don’t keep up with, older family who try to help me but here I am, broke and jobless. A husk of what I used to be before […]

 Don’t know what I expected. Couldn’t badge in.  It’s funny, I’m pissed off at myself. Also, I’m glad I don’t have to go back to that place again.  I’ll have to see if they call me tomorrow.  I’m imploding in real time too, so that’s fun.  I’ll have to see if I get a call from them or not.  Otherwise, it’s whatever.

Now I just need a different job at this point, even though I’m driving myself mad with job applications. 

Maybe I’ll stop posting now. I think I’ve officially slid back down to bottom, again.

I’m completely burned out on my current job, and it’s my only way to make any money. I’m just going to do just enough to cover rent for now.

The US job market is a mess rn. Unless you have a specification you’ve worked on through whatever means, you’re basically fucked.

You can’t try to do anything entry level because they’re paying way below the average wages (I’m seeing it for tech jobs, but I’m sure it’s like this everywhere because inflation and saving money and all that). It’s driving me mad, I can’t even walk into the place without feeling like shit just being there. The […]

Once again, drove to the office. Did not step foot in there. Went on another drive.

Wow am I fed up right now. I’ve completely lost the plot. Bought a lotto ticket. Won $2. Used it on a second one. Nothing. I hate gambling, but when things get to this degree, I’ve done it. Want to give in to the vices of alcohol and gambling to try to feel better, but of course, it’s the wrong thing to do in a situation like this. Which is why I avoid it.

If I can’t find a job that pays more, it’s pointless. I’m a bit desperate […]

Couldn’t even step into the office. This is happening more and more lately.

I’ve lost it. There’s a mall not far from where I’m at. I’m just aimlessly walking. People work, and some may hate their jobs, but they suck it up and do it. Why can’t I? I haven’t been working that much at all, and at this point I don’t know what else to do. I just need to start something different and fast.

I’m at such a loss.

I feel so stuck.

3 years I worked this job. 3 fucking years.
This is my 3rd queue with them.
Sad thing is, the queue itself is a lot better, it’s just that the damn company is still the same after all this time.
I’d put up with some serious shit at that job for the sake of a paycheck.
Now though, now I can’t do that anymore.
I haven’t been there in a long while (think the place finally broke me after 3 years of their shit) and it helps A LOT, but unfortunately, I haven’t found a job to replace it yet. So I’ll go back tomorrow, […]

I’ve been avoiding my job lately because of how bad the work environment is.
The stealing, the fights, the drama, some of the people I work with (not all, but funnily enough they tend to lose all the better people because they don’t want to pay them more or don’t properly acknowledge them/promote them), etc. I sit next to someone who’s pissed off everytime someone calls in… in a call center. I can see why their absenteeism rate is so damn high (30%!).

I can’t keep this up.

Worst thing is I’m trying to find work more in line with what I went […]