When I fall asleep tonight
Will the voices stop
Will an angel come to comfort me
Or a demon come to mock
Make a joke of suffering
And laugh in my face
Let the darkness smother me
While the echoes fill the space
“They hate you”
“They crave you”
These voices never change
They argue with themselves
They magnify my pain
“They’re watching. Not leaving”
Paranoia is setting in
“Even when you’re dreaming
They know your every sin”
I try so hard
But you never go away
I try so hard
To forget your face
Your smile was brilliant
It lit up the room
Your body resilient
To the deepest wounds
Skin like silk
Hanging from ivory bone
Holding you still
As you suffered alone
So strong and so quiet
Your heart was my home
But the beating grew silent
And so did the phone
I should have begged you not to go
I shouldn’t have tried to let you go
Now I’m broken and so alone
Incapable of loving another soul
Heartbreak I can handle
But this is much more
You were my anchor
“Yeah. I’m fine. Just tired”
“No. I’ll be okay.”
“Yeah. It is a nice day.”
“I’m happy.”
These are a few of the lies
The ones we tell all the time
Thes are a few short lines
From a book we continue to write
We don’t want them to see
For fear that they too will leave
So we hope and pray that we fit
And all the while faking it
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I want
I don’t know what […]
I want to run away
Say you’ll come
I want to be okay
Let’s just run
We will never look back
We can leave our pain behind
Let the past stay in the past
I’ll be yours; you’ll be mine
I’m just going to leave. But I can’t help wanting someone to come with me.
This isn’t something I typically talk about because it isn’t an easy subject to approach. I’m going back to my doctor soon to figure out how far things have progressed or if they’ve changed at all. I really don’t think I want to know. I’m so tired of this.
I would kill to feel like I could trust someone. Anyone. But people come into my life and I throw them away just as quickly. Id rather hurt them than let them hurt me. Might as well beat them to the punch. Right?
In all honesty, I’m scared. Of everything. I don’t know where to turn. don’t […]
The warm spring air calms my mind as my feet hit the sparkling cement of the now wet main street bridge. The hood of my black jacket hides my face as I make my way to the top. Its 2a.m. and the city is dead silent. My phone buzzes continuously in my back pocket, but I ignore it. My mind wonders as I stare down at the black waters beneath me. Who will miss me when I’m gone? Who will think of me? I check my […]
Above are a few of my older shots repurposed or recycled to make one piece.. Is that what I am? Am I just something that someone forgot about? It’s like whatever put me here found me and decided that I could be used to take everyone’s shit. Have I been repurposed? I used to be proud of who I was.. Not so much now..
A flower destroyed for its fragrance
A singer being forced to dance
A branch broken to cause pain
Water released to go down the drain
All of […]
Let me detach my head
You can keep it in your bed
Where so many memories were made
So many things were left unsaid
For my ears will hear you whisper
My eyes will see you smile
My lips will speak your name
But I can only stay a while
Let me remove my heart
You can keep it in your car
Where I used to leave my shades
And my shoes were often shed
For I long to feel the wind
As we drive on for miles
The radio up too loud
But I can only stay a while
Let me tear out my lungs
You […]
When trust is just out of reach
And the soles of your shoes have worn from your feet
When you begin to accept defeat
I Will fight for you.
When day transcends to night
And the darkness has extinguished all light
When nothing ever feels right
I will fight for you.
If you decide to hate me
If you find that I’m disgusting
If you’re scared of what I’m thinking
I will fight for you
Because Trust still illudes me
Vulnerability is terrifying
And I know it hurts to breathe
I will fight […]
Sweet love that I held so close
The hand I held and needed most
The lips I kissed so many times
Oh love never were you mine
For a split second you let me believe
That I had you back and you’d never leave
I guess I was just the easiest to convince
But I haven’t stopped hurting since..
Oh love I know I’m easy to forget
But I’m so sure you were ‘it’
That person for whom I would give my life
But instead […]
He wanted me Because he was afraid of being alone
He wanted to show me off
He wanted to isolate me
When my world stopped revolving around him
He stopped caring
A ring on my finger
That meant nothing
It was just another way to mark me
A way to mark his territory
I always knew I was easy to forget
But did he have to move on so quick?
I always knew I was nothing special
But I never thought I was just a sick thrill
That was Allan.
I thought he was my best friend
I grew to like his fiance
We got along well
I have to get out of this state. I need a fresh start. I need something new. Something stable. I want to find love again and I’m not going to find that if I’m misserable. I need to love myself before I can love anyone else and I’m trying so hard to make that happen. I Have to find a way to support myself before I can leave. That’s the fun part. Right? Wrong. Getting a job in a new state isn’t easy. But I have to. I need this. Am I wrong for moving so far away from my mom after all she’s done […]
Ever been so desperate for a change that you jumped head first into a bucket of bleach? Yeah. I got to that point. Desperately needed something new. What is it about small changes that makes me feel better for a little while? Why does that seem to hold me over for a few days? Its still me. So why does it make such a big difference in my attitude for a short time? I feel okay today. Even after waking up to heartbreaking news. […]
I’m sending up a prayer
To the emptiness up stairs
I cry in desperation
And hope that someone hears
I’ve been taught so much
About clinging to my fears
And how a single touch
Can dry up every tear
Who is my saving grace
Does my hero have a name
Should I be looking to myself
To numb all of my pain
I’m tired of trying
Id rather hold your hand
I wouldn’t feel like dying
If someone tried to understand
Today was good. As good as it could have been. I spent the day with someone I’ve missed quite a bit. Things really could not have been any better. But I can’t shake this feeling. I’m so tired. I’m on the verge of collapsing with no one there to catch me. So what’s left? I could pick myself up and keep going… But I don’t know how. I could end it all tonight. I kind of want to. But I’m scared. Is it stupid to be scared? I feel like I’m failing miserably. At everything. I just don’t think there’s anything left for me to […]
The mirrors scream at me
The walls abuse me
The doors restrain me
The darkness defines me
The mirrors show a face so tired
Filled with dreams that have been lost
The heart and soul they once admired
Is what my nightmares have come to cost
My hands are shaking as I stare
My legs are weak and there’s no air
Don’t you show me; don’t you dare
Don’t prove to me there’s nothing there
The walls close in and call my name
As vanity subsides […]
See that little girl? Her names Avery. She’s my baby sister. She’s my biggest reason for living. I absolutely dread the day that she starts thinking for herself. As soon as that happens, my father will abandon her just like the rest of us. All 8 of us. She is the epitome of innocence and love and I can only hope that her mother comes to her senses and leaves my dad. She was a good parent to the 3 kids she had before they got […]
Yeah. Okay. I have a thing for roses.
Dear ex who’s name I will not reveal. Lets call him Jeff.
Dear Jeff,
Does love mean practically stalking someone and trying to guilt them into being with you? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t. I attract some Really clingy men and I’m just not an overly affectionate person. I don’t want to stand in the middle of a store and do things that make people question how long […]
I keep analyzing myself and trying to find a more accurate way of defining what goes on in my head. By definition, It is almost like some violent form of ADHD. There are these sort of sensory gates that feed information to the brain. For someone with ADHD, those gates never close. There is this constant, overwhelming stream of information being fed to the brain at all times. So from what I can tell, (correct me if I’m wrong) a normal train of thought […]
Break me down. Please. Disect me. Cut me open. Just tell me what’s wrong with me. I’ll give you all of the tools if you can just look inside. I’m down on my knees begging you to tell me what’s wrong with my mind. Why am I like this? Why do I want these horrible things? I don’t want to be your burden. But I wouldn’t mind being your little science project. I don’t want the drugs. I don’t want the alcohol. […]
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