restrictingheart

Someone told me that depressed people are always tired and he didn’t know why.

“You don’t know why you’re exhausted?

You’re fighting a war inside your head every single day.

If that’s not exhausting I don’t know what is.”

I’m tired of being broken and scarred.

I’m tired of being haunted and terrified.

I’m tired of always being of alert.

I’m tired of ‘coping’ with my past.

I’m tired of trying to seem okay.

I’m tired of hoping I will get better.

I’m tired of trying to live up to expectations and social standards.

I’m tired of being stressed and anxious 24/7.

I’m tired of my own mind.

I’m tired of breathing.

I’m tired of life.

I’m just […]

I am hurting again right now. Am I ever not going to be?! I can’t stand this feeling anymore. It is literally tearing me apart I always hated the word deserving. Almost as if it was poison when spoken. How could anyone be deserving of hurt and pain? But now I know.

I know that I am not a good person. I know that I messed up and I deserved this. I know that I hurt people with my walls and secrets. I know I don’t deserve friendship anymore. No one really knows me, all of me. I am not this kind, fighting spirit that everyone […]

I feel like a broken doll today. It is a fitting comparison really. It is an accurate one. I was fun for the people in my life when I was young and innocent. They enjoyed dressing me up and playing house.

Now they have hid me away, out of sight and they don’t notice me deteriorating slowly. Like an old porcelain doll that is cracked and has a dull gray color to it instead of the beautiful skin color. There are no red rosy cheeks anymore. The bright eyes might as well be voids at this point.  The hair is all knotted and frail. The clothes […]

I couldn’t breathe today. And I am not sure why. My normal is having this mix of pain and hurt in the back of my mind. Yet, after so many years I am not really feeling any of it. It is as if I don’t really live. I just exist.

But today I felt this breathtaking pain in my heart seeping through my body like venom ready to give me what I have always wanted. My mind got foggy, flashes of my past ran like a movie through my head and then the hopelessness creeped in. And I thought I would revert back to being numb. […]

Alot of people told me it would get better. But here I am years later still feeling this agonizing crippling pain in my heart. The scars are all healed and I am not in my past. Yet the memories of it all remain and I am haunted by feelings I can’t seem to explain.

I am different now and hoped I was stronger. That everything I fought through would somehow drive me to want to live and be successful despite it all. But how do I move forward as if none of it ever happened?

I am damaged and I will always be. The pain that comes […]