The mind, is a cruel tool. A very cruel tool. But it’s cruel too be kind. Nearly a year ago, something I thought that would never happen did, and it hurt. God damn is was like headbanging through a bullet proof window. Something I was almost sure that I could not get through. I became… Different. To say the least I was very self destructive and very suicidal. But, much like the cliché “Time heals all wounds” and I’ve started to mend my ways. Today my brain sent me a reminder. A reminder it forced me to watch over, and over and over and over […]
I’m the type of person who is happy go lucky… So to speak. I’ve been blessed with the gift of making others laugh… It feels good, mostly. The problem with having that trait is people always expect you to make them laugh… You can never be serious, the biggest problem I’m facing as of late… People think I’m dumb… That hurts. I give so many people my time and try to make them feel good for the time they’re around me… And I’m dumb… No one realises that I’m actually pretty smart, because the second I’m not making people laugh I am tuned out. No […]
I’ve been doing some thinking. I’ve been depressed since I was 14-15ish… That’s when I first started dating… I feel really bleak inside. I invest, the whole of myself into these relationships from the get go, and they never pan out. When we break up, I’m lonely, and feel worse. Recently my ex-girlfriend, the one who mattered most admitted to me she was never happy with me, which tore a large chunk out of me, considering I was at my best with her. I felt something that wasn’t so desolate. But in the end, it was just me… It was a selfish relationship, I’m the […]
if I don’t feel the slightest bit better, it’s been nice having your presence grace my life. Gooiid-bye.
I don’t know why I can’t let go of you. You’ve told me you love someone else, yet I still torture myself by calling you trying to patch things over. No one could love you like I do… No one will ever fuck you like I did. I’ve tried to let go… I can’t I just can’t, and I wish I knew why. I would have killed for you, and now I’m dying from you… Isn’t it Ironic? I’m doing everything I can for your love, I’ve become a neat freak, because you hated the condition of my room… My apartment is spotless. I’ve lost […]
You are my affliction, you have stolen my ability to move one through my own accord. You are my addiction, My eyes are swollen and death is a price I cannot afford.
Sometimes I wish I lived in the States… Not because I value their beliefs, or like their government… It’s illegal to own fire arms where I live. If I had a gun, I wouldn’t be writing this. I don’t have enough pills for an overdose, and children are playing outside in the snow, so I cannot jump off of my balcony. I just really wish I had a gun and one in the chamber… There is nothing worth living for in my life any more… nothing.
Scissorhands
if you fuck with my heart
you’re fucked from the start
so rise to present a prize to resent
It’s still too late to understand
Once you are dead theres no coming back
If you make me see red I’ll make you see black
I see that your neck is laced with a necklace craze
My new refined taste will leave you out for days
It’s a bloodlusts inspiration, concentration
I am stronger than you, we all know its the truth
Scissorhands
I expressed my feelings to someone, who didn’t judge and was very understanding… I hoped it would take me from this, dark feeling I feel. It didn’t, it just left me feeling embarassed.
Scissorhands
I found a song that describes exactly how I feel every second of everyday. Here are the lyrics, I do not mean to break any rules by posting this, I just mean to share myself with anyone who will take a glance.
City Lights by Motionless in White
Paralyzed by my envy of the night
I am lost without you here and outside it looks like rain
For the last time, I bleed myself dry tonight
And nothing I could ever write, will help you understand this life
There’s so much beauty when your eyes lay lost in all the city lights
The wax will drip as […]
As of late, I’ve been seriously weighing the options of committing suicide. Not just because of my loss, but just general unhappiness. I haven’t been happy since- well I can’t remember when. I’m not even sure if I would know what happiness is, even if it slapped me in the face. Faking a smile is getting to tiresome, my cheeks are sore. I just don’t want to have to deal with it any more. Finding reasons why suicide isn’t the best option is getting more and more difficult with each passing day, I’ve been contemplating for about 4 years? Roughly 1500 days. Enough is enough? […]
I bought your ring…. Now it rests on the bottom of the North Saskatchewan river where we made love for the first time.
Scissorhands
This post contains a single curse word, I try to keep my posts clean, but for the sake of accuracy I have used a single word, I’ve starred it out. I apologize if the language offends, and if this post must be removed, I understand.
I dreamt of my love today, I laid down for a 2 hour nap, I closed my eyes and she was all I saw. I dreamt she had moved on, there was no room for me in the picture any more. A lot of it is foggy (as most dreams are for me) but I clearly remember being on my knees […]
I once read that a possible cause for suicidal thoughts, is when pain outweighs your ability to cope. Pain could be any number of things, physical, mental, I’m going to talk about loss. Suicide It isn’t weakness. I’ve coped with a lot. I’ve been molested as a five year old, beaten as an 8 year old, beaten in high school, cheated on by many girlfriends, and have always manage to fake a smile. Â But I’ve lost, something that is without a doubt more dear to me than any kind of innocence… I’ve lost my child. I’ve only loved one person truly inside and out, I […]
I’ve felt myself wither away. Â My heart is buried in the snows of last year, my soul is liquid in a bottle, my feeling is gone and my hands are replaced with scissors. I feel incomplete. My hands… cold, rusted, devoid of anything human, the hands I used to hold you with, are now sharpened… The pain they may inflict reflects what I feel inside. Â I can’t even see my own reflection, every mirror I’ve punched out, and my fingers… I’ve scratch out every last reflective gleam they could have ever bared. My only company is myself, hate and regret…
I hope he treats you right…
Scissorhands.