The mind, is a cruel tool. A very cruel tool. But it’s cruel too be kind. Nearly a year ago, something I thought that would never happen did, and it hurt. God damn is was like headbanging through a bullet proof window. Something I was almost sure that I could not get through. I became… Different. To say the least I was very self destructive and very suicidal. But, much like the cliché “Time heals all wounds” and I’ve started to mend my ways. Today my brain sent me a reminder. A reminder it forced me to watch over, and over and over and over again, and I learned something. I’m not 100 percent healed… But each day I’m closer. 3 and a half hours of what was meant to be a calm peaceful slumber before a doctor’s appointment, turned into my brain… Kind of being a bully. But then I woke up, a year ago I would have grabbed a bottle and cuddled it back to sleep, or even taken a very long jump. But not today… Today I grabbed a glass of water. Stepped out onto my deck, took a couple breaths… I enjoyed the beauty in front of me. I felt warm… I felt good. The good feeling, is the reward my brain gave me… Kind of like “Good job Scott, you’re pulling through.” And it’s right… I’m pulling through. I’m not 100 percent yet, and I may not ever reach 100 percent. But It’s a goal.. and that’s something to be proud of.
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**Big hugs** I am glad to hear you reached out and got help and are now on the road to recovery. I am happy to hear you managed to change and ignore your destructive thought pattern, its a very hard thing to do. I know what that feels like, but you have to keep stong, sending much love your way x
Thanks 🙂 I remember 6 months ago posting about the strong urge to kill to myself over and over and over and over and over… But now the thought hardly crosses my mind, and when it does I shake it off… Because I don’t want to die… Atleast not right now. I’m hardly 20. I’ve got this entire life ahead of me. A life full of new friends, experiences, loves etc. And I want to be around to experience it… This is my message to everyone, It get’s better. I used to laugh when someone would say that cliché line, but it’s true. Maybe it comes with maturity, maybe it comes with the whole “time heals all wounds”. I don’t really know, all that matters is that it does. My message to everyone is… “I was just like you 6 months ago, I know what it’s like to have that voice telling you to push yourself over the edge, and you try to drown it out, but it quickly becomes the only voice you hear, over and over and over again. But you can fight it…. All you have to do is hold on”.
I used to be a weak person, but I’ve overcome… I think we all have a bit of weakness inside of ourselves, especially if we are contemplating suicide. Not an insulting weakness, more so an emotional weakness… something very human, and something I consider normal… We can fight it though. all we have to do is “Hold on.”