so, after the day it’s been, I’m feeling agitated, irritated, and wound tight. Â I could snap like a stretched out slinky at any moment. Â The urge to cut is very heightened when I’m like this. Â The need for some type of release. Â I should do something physical, but what I’d rather do is check out for a bit, if only my mind would quiet down a bit. Â sigh….
So, I had agreed with my therapist to talk with my psychiatrist about adding a medication to help with sleep. Â I know that sleep deprivation is a significant aggravator for me. Â The longer I go without sleeping decently, the more difficult it becomes to manage the day to day stuff AND the depression/anxiety stuff. Â Then it becomes a vicious cycle. Â Understand that I am NOT a fan of meds; it took many, many –did I mention many?!– years for me to accept that meds would likely be a part of my life forever and be compliant about taking them. Â So, anyway the reason to be […]
This is becoming a pattern, and not a good one. Â These 1am wake-ups are going to cause alot of issues with the students come back to class next week. Â I had my appointment tonight and have to go back again next week. Â Over the years, the time between sessions has varied from once a month, to years without, to two or three times a week (that was a REALLY bad time). Â To some extent, I can gauge my my mental ‘health’ and level of denial by the frequency/infrequency of appointments.
It was a rough day on Monday. Â Sitting through endless hours of being talked at […]
The nature of my job requires me to be somewhat social. Â This is quite a contradiction in the sense that when my anxiety and depression are at their highest, my desire — and ability — to be social is at the lowest. Â I spent most of the day today at a family reunion. Â It was totally exhausting being social for so long. Â Today it’s back to work after too short of a summer, facing what already suggests will be a long, long school year. Â This week will be hard because I will be forced to be social with my co-workers, repeatedly, over and over, through […]
Thank you to all of you who responded to my previous post. Â I appreciate the words of support and caring. Â I used to be a very prolific writer… poetry, journals, short stories. Â I have SO many journals from early on. Â I used to think that one day I would write a book about my experience, this process. Â And that’s what it is, isn’t it? Â A process. Â The thing is I’m tired of always being ‘in the process’ of getting better, ‘in the process’ of this or that. Â I’m just tired. Â I’ve accepted that I will always have a melancholy personality, with the medication I can […]
I have spent more than half of my life dealing with depression and anxiety. Â I was sexually abused by my father, physically abused, emotionally abandoned, not believed… Â I’ve fought long and hard to overcome the effects of such trauma. Â I have a decent life. Â I have a job; I am a mother and a wife; I have a few good friends; a strong support system. Â I ‘behave’ myself–don’t drink, don’t do drugs, take my medications, and I don’t cut. Â So then why is it that I want to start cutting again; why is it that I wish I could just be gone? Â My counselor, bless […]