Author

nozmoking

Insignificant, obsolete, waiting for God to shit or get out off the pot.

I hate the daylight

by nozmoking 9/3/2014

written by nozmoking

I’ve come to hate the daylight. As much as I hate loneliness, being alone in the dark late at night feels so much more secure. I guess that is the time when people can’t mess with me as much – they’re all off in their dreams and resting. I don’t sleep much anymore anyway; except sometimes during the day when it serves the purpose of keeping the rest of the world away from me.

It’s a bad thing to do I know. Isolation feeds depression and anxiety, but I know myself well enough to know that I won’t always choose what’s right just because I know […]

9/3/2014 5 comments

Just an observation…

by nozmoking 8/30/2014

written by nozmoking

I’ve noticed something about this site. Maybe it’s not so much the site but the people behind the aliases – when someone posts here and we pick up the notion that they are serious about going through with ending their life or at the least in very significant pain and anguish we rally around them like elephants do when a pack member is in distress.

I don’t use the analogy of elephants in a negative way – in fact to the contrary. What they do is born of compassion, of high intuition and empathy; it is a matter of survival for all. Most of us are […]

8/30/2014 7 comments

Finality

by nozmoking 8/30/2014

written by nozmoking

I’ve wasted much of the past fourteen years being lost in the pain of losing someone I cherished more than anyone. Some of you have seen the details puked out here on SP and I won’t go into them again – suffice it to say I gave my life to someone who decided it was more in their best interest to dump me in the gutter and run off with a child molester.

I’ve not had any contact with her for several years, at which time she got in touch with me for reasons still unknown. I made it clear I knew all the secrets, even […]

8/30/2014 4 comments

Please forgive me, I’m in a mood…

by nozmoking 8/21/2014

written by nozmoking

A guy died and went to Hell. After his “intake” was over, he was escorted down a long, hot corridor and lead into a huge cavern. What he saw astonished him – thousands of people standing waist deep in warm, steaming human waste. Many of them strangely were enjoying a cup of coffee or other refreshments.

“Is this it?” he questioned.

“Yep, this is it.” replied the escort. “Your place is over at the end of the third row.”

Wading through the muck after a brief stop at a Coke machine that didn’t require money he took his place, opened his soft drink and quipped to a woman […]

8/21/2014 4 comments

I suppose it’s time…

by nozmoking 8/15/2014

written by nozmoking

I’ve been away from the site for a couple of weeks and I have to weigh in on Robin Williams. Nobody seems to understand how personal pain can be so great to drive a person to destroy themselves in such a violent and agonizing way. Think for a moment (if you haven’t) how horrible it would be to hang from the neck using a leather belt – not “hang” as they do in a calculating way to snap the neck but to hang, suffocating in violent pain until you pass out – maybe more than once.

I write this not to be morbid in any way but […]

8/15/2014 3 comments

The worst of all…

by nozmoking 8/5/2014

written by nozmoking

– is being powerless. We know that nothing will ever change for some of us. We know the pain, whether physical, emotional or spiritual will become worse if nothing else. And here we are without the courage or the means to end what amounts to (at least for me) a useless existence.

Sure, a sea slug has some purpose but it lives without feeling or much thought. It sucks in the tiny organisms that sustain it until it can reproduce and eventually be consumed by something else. But isn’t it content in its purpose? Does it cry itself to sleep knowing the ultimate pain it will […]

8/5/2014 6 comments

What the FUCK?

by nozmoking 6/30/2014

written by nozmoking

I can’t pay my bills because my new boss decided we didn’t need an in-house I.T. person. Forget that I’ve been at this organization for over ten years, have almost 30 years in the business and am only paid about 60% of the market rate for my role. Forget that I have been a one-person I.T., E.H. and S., Telecommunications and Facilities department plus doing all the document control and a million other things. This narcissistic pig was Board Chair before they became an “interim” Executive Director when my former boss quit (or was forced out, nobody’s talking about it) and although I’ve been well […]

6/30/2014 8 comments

Life without blithering assholes

by nozmoking 6/24/2014

written by nozmoking

How much better would life be without having to deal with mindless, narcissistic and self absorbed assholes? As if I don’t have enough shit sandwiches to eat every day, I have these useless bastards in my life that live for one and only one reason – to force everyone around them to kiss their asses. They never lose any sleep over unpaid bills or potential home foreclosure. They don’t ever get scraped up off the floor in the middle of the night and hauled to the Emergency Room because their lungs stop working. They don’t worry about how to get to work when their car […]

6/24/2014 0 comment

Euthanasia Cruises

by nozmoking 6/16/2014

written by nozmoking

An old acquaintance of mine used to have a radio show and once in a while he would pull off a fake commercial and let the audience vote on whether or not they thought it was legit. One of my favorites was “Euthanasia Cruises”. For $2500 you could book passage on a luxury ocean liner that sailed out past the 20 mile limit. Then the passengers could do whatever they wanted for three days and nights – eat, drink, do drugs, have sex with each other – whatever they felt like doing and as much as they wanted. Then after the three days everyone gets […]

6/16/2014 3 comments

Perpetual fear

by nozmoking 6/3/2014

written by nozmoking

Remember when you were a kid and you did something you knew was going to earn you a trip to the woodshed? A lot of us kids when I was growing up had a place the old man would drag us to give us the “board” that was far enough out of the way that the whacks and screams wouldn’t make it back to your mother’s ears. That way the old man wouldn’t have to deal with her bitching about being to hard on you or risk getting the “It so upsets me when you do that” speech from her. It’s that feeling of impending […]

6/3/2014 2 comments

I need this all to end

by nozmoking 6/1/2014

written by nozmoking

I posted last week about repeatedly falling out of bed a few days earlier and ending up in the E.R. with respiratory failure from some type ofÂ Pneumonia. Fucked as my luck runs a few days later I was released to home care and cleared to go back to work.Â Of course I am far weaker than before the incident and my usual level of physical pain is now at least twice as intense as it was before.

I could barely do my job as it was. It takes me nearly two hours to get out of bed and dress for work – God only knows […]

6/1/2014 4 comments

My deepest desire has come and gone

by nozmoking 5/25/2014

written by nozmoking

A week and a day ago, I has handed instructions to “walk toward the light.” I fell out of bed. I went into respiratory failure. I was eventually transported to the hospital and briefly pronounced dead. Except for the physical pain of getting myself back into bed repeatedly, the shallow panic breathing I could not control and discovering I had shat myself and lay in it most of the night I remember nothing and felt very little.

I am quite sad now that I am here today toÂ speak of it. I am now in far more pain than ever and much weaker than before yet […]

5/25/2014 3 comments

I mean it. Seriously.

by nozmoking 5/7/2014

written by nozmoking

5/7/2014 5 comments

You are a worthless piece of crap…

by nozmoking 4/28/2014

written by nozmoking

You can’t even manage to get yourself to work five days a week. You don’t care enough about yourself to to take care of your own basic needs. Your lack of self-respect is written all over you like graffiti on a condemned building. Everything you touch turns into an untenable disaster – like Midas turning everything he touched to gold, everything you touch turns to shit. You push people away like a plague – even people that care enough to try and help you. You live in the past instead of in the moment. You are beyond all hope. You might as well just blow […]

4/28/2014 3 comments

Broken dreams

by nozmoking 4/20/2014

written by nozmoking

4/20/2014 3 comments

Hurt

by nozmoking 4/18/2014

written by nozmoking

4/18/2014 1 comment

I am curious…

by nozmoking 3/27/2014

written by nozmoking

I am curious about something – I’m sorry of it seems trite or stupid. I don’t mean to be joking around. That being said, here goes:

Let’s assume, hypothetically for the moment that Hell exists and it is in fact governed by a fallen angel. Imagine what you will about eternal fire, absence of God, eternal and terrifying punishment – whatever your imagination can construe. And for the purposes of this question,the more horrible the better. You wake up tomorrow in the same pain and agony you were in when you went to bed. It’s just another day; same shit, different day. You have the same […]

3/27/2014 9 comments

Dammit I wish there was a reason.

by nozmoking 3/18/2014

written by nozmoking

Seriously – if there was something to look forward to that made enduring the pain of bending my hips, back and knees to put my clothes on before work worth enduring but there isn’t.
If I was only just a little comfortable in my own skin so I felt like I deserved to have someone waiting for me at the end of the day to soothe me and hold me again but I don’t.
If I could rest, I mean really rest when I sleep instead of tossing and turning all night long trying to stay one step ahead of the pain and waking to […]

3/18/2014 14 comments

To know such things

by nozmoking 3/8/2014

written by nozmoking

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right […]

3/8/2014 0 comment

I will never understand

by nozmoking 3/7/2014

written by nozmoking

I’m kind of partial to old movies, especially Film Noir and B-horror/Sci Fi from the 40’s and 50’s. On the 9th of December Kirk Douglas will turn 98 fucking years old (if he lives that long). I hear he’s a damned lecher and a womanizer – in fact as I recall just a year or so ago he was accused of sexual assault. You would think someone with as much money, fame and fortune as he has could at least keep his shit behind closed doors – I mean (and not to be crude or crass) he could buy any elite hooker on the planet […]

3/7/2014 4 comments

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