What is it like to just live? To just live a life where you don’t feel like everyone is watching you? Where no one gives a shit what you are doing, where you are going, who you are talking to, and how you are doing it? I really can’t remember. I honestly want to live in a cave underground with no windows and no doors and no light so that no one can see me ever. I want to not exist. I want to be alone so that I don’t hurt anyone. I want to never interact with anyone so that I don’t do anything […]
It’s been a very long time since I have visited here. It’s been at least two months since I wrote anything here and since I felt this lost. Tonight however, was the first time in what feels like an eternity that I felt completely lost, alone, helpless, and like no one was ever going to be able to be trusted again.
You see, to understand you would have to know what it felt like to be living a type of Quintin Terentino movie that felt all too much like a dream but one that you could never wake up from. Add to that a movie […]
What Do I Say Now? PART I
I don’t really know how to go about saying what I need to say to all of the people that I need to say something to. Honestly, how do you say that your sorry for killing yourself to all of those that you love and care about; when it was a truly selfish and self-centered thing to do, but it really was what you wanted at that moment and that you are still somewhat bitter about the fact that it was fucked with and you failed at because someone decided they knew what was in your best interest better […]
I just got out of the hospital about a day ago and I find myself here at about 2:15 am sitting in the living room in a some what odd position in quite a significant amount of pain. 6 days ago, after having a rather unproductive and uneventful day, I ended up getting into an argument with my 17 and a half year old son over the fact that I hI have been sober for 3 years and about 5 months or so however back in February when I was tired of being accused of drinking when I wasn’t and being accused of being […]
I’m not really sure what my last post was cuz I am having to write these as they come to me on a word processor and then copy and paste them when I do have internet access. It has its ups and downs. I can’t get distracted by pop ups and the curiosity of social media and all of that meaningless mind wasting junk that it can be. I find that if I can get caught up in all of that it ends up becoming some sort of drama filled b.s. game and I’d rather sit back and and watch then participate in any […]
okay, so i was just writing a post that gave everyone all the information that could possibly need and then some about any reason I may have for feeling blue. I had to stop myself mid way because I realized it wasn’t even helping me out. I was boring myself! Instead, what I am going to try to do here is just blurt it all out. Say what I’m feeling, maybe add a reason or two, and then move on to the next whatever comes to mind. I’m hoping this does at least a little something for someone if not for me.
3………………3………………….2………………………………….2……………………………………2……………………………..1…………..GO!
worthless. I […]
okay, so i was just writing a post that gave everyone all the information that could possibly need and then some about any reason I may have for feeling blue. I had to stop myself mid way because I realized it wasn’t even helping me out. I was boring myself! Instead, what I am going to try to do here is just blurt it all out. Say what I’m feeling, maybe add a reason or two, and then move on to the next whatever comes to mind. I’m hoping this does at least a little something for someone if not for me.
3………………3………………….2………………………………….2……………………………………2……………………………..1…………..GO!
worthless. I […]
If you were supposedly being fooled by everyone around you and only you were the one that was gawked at? What would you do if you felt as though your every thought, feeling, written or spoken statement, action, and the like were all being not just recorded by thouse trying to hurt you but judged as well? How is it that you would deal with the fact that at not quite 40 years old, you feel worn down, exhausted, used up, and spent? If you felt like your entire exsistance was spent on a completely uphill journey at full steam ahead and you were just […]
my mind really meant to me. I spent the majority of my teen and adolecent years concerned with how I looked, what I wore, who I spent time with and so on. My educaiton was never a really huge concern of mine (although I did care if I was able to get the higher marks on my sudies along with my peers) but I did okay as far as all of that went. Even into my 20’s I wasn’t as concerned with what I knew as much as I was with what I was doing at the time.
Now, here I am in my late […]
Here I am, don’t rock me like a hurricane, just hear me out. I have been dealing with some of the most difficult shit that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life and I am completely done with all of it. This life and this bullshit seriously arent worth the endless hours of agony and the energy that it takes to continue on.
At times I don’t even know who I am anymore. From one minute to the next it seems as though I am forced to deal with more drama, insanity, and childish crap than a middle school principal.
I […]
I don’t have Internet connection on a regular basis so if I want to write a post for this site I have to pre-write it and save it fir when I do have Internet. This is a bummer in one way because if I don’t have my laptop the next time I get Internet I can’t post it or if I have it on my flash drive but only have my cell phone the next time I have Internet then I can’t post it either.
So, now that I have that all explained away, I suppose I will update those who care or are even […]
…back at home. And tonight for what I believe is the third time in four daysI have had to call rhe local police department to aks them to check the area for this female that continues to come to our bedroom window at night and call out to my man. She calls him by name, taps on the window, flashes a light into our room and just pesters the fuck out of me if I’m in the room or does whatever it is she does with/to my man when I am not in the room. The difference between the last two times I have called […]
Will it ever end? Will it ever stop? I have so many questions and no answers for any of them. I have no idea what anyone else reality is but i can tell you for sure that mine is shit. I have absolutely nothing to stand on, no foundation or stable ground that I can always rely upon for safety or otherwise. Does anyone know what i am talking about?
I seem to chase away everyone that I love because I am so tired of hurting them all of the time. Every emotion that I have comes across as angry, even when I am hurt […]
I try. I try to do everything. I try to keep you happy. I try to really hard to keep you from getting upset. I try to get everything done. I try to finish what I start. I try to make you happy.
I try to be a good mom. I try not to give too much advice or leeway, but it seems I just cant find the right balance.
I try to be there for you when you need someone. I try to make myself available to you for just about everything. I try to make sure your always comfortable. I try to keep […]
If I could just do it right now, it would be very little planning, as few “tools” as possible and I would REALLY enjoy feeling physically amazing just before starting.
I would want to do something quick, like a little slit of the wrists, thighs,and then carotid and jugular veins / arteries. Either that our I’d eat a bullet. Quick, precise, and thorough.
The only reason I can’t do it right
this moment is because I have so much shit to wrap up so that I know that I will be absolutely no more burden to anyone. , Plus, if I were to go […]
The time is drawing near….
I fear. It’s coming on a lot faster than I expected it to. It’s a little odd how the more and more I feel the need to exit this life, the less and less detailed and involved it needs to be. I used to sit and think about how much better things would be for me and for everyone else if I wasn’t here. It was like I would daydream about how wonderful I would “feel” and how free everyone else would be. I would picture my services when I was laid to rest and I would think of all […]
I had a dream the other night that only frightens me because of the underlying message I found in it.
I dreamt that I was outside in the yard, I can’t recall what I was doing but it was a nice, warm, clear, day. I had heard a loud bang and fizzle type of sound. Myself and a few others that were also outside looked up to the sky and saw an enormous missile with three cylinders crash right into the hillside, not more than fifteen miles away. As others began to panic and clamour around, I just stood still, staring in awe. […]
What would I say? What would they want to hear? What would they want to know? These are a few of the questions that I have about what will happen after I’m gone. Other than that there really isn’t any telling what will happen to whom and how. There are of course the general predictions that we make about those that we know both in our families and out and about what our children will be like when they have fully grown, but aside from all of that, I really don’t care to find out.
In all honesty, I am not too eager to find […]
I’m inn another state visiting family. It’s not really a vacation because I came here to visit mainly with my grandmother who ifs 93 and not getting any younger. I’m staying with one of my parents and two of my children. While it’s nice to see them and to spend a little time with them, I really don’t want be here. Even more so, I don’t want to be alive.
I have been in so many relationships and dealt with so much bull shit and drama that you would think that I would be able to make better choices and such where relationships are concerned. […]
I am feeling such a huge sense of loss and I didn’t even know the man. I only knew of him and from a distance. Although he always made me laugh and I was always so touched by the many kind things he did in his life, I could see the pain and anguish in his every expression. Even when he was trying so desperately to be light heart-ed, there it was in his eyes, the window to his soul. Thank you Sir Robin, for all of the laughs that you gave me, the wonderful memories of family and friends and great times while enjoying […]
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