Octr

I need you.

On my 22nd birthday I made a promise to myself, I said that this was it, I refused to have another birthday as somebody else.

Fast forward a few months I went back to the way things had always been and days started to blur into each other and I even forgot my own age.

22 years of a life I desperately thought I needed to forget when in reality I just needed to let go.

But it’s finally happening, I won’t give up this time.

I can not.

I am done letting fear dictate my future.

Letting it hold me back from a real life, a chance of happiness.

No more […]

There is no Peace now that I’m alone, nobody to alleviate all my worries or my fears my stresses or my pain, nobody to listen, nobody to hear just my own thoughts and past circling around and around consuming every last bit of energy I have left.

So many people gone, it is no wonder why my fear of abandonement is so prevelant, look at where I’ve ended up.

Alone.

Can’t sleep, always caught in my feelings.
Haunted by the past, afraid of whatever lies ahead.
Constant discomfort, always running away.

It doesn’t matter how many times I confront it, it is always in vain.

I’m not deluded, I know you’ve been gone for a very long time now, But I’ve been holding onto memories and moments, I kept every picture and everything you gave me, I was never over you or what had happened, I never dealt with it, just pushed it deep inside so I could try and survive.

but I had an urge to find out where you were in life now, so I looked.

you changed so much and you are not the same person, not the person you showed to me anyway, and I think that’s made letting go so much easier, I wasn’t crazy you did […]

It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, I still miss you.
If I could go back in time and fix everything I would have, I would do anything to hold onto you for as long as I could.
I made so many mistakes and I did so many horrible things I said so much that I regret.

The universe handed me someone outstanding that I absolutely didn’t deserve and instead of rising up and pushing myself to be someone who did deserve you I let you slip away, I guess in reality I pushed you away, I hurt you and pushed you over your limits and […]

Fear controls me.
It dictates what I can and can’t do.
I force myself to suffer simply because I am afraid.
Fear is what drove me to suicide, fear is what made me so isolated and alone, fear is what made me push everyone away, fear is what made me give up on dreams, fear is what makes me hide away.
Fear makes me miserable.
Fear makes me numb.
Fear makes me insignificant.
Fear I instil in myself.

You made me feel alive,
You made me feel like a person,
I took that for granted and ended up ruining the most happiest moments of my life.

I wasn’t ready for you and you weren’t ready for me.

I couldn’t handle anything, everything upset me, I was a broken mess right from the start, I did and said so many wrong things, I ended up hurting someone I truly loved.

You simply couldn’t handle or deal with me and eventually you had enough.

I do not blame you anymore, I know I used to do that all the time.

Only because I genuinely believed it because I was completely […]

In 18 days (July 17th) It will have been 4 years since my first and hopefully only suicide attempt.

And I’m looking that as something positive.

Because even if these 4 years have been a constant struggling blur I’m still alive.

and despite everything,

I am grateful for that.

The mundane trivial tasks you complete with ease sometimes take all of my strength and energy.

I am magnetised to my bed because it is comforting, mentally.

emotionally, the covers can swallow me up and I can hide from myself, hide from the world, i can drift off asleep and simulate death.

I can escape life.

I am constantly distracting myself with  unproductive activities like playing games because it stops me from having to think and feel, I don’t have to sit around and die internally because I don’t even know who I am, I don’t know my name and I don’t know my gender , I don’t know […]

I’m nobody.
I sit in silence and observe from a distance, I analyse your behavioural patterns, the way you interact and socialise with others, I learn who you are publicly.

I morph my personality around yours, I decide who I am based on your responses and reactions to other things.

I am constantly playing an act a role, mask after mask and for what?

All I’ve learned in the end is pain and suffering a constant dysphoria that eats away at my mind.

There was once a carefree joyful child with round chubby cheeks who was timid but liked to play with toys and make friends with kind, nice […]

Sitting there, cold rock pressed against my body.
Not a care in the world, focused only on hearing the ocean speak, waves of existence crashing against the shore, waves of being and waves of life.
So many moments like this, where my mind was consumed by the likes of you, and now I can’t help but look back at the beginning, where this all began.
Your smile was different back then, innocent, genuine, real.

I think I robbed you of that the time you wasted on me, broke you down into my insane misery, made you suffer my Insanity, if the world only knew the things […]

Emotional disconnection
Between my head and your heart
Or was it the other way around.
One of us is headless
One of us is heartless
But we’re both the same.
Funny isn’t it?
Literal monster, that’s what you’d call me.
A walking silver tongued blob of disease.
I started painting these pictures in my own head based of what I did wrong and why you left me here to die alone swallowed up in my own darkness, choked not only by my own demons, but the ones you implanted into my head.
I was always unpredictable,
Wreckless and selfish.
Corrupt.
But I loved you.
So […]

Kik: Octrpus
Discord: Octr#0747
Skype: live:octr.imvu
Telegram @Octrpus

21, UK.

Just offering someone to talk to if anyone feels like they need it.

I know I always do.
I won’t judge, I’m extremely open minded and willing to offer any advice I can provide.

You killed us both,
Now don’t get me wrong I know this is all my fault but we were hanging by a thread and you cut the string.
Now you can say I was too much and I pushed you too far, beat us both black and blue and covered us in scars but, I never once gave up.
I was in a bad place for a long time said and did so many fucked up things but I loved you, with all my heart, that part was true and you know it.
May have been sick and twisted but i loved you.
You weren’t […]

Isn’t suicide 9 times out of 10 just a means to attempt to end a suffering? Be it mental or physical pain?

but it’s a complete gamble, you have no idea what’s waiting for you once you go for it… Just ideas.

You’ve got this scenario, where you are as far as you’re concerned, living everyday in agony and pain and you want to escape that, what if after taking your life you are faced with 10x that amount the pain,

is suicide just desperation?

is that why it’s worth it? Any single chance that the suffering could end?

so much desperation, so much pain.

people die everyday, people commit suicide […]