I thought for a while that I was going to be ok. I thought, “I’m finally getting help. Things are going to be ok.” I don’t know what the fuck I need. All I know is my future is still grim. I know that I am still going to take a bullet through the skull. I just need to give it some time, I need to he sure of a few things.
Oh the irony in seeing nothing but, “quit smoking/smoking kills” commercials on the break room tv because all I can think right now is, “Man I could use a fucking cigarette.”
…Maybe I’ll go buy another bottle of Jack.
Every time, the day after I had so much fun, I end up so fucking depressed. I don’t know if I feel this way because when I enjoy myself I don’t feel like myself or if I just need to constantly enjoy myself. I knew this was going to happen after going to that concert. I fucking knew it. I need this to stop. I just can’t today.
…during that terrible loneliness Ivan ilych had lived only in memories of the past. Pictures of his past rose before him one after another. they always began with what was nearest in time and then went back to what was most remote — to his childhood — and rested there.
I hate being the oldest of four brothers. I love my family, but I hate being the oldest. I have so much expectations, responsibilitied, I have to set the fucking example, and I am pathetic. I hate being who I fucking am. You would thing the oldest woild help at the little bros, give them advice, and put them on the right path. I can’t even do that shit for myself! Instead I am the one that my brother helps out, gives advice to, and feels bad for. I hate being the fucking one with “mental illness” in the fucking family. I hate being the […]
Finally I got myself out of my fucking room and did something. I made an appointment and went to see a doctor. Actually, I am currently waiting for the doctor to come see me. In the mean time I called my mom to let her know where i’m at and why I am here. She was actually supportive. I don’t know why I didn’t do this a long time ago. I am still trembling as I wait for the doctor, but I think I made good decision for the first. I made a decision and nobody is fucking mad at me. That is all I […]
“No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.”
-AlanWatts
How accurate this is.
I am tired of being a lonely fuck. I am tired of being a fucking failure. I am tired of being a fucking disappointment. I am tired of being the fucking one in the family who everyone has “given up all hope for.” I am fucking tired being looked down on. And I am fucking tired of no one giving a fuck.
Being the son of an old school gang member sucks. It brings up so many questions and it shows how pathetic I am. The son of a dead veterano. What would you expect me to be like? I am some player that can have any girl? I am this tough vato that nobody wants to fuck with? I am this highly respected man that everyone wants to be around? Do I have everything my father was to live up to? I’m not saying I should have joined a gang, but should I have been like my father? It’s sad when my family tells me stories […]
I have no idea how fucking clear I have to make it that I need help. It seems like the few people I have told about how I feel care for a little bit. I hate being trapped inside my own head, thats why I seek out people who care, or people who I think give a fuck. Nope. Trapped in my own fucking head I will be. Fuck everyone, I’ll just stay trapped in my own head until I put a bullet through it.
P.s. these people exclude littlebread and kitkat (you know who you are). You two are the only ones who talk to […]
I have been feeling really good ever since I gave myself an expiration date. I felt more confident, took care of myself, I actually started conversatuons with people, and on top of that I kept the conversations going. This was a huge fucking difference and I liked it. I was actually feeling better about myself. Then of course I had to have a shitty day at work. I was feeling so good and then this happened. But why has it put me so down today?
Thats how many days I may have left on this world. I am giving myself until then to try and get my shit straight. 336 days is how many days I have left to try and get better. I am just too fucking lonely and I hate myself too much. I have that long to make things right.
I want to really thank Littlebread and Hazydaysunflower. I have been spending more time browsing SP lately and randomly thought of you two. You two usually comment on my stuff and help me move forward a bit. I hope you are doing well. I am not going anywhere anytime soon, I just wanted to really thank you.
They say loneliness kills
and they will tell you that love hurts;
but when you are too lonely
and you love too much,
you love just as much as you are lonely
and you are lonely just as much as you love.
It hurts.
It kills.
Has anyone ever wondered where they would be right now had they made a different decision or hungout with a different group of people? I am not saying this to imagine a better or worse life today; it is just simply thought provoking how certain decisions or events in life shaped who you are. Because I hungout with the friends I hungout with, I was who I was. Because I moved a few years back, I am who I am.
I will literally sit and fucking watch myself make a bad decision. I may have a choice, but I will always chose the one I regret. If I don’t get through this semester of college I probably might leave a little sooner than I expected.
“My heart is sad and lonely…”
Saturday, March 1st, 2025:
*LA Woman (The Doors) playing loudly in the background* I sit there staring at the picture of all the famous cinema italian gangsters my brother gifted me 8 christmas’s ago. I finish my beer as I wait for the acid to kick in. Time to drift away; I dont want to be home.
Sunday, March 2nd, 2025:
*Little Wing (Jimi Hendrix) playing loudly on repeat*
I hold the needle of the drug I have always feared. The drug I swore never to take. I prep the heroin in hopes I get it right. Live or die – I don’t care. I atleast wanted to numb […]
“Everybody is not supposed to be in our life forever. If you don’t get rid of the wrong friends you will never meet the right friends.”
I Like to tell myself that I should move on and forget about the friends I no longer have. I suck at keeping friends, I have a good relationship with my close friends and then eventually we become distant; I end up feeling too fucked up to do anything about it. Instead, I just call them the wrong friends. Fuck it.
God fucking damn it, man. My life is just full of fuck-up and regrets. Self-hate and no confidence. Loneliness and suicidal thoughts. Fucking anger and fucking depression.