Whenever I go home, they ask “How’s school?”, then I felt guilty
Listening to songs of SwS makes me feel like I’m hugging my demons and it feels relaxing
Hey you. You can still live that way. Living with a heavy heart, a chaotic mind, that’s fine. You can use it as your strength. Being like that pushes yourself to be better. You’re an artist. You can let out your demons in your drawings. You can draw your own world. You can express anything through your pen. If it hurts, draw! Drawing is a big part of your life, you know that without this, you’re useless! Being able to draw is a gift for you! It serves as your protector in life! Even if sometimes you can’t draw, remember that you draw to live. […]
What’s that chat button from above that says when you click “Cheatin’ uh? Sorry, you are not allowed to access this site.” what’s that?
I’m on my 3rd year in college. Only one more year left… But I’ve been not going to class for about 2 weeks. Going there feels like someone is strangling me and I feel like all of their eyes are looking at me and judging me. I feel like shit. I feel like a trash. I’m useless. Although my parents think I’m going to school, but I don’t and I only go at the place where I dreamed of living by myself. The city that is bright and beautiful at night. The city where full of artist like me are there. The city where I […]
Before, drawing saves me… but now, it kills me….
I think being an illustrator is not good for me. Well, it’s like I’m not good for an illustrator. This mental issues of mine affects my job. Right now, I can’t seem to draw. I can’t push myself. Not because I feel lazy but because I feel so satisfied with my work but my team, well some of the team, suggest something that DOESN’T really fit in what I’m drawing. I was so satisfied with what I did and already checked if this is okay, if this good and i already finished it maybe 2 weeks ago and it should be submitted 2 WEEKS AGO, […]
the longer I live
the worse I get
Hi. I’m back. The day was the same like any other day. I feel hopeless and I still made bad decisions. I made everyone around me mad. haha. I never change, do I. I always make things worse. I want to die. Last night I confessed to a friend about what’s happening to me. Know what he said? he said everyone experienced what I’ve been experiencing now. He said I shouldn’t let everything affect me. That I should just be positive cause I’m not the only one who’s suffering in this world. I shouldn’t be selfish he said. haha. They are all the same. Always […]
I should’ve lived a normal life. but why can’t I
I have this feeling that everything that I’m seeing is not real. It’s like everything is just an imagination, like it’s only in my head. It’s like I can’t see what’s true or what’s not anymore. I’m losing contact with reality. can someone answer this. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. It’s making me go crazy. It’s killing me inside
“I’m suffering from a mental illness and I don’t know when and how I got this but I can tell you what it feels like having this monster inside me. If ever a normal person would have a chance to feel and experienced what it’s like to be someone like me, I think they’ll go insane. I wish I was born normal like anybody else but unfortunately, I’m not. Everything I see and feel is different from a normal person. The shadows of nightfall seemed more somber and my mornings were less buoyant. I always feel like I can’t do anything right and I feel […]
I’m so messed up. My mind is messed up. I feel like I can’t see reality anymore. It’s like I’m stuck in my chaotic mind and It’s killing me. I don’t know the way out. I keep distracting myself and doing some stuffs but then I feel like I’m caged inside my mind. It’s like I’m here but I’m not here. I’m tearing up because of frustration. I don’t know how to fix myself anymore. I don’t know what to do and it’s fucking killing me inside. I’m going mad!
I destroyed my life. And I wish to end it…
It’s been a long time since I posted something here again. So here I am, still alive. Remember my post entitled “April 2”? that should be my date of death. I should’ve been dead by now. But still, I’m alive. But now I wish I wasn’t. I regret choosing to live again. I thought everything might turn out good this time. I tried changing. But every time I’m trying, something bad always happens and it drags me down deep. And when I thought I was getting better, it turned out worse. As usual, I still do self harm scars. I still think about suiciding. And […]
Last week I thought I was starting to get better. I started to let go of my depression, trying to live normally and forgetting about everything that cause my depression. I thought I was doing well. But right now, everything… everything is starting to come back. Everything is starting to fall apart again. Everything is breaking. I’m now being consumed by my depression again and I can’t control it anymore. Maybe I can’t ever be saved from my mental illness. Maybe this is my fate. Maybe life isn’t really for me. And I’ve decided, I’m going to end this fucked up life.
What if the people who wants you to live… are the reasons why you want to die?
“So what if you get depressed? everyone gets depressed you know. Don’t be so over dramatic”. Well, F*ck you. Don’t take depression too lightly my dear. It is one of a fucking hell. You think this is easy? NO IT’S NOT *****. You think getting depressed is normal? you think it’s just like “oh I’m sad.” then later “Oh I’m happy” ? NO IT’S NOT. You don’t know anything. You think I’m stupid for being dramatic? You think this is dumb? Wow. Just wow. I want to kill you by just saying that. Depression is savage af. Depression is hell and you can’t escape from […]
Yesterday I was at the condo unit of my friend with some blockmates. We decided to hang out there. They have 3 doubled deck. I lay down on the top bed near the window. I tried opening the window but they were mad at me. Maybe they know that I might jump out of the window. They know how crazy and mad I am. But I told them I wouldn’t jump. Not yet. And they let me open it but they were guarding me. I opened it and took my feet out. I looked down. I was very tempted to jump. It’s like I can […]