Today was good. As good as it could have been. I spent the day with someone I’ve missed quite a bit. Things really could not have been any better. But I can’t shake this feeling. I’m so tired. I’m on the verge of collapsing with no one there to catch me. So what’s left? I could pick myself up and keep going… But I don’t know how. I could end it all tonight. I kind of want to. But I’m scared. Is it stupid to be scared? I feel like I’m failing miserably. At everything. I just don’t think there’s anything left for me to do. Part of me thinks I was meant to die in that accident a year or so ago and the fact that I’m alive is just some sort of mistake. I feel like that was my time to go. So Why am I still here? What the fuck do I have to offer anyone? I’m just idle. Wasting time. Wasting space. Why am I here?
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11 comments
You’re still here because you still have a purpose, yourself. You matter, your worst enemy might be yourself at times but you can still beat that enemy and keep your head above water.
Thank you. I just wish I knew how
I may not be able to catch you if you fall, but I’ll definitely be here to help you pick yourself up whenever you need it. And you aren’t a waste of space, it’s pretty rare that I randomly think of someone and how they’re doing, but earlier today I was just thinking that I hope you’re doing alright.
You’re fucking awesome, don’t forget it.
Thank you. I am beyond appreciative of your support. It really does mean a lot to me.
I’m glad I can help.
Also, in case you need to laugh at something stupid:
My grandfather has the heart of a lion…unfortunately, he also got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
We’re always here for you chicken, day or night. Always come here to vent.
I know. I find that thought pretty comforting sometimes. 🙂 thanks.
Hey Sams, whatever ghoul is sucking the life out of you, it has us both by the throat. Funny I came here to post something similar. Like you, I should’ve died in a nasty wreck but came out without a scratch. You’d think people like that would suddenly embrace life and drop to our knees with appreciation for our guardian angels, but the opposite happened. Sometimes it just makes you realize that you’re a mistake. And every day reasserts that thought.
If I believed in demons & angels, I’d say there are opportunistic spirits in the air, waiting centuries for a physical body, and when they see a chance to take hold of one near death, they do. It really does feel like a possession sometimes. But really, even that idea is just a dramatic fantasy to give my life more value than it has.
It’s ok to be tired. That’s the one thought that helps me and maybe it’ll help you too. It’s ok to screw up. To feel worthless. Sometimes it’s therapeutic to stare at the ceiling for hours and revel in your failure. So maybe if you stop beating yourself up, you can wake up tomorrow, or in a week or whenever, and try again. That’s what I’m hoping for at least.
Thanks, salt. Your comments always seem to make me feel a bit better. That, and walrus’ jokes. The combination of the two is almost lethal.
“The combination of the two is almost lethal.”
Hey no methods!! 😉
Lol my bad. I just discovered a new one and thought I’d share.