has anyone ever had a near death expeireince from suiside attempt, im gonna lay on the rail road tracks regardless,
i can never seem to please people,noone really cares,i piss people off for just being alive,but deep inside, theres two sides of me,a little part of me that wants people to be happy and do something to help them out, but when it aint good enough or they dont care,the other part of me wants to piss them off,the fact that they would never last a day in my shoes, past and present, makes me stronger, makes me smarter because i knew and know how to survive.if i was them, i would be dead from being murdered or something els,if being alive didnt piss people […]
its never really been a problem with me,but you know how some people are striaght and some people are the opposite, well im neither,i aint sexually attached to men nor women,im a female,i never got romantically close to men because it didnt feel right,i never dated girls because it didnt feel right to me,so if im not straight and im not gay or bisexual nor bicurious, then what am i?i dont know if its from all the years of being abused, i dont like any of it,i feel uncomfortable dating period,or kissing,i feel like my mouth is just to talk and eat food with,and i […]
i hate wen people argue with you for ten minutes then say(well this conversation aint going anywere)ya, it never goes any were after you get all your words in to the very last one,you say what you want, after you get your last word in then the conversation aint going anywere?ten fucking minutes, seriously, then someone hurts you and they say get over it, and act like its so easy, then you say something rude to them, and they never get over it, wtf?do i really only know a bunch of dumb fucks?then i cant even ask a question even though they can, then they […]
im thinking,the next train usaully goes past a little after 10 o clock,i waited untill it gets dark out so noone sees me and gets tramatized,mabey i should jump the train first, see were it takes me,mabey to a different state,but then i will have to change my appearence, if i do decide to go tonight, im nervis,iv been out of my body before,i have had a obe,and i saw something i never want to see again,wen i went back in my body, i still felt that presence,i dont know what happens wen you die, noone does untill it happens to them, but being out […]
im thinking about taking sleeping pills and laying on the rail road tracks tonight,
so i posted something on a website,i posted that i was trying to make friends, friends and nothing more, so this dude replies,and says he wants to be friends, so he writes me once, i write him once,then his girl friend starts harrassing me going into his email, talk shit, acting like i was trying to be more then friends,saying i destroyed her family, i dont even know her family, and i keep telling him to leave me alone to, and he wont, is it even possible to destroy someones family if you never met them and only talk to someone a couple times through […]
i want to fit in,i want to be normal, i want to be happy naturally without faking this smile everyday, why is that so much to ask for? people took advantage of me wen i was nice, and stept all over me, now that i am heartless and cold, people dont want to be around me,why? because i dont have something that you could take advantage of anymore?i can never do anything right,whats wrong with me,
so im trying to get someone to kidnapp me,its sounds crazy but im immune to crazyness, my life is so fucked up, i dont have anyother way to run away,one guy is actually saying he would do it, he would actually kid napp me, im a slave anyways, i dont have family or shit, so why not?atleast im doing the world a favor, theres people who mean something in this world, and im risking to get hurt instead of them
i dont think i cant do this anymore,i have to phisically confide my self inside my apartment or i will run, i will leave, and the cops will catch me, the only way people wont be able to control me anymore is if i kill myself,they will never let me off commitment,i will never get to move to california,i cant live like this for the rest of my life,all i think about is california, or getting recommited then taking sleeping pills and laying on the rail road tracks,and no the train driver would never know he hit me cause it would be dark outside,im going […]
nowhere on the paper for my commitmanet does it say i need to be social and get into the community,i have the list, of every rule i have to follow, why dont them controlling fucks just put down every rule possible so the list becomes longer then both my arms put together,its such a lie, if you follow these rules youll get off, how can i wen they come up with a new one every time?fuck them,if my body is to stubern to keel over and die then im gonna live,and im gonna do whatever the fuck i want,sick of people,i would try to get […]
can never seem to make friends, i sit here going through the list of contacts on my phone,all i see is(bank,school,a group home numer, numbers that dont even work anymore,)i never wanted the computer to be my last resort,this is the only place i ever talk to people, mabey they answer back and talk to me back because they dont know me,why do i even have vocal cords if i have nobody? and noone to talk to?noone to call,i cant even talk to the only people i know , and thats supportive home care staff,i wanted them to think someone actually cared about me, so […]
i wanted to go and try to get my temps,found out the city bus doesnt go out that far,dont even know were the building is or what it looks like, and even if i did get um, i can pass my driving test cause you have to use someone you knows car, they wont let you use the driving practice cars they have, did it ever fucking occur to them that just mabey some people dont have friends or family?the only person i know of would never drive hours to help me out, even though they help my sister out all the time, bail her […]
mabey some people dont know they are doing it,mabey some people just dont even care, but only dont care wen it comes to you, i use to think there was good ways to feel powerfull,but now im thinking, the only way be powerful for someone like me, is to be a minipulater,and i have no clue were to start,i dont even know what that is or how to do it really,i know its taking advantage of people, but wen everyone is taking advantage of you,you have to find a even smarter and trickeyer way around that,
since i was little, iv been everywere,lived in city after city, putting myself in placements so i could get away from the abuse,even wen noone wanted me,never could fit in,well i started running from treatment facilities and group homes,everytime they put me in a different city, i had the impulse to run,i would run so fast, i felt free, like noone could catch me,most people couldnt,im in my own palce now later on,i still have that adrenalin, i crave it, feeling the rush is like a drug to me,i love big cities and looking at all the tall buildings and everything around me,its like i […]
no matter where i go, i cant seem to make friends that are real, i always run into minipulaters,people that use me for money or something, wen you get to know me, im not as weird as if you were a complete stranger tryin to talk to me,its so hard to make friends,is there anyone that has the same problem?i just want someone i can relate to, and talk to, and not only about life, mabey jokeing around or laughing and being happy, or trying to,if there is,i was wondering if you would want to get to know me, and be my friend,its easyier to […]
damb,why do people decide to give you reasons to trust them until you trust them enough just to the point you are actually thinking(you know what, i might feel like i trust this person, mabey they aint fake after all)then they go and pull the same shit everyone els does, and people wonder why i am the way i am,its always the people you least expect,so why trust anyone in this world,my heart just got as cold as it can get,i had a little love left in my heart after 21 years,but now i literally feel nothing,   last night i was praying to god(if my […]
i have been thinking,i know im to smart for my own good,i woulda never survived through the shit i did if i didnt know how to save my self from dieing of in my case anything,my life is shit,i live hours away from anyone im related to , and they are the shittiest people, the ones that abused me, starved me treated me inhumane till i was 17 wen i was finally taking away perminetly,still haveing attatchment issues and trust issues,vulnerable and always ran into someone that would say they care but hurt me and brake every promis possible,untill i realized, i dont have a […]
its wierd how even though you may not always remember something, your mind never forgets what happened for the rest of your life,i know thats why i wake up at the same time every morning, wen i even can sleep,people tell you to move on and forget about what happened,ok, just let me slam my head against the cement and get amnesia,if its that bad that i can forget time to time but my mind alawys remembers, and noone ever tried to help me through the trama,then those people can eat shit and die,i was woken up around the same time in the morning every […]
im done with people, im done with life, im gona dig a hole, crawl in it and die,