Lost interest in most of the things I used to enjoy, downward spiral on it’s way

This is an odd feeling.
Wrestlemania is on tonight. Wrestlemania 40, WWE on a roll again, with good storylines and everything, and yet I’m not even watching it.

I haven’t watched any wrestling in about 6 months, and I was very into it back in 2020 – 2022 in particular. I stopped after I’d lost my job and just hadn’t picked back up on it. I see headlines so I have an idea of what happening, but I don’t think I care about it as of late.

It’s just weird.

Was on a weight loss regimen, had help and everything, was losing a good bit of weight until I stopped back in January. I just recently gave up on the regimen I was on. I was fed up with seeing my family fed up with me about a variety of things. Yesterday, I was told I may have sociopathic tendencies by a family member. My friend was rightfully frustrated with me, to the point where we no longer live together, and now my family member is too. I’m starting to think I need to just move far away, not ask for any money from any of them again, and do something so that I don’t wind up back home and unable to do anything again.

I think if I wind up back home then I’ll officially give up on my own life. Yet it’s looking like the little progress I made this year will be undone because I won’t be able to afford shit.

I play videogames, but lately I haven’t felt all that much joy when playing them, and if I do it’s very temporary. Sure, I have some level of emotional cognizance because I laugh at some things, experience shock, etc. But I feel like I’m just going through motions once again, only keeping mostly surface level acquaintances and a friendship here or there. But I feel like I have no real plan, no way to actually fix my own life.

The talks have gotten to me. All the “grow the fuck up” and “stop being a *****” talks, the “you’re in the situation you’re in because of you” and “I’ve given you so much advice on how to improve yourself and you’ve taken none of it”, the “stop playing the victim” etc. I’ve basically screwed myself so many times. I screwed my family by having them have to spend money on me for shit I should’ve been doing myself. Taking out of my nieces and nephews and parents and grandparents pockets. I’m genuinely disgusted with myself.

I don’t hate my family or friends. I love them all. I don’t ever want to blow up on anyone or argue with anyone because I’m truly unable to defend anything I do, and the few times I do get upset, it’s turned against me anyway. I hate how I feel about myself and how it makes me feel when it comes to the family I have. Societal pressures and my messed up brain and slight medical condition have royally fucked me up, to the point where I can’t even talk to family about how I feel inside. I have to vent to some friends or random strangers on this same boat.

I keep thinking to myself that I will just get a second part time job and spend more time working and trying to increase my income and decrease the surprisingly few expenses I actually have (few considering that people out there take care of aging family or have kids or dependents, etc).

I have a brain, I’m not mentally deficient per say, but I may as well be sometimes. I know I’m the problem, I think even I get tired of hearing the same correct things about how much of a fuck up I am in general.

I know I lack common sense, practical social skills. I stay in my room and lay in bed frequently. I’m always tired (more mentally than physically most of the time). I’ve never seen myself as average in a traditional sense. I’m no enigma though. Not a genius as I’d been told as a kid teen and young adult. I probably am in the “gifted as a child and expected to do great things, but becomes a burnt out adult who struggles with a lot of things ” group though all things considered. Honestly though, if I was smart, I wouldn’t have done half of the things I wound up doing.

I am going to find a therapist in the next few weeks. I do not know if I will be able to find a new place in the next few months but I will try to figure out something, because I need to fix my life before I wind up an extremely bitter and lonely old man.

If you made it all the way through, sorry for rambling on and on. I used to write fun little stories on here when I first joined, and I used to like making up characters and letting things out through songs and stories. Not anymore.

T, the trulymindless1