And my gift for myself is a fucking razor.
Cried myself in the bathroom. I don’t even know why I’m breaking down.
All I know is I’m tired and there are cuts on my arm. Fuck, right?
What is happiness?
Is it the money you have? Is it the food you eat? Is it the movies you watch? Is it the books you read? Is it the friends and family you have? Or is it the fire in your heart?
If it’s the fire, where can I find it? Can someone please tell me how to find it?
I don’t know where my little fire go. Is it lost? Or is it that I never truly had it.
The thought of death always occur to me. Eating, showering, every fucking time. But as always, I stay at the gray area. Always. Always. Both doors open at the same time. Change or death? Both seems so nice. Bipolar? Me? I dunno, man. I don’t get a fucking thing. Sometimes, I’m too high to function. Sometimes, I’m too low to function. AND WELL SOMETIMES I’M JUST A FUCKING COWARD. I am the worst. The most disgusting asshole. I am fucking weak. A coward. I am ugly. My body is too fucking thin. Like fucking 33kg. My jaws are too large. But nevertheless, my lover loved […]
My presence is easily dismissable. I am just a stranger. I am just a shadow. So a shadow’s death won’t be anything big.
But then this shadow’s family and lover would be in pain. With this thought, I can’t thrust this fucking knife on my throat.
I feel like I don’t deserve everything that is given to me but I came to enjoy them. People’s kindness. I don’t quite understand it. I don’t want to accept it because I feel guilty. I know that I don’t deserve anything. I know I’m disgusting. I don’t know what I’m capable of. There are a lot of unanswered ‘what-ifs’ and ‘ors’ I don’t know my own emotions. If I’m crying for them or for my sake. Am I truly happy or did I just encountered an amusing thing that will eventually leave. Am I unmotivated or am I just lazy. Am I depressed or […]
If you give me pounds of money, the first thing I’ll do is jump from a building, high enough to break my bones. Hospitalized. Then I’ll do it again and again until the money runs out.
I am so failing my college. As I said from my other previous post, I’m back to my weak self. I don’t want to wake up in the morning to go to university again. I don’t want to wake up feeling little. I just want to lay down on my bed. Listen to music maybe. BUT what would become of me?
If I tell this to others, they’ll tell me I’m too negative or I’m wasting opportunities. But to tell the truth, I’m okay with menial jobs. I just don’t want to stand on the stage I was once good at or maybe I was never […]
I have this talk with my friend. It made me tell him some stuffs.
He asked me why I feel threatened by my classmates. I said I feel detached.
He told me it’s not too late. I told him I don’t want this side of me die. If it dies then I’ll die.
Isn’t it mad? I’ve been living with my anxiety for so long that it became me. So if it dies, who will I become? Who will I see in the mirror. Who am I?
It’s funny how I always tell my anxiety how much I hate her but I actually don’t want her out of my […]
I have nights when there’s this sudden visit of fear. I’ll cry my eyes out. Shaking. Wanting to call out for help but can not. Then it’ll suddenly stop but it’ll leave me staring into nothingness. Just blank. Then I’ll either fall asleep or stay awake all night thinking of things. I have an idea what is this fear called but I can not say it out loud because I feel ashamed of it. For fearing it.
So recently, I started attending college.
It was okay for a week or so.
I hadn’t thought of negative things.
I was pretty calm.
But then all of a sudden, fear rushed into me. Anxiety talked to me again. It’s crushing me again. And I hate it so much. I thought that maybe if I’m already in college, I can do better but I am still the same weak person. I had two panic attacks in PUBLIC within a month. I feel so weak.
I want to ask but the words won’t come out.
You make me choose between you two.
What do you expect to a child who don’t want to lose both?
I want to help but I can’t. If I did, he’ll hate us and the same thing would happen. And it’ll be worse.
So, I can’t choose. All I can do is hear you out while you vent out all your pain.
But I still want to ask why is this happening to us yet the words won’t come out. And this aggression would be another wound on my body.
Why do I keep thinking of the consequences and guilt whenever I’m on top of a building or anywhere I could jump?
Having a drug-user(plus unforgettable hatred) father, unstable mother, brother with anger management issue, another brother with high IQ and a depressed girlfriend is hard.
And now I’m bitching on the internet about it. I suck.
It’s my fault again. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.
I don’t know why people keep connecting with me. I know it’s flattering and some people might actually would do anything to get that but it’s rather hard for me. I know spending time with friends would take me away from my problems for a while and that is nice but I know I’m going to be an ass and ruin it. I don’t even know if I’m being an ass or not. I don’t know if people accept me or just trying to keep a profile. I am weird and extremely moody. One shit can hurt me like what AM I!?
I am fine being […]
Recently, pain doesn’t work anymore. I’ve been doing self-harm for the last 10 years. It’s about time I get numb but I still do it for the sake of I don’t know. I laugh but after that I’ll still feel the same. I used to be so happy and innocent. Ever since my brother wished me death and my mother looked at me so disgustingly, I feel like something in me lost. I never lived the same. I interact with people but there is this fear I can’t shrug off.
My mother is unstable and my brother has anger-management issue. I keep telling myself I understand […]
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