I’ve just come back from a long late night walk [UK] on a Saturday night [weirdo uh?]. Just to try and beat the massive psychosomatic anxiety for a while. I am incredibly lonely, the only people I talk to are my aging parents. The world is a terrifying and unforgiving place for meek people like me. The isolation is slowly sending me insane. My parents know I’m deeply depressed but not that I crave death. I feel I live in a world full of happy people who will never understand or feel the pain people like me do so they will never understand or empathize. […]
I get the impression most people here are in the US?
A few months ago someone from New Zealand who like me suffered suicidal depression who I’d chatted to for quite a few years suddenly disappeared. He had enormous multiple problems and I’m pretty sure he has departed this life. I now realize that he was a big crutch for me to lean on and share our mutual pain. Since he disappeared I have become much much more distressed. I talk to other people in the same situation but none of them offers the solace this guy did.
I just want to die. I’m suffering so much. I don’t want to leave my family and my lovely little cat but I feel I have no alternative. My existence is empty, terrifying and degrading. I’m not talented, I now hate the way I look [Yes you pay for your vanity] and I’m not sociable. I don’t work, I live alone and don’t want to do anything at all but of course I have to kill the time somehow – the net, long walks, watching DVDs, visiting my parents – but it’s all just to survive another day – so I can do the same […]
That is my fate. As a social misfit I live a hermit-like existence and that fcuks you up. They gave me Zoloft on Friday and guess what – within 2 hours of going to bed I was wide awake [and in a terror induced cold sweat at the thought of a long long empty day] When you are a deeply depressed deeply anxious hermit the last thing you need is more hours to kill. I already have serious trouble doing that. I expect to develop psychosis like so many other poor, socially isolated individuals. Suicidal depression is one thing, and I can kinda live with […]
Today as requested I helped my dad in his garden. At one point I held a saw and considered slicing open my throat in front of him. Yes I am that badly advanced in my despair.
He knows that I am seriously depressed but he does not understand how profoundly unwell I am. I don’t seem to be able to tell him, or my similarly ageing mother.
I am starting to get that profound feeling that I have earned my suicide and that it is a foregone conclusion. Recently I’ve visited places from my past for the first time in years. Almost as if I’m saying goodbye. […]
Do you ever hear a song from a happy time in your life and it almost kills you – because you’ve changed so much and the happiness you had is long long gone and IT AIN’T EVER COMING BACK.
Got no talents, got no friends, got no job, can’t talk to people, look like I been dragged through hell, find life terrifying and hideously painful, really this planet is a hellish mistake and the sooner we wipe ourselves out as a species, the better. I’m in my 40s now and the end seems near. God please kill me.
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