okay, so i was just writing a post that gave everyone all the information that could possibly need and then some about any reason I may have for feeling blue. I had to stop myself mid way because I realized it wasn’t even helping me out. I was boring myself! Instead, what I am going to try to do here is just blurt it all out. Say what I’m feeling, maybe add a reason or two, and then move on to the next whatever comes to mind. I’m hoping this does at least a little something for someone if not for me.
3………………3………………….2………………………………….2……………………………………2……………………………..1…………..GO!
worthless. I am feeling worthless because in the eyes of my son and his baby mama’s family, I am not an important person in his life and there is no need for him to bond with me or love or even know me for any reason. He’d be better off without me completely.
Empty – I don’t really know how to describe this one except to say that I don’t have so many of the important answers that I need so desperately and I don’t know where to find them. AND what I thought I did know, all seems null and void and completely irrelevant at this point.
Useless – I’m sure we all have this feeling from time to time but in all seriousness, I feel like I create more problems that there were before I cam along and tried to do anything helpful at all. I know what needs to get done, I know what needs to be done first and what can wait a half a day, but the second I start in on on thing, SOMETHING, ANYTHING, will get in my way and I will stop what I started or move on to another thing leaving my mess and my madness behind me. This does nothing but upset those that I live with and that have to deal with my insanity and constant searching for things.
Anxious – I’m anxious because I am going to have a procedure done for health reasons in the next 2 days and the thought of it alone scares me. Then add in what they could find and well I may as well be scared. I’m also anxious about the fact that they found a growth behind my knee that they are saying is nothing, i feel somewhere inside of me that it’s something,
I feel alone – lonely. – It is impossible for me to show anyone or explain to anyone what it is like to live one day in my life, let alone, in my head. It is a very dark, sad, cold, mean, and cruel place and when I slip and make a comment no one understands or I say something that is taken the wrong way, then I am not being “good”. It’s almost like I’m retraining myself more what behaviors are okay instead of what my mind is telling me vs what is actually happening. Either way, I don’t know anyone else that feels this was or deals with it. How can anyone relate?
Frustrated – I CAN’T GET ONLINE 95% OF THE TIME THAT I NEED TO FOR ANY REASON – email, posts, research, keeping in touch, maps, NOTHING! It’s very VERY frustrating.
scared – I am scared to death of a few things. They are 1) Loosing my man. the only person n my life who has stuck by my side and dealt with all of this bullshit and actually helped me to figure out what was going on. I’m afraid that one of these days, I’m gonna push the wrong button or say the wrong thing and then *POOF* there I am, completely alone again. 2) I am afraid that I will get in front of an ALJ who will decided that I do not need SSI or SDI an that I will be forever stuck in this financial black hole of a hell and never ever be able to move forward so that I’m near family. 3) I am afraid that my children are not going to understand me, accept me, or even want to deal with me once they all know all of the details about me and my diagnosis. I can already feel the barriers being built and see the walls going up. I am NOT going to be the one person that they can always count on or that they go to with their every need. I will most likely be last on that list.
and finally – ashamed. I feel ashamed because of what has become of me not just mentally but physically as well. I can’t smile any more cuz I’m missing most of my teeth (which let me just tell you does nothing positive for those age lines that need to stand out so amazingly!), I’m thin, always have been for the most part but I get judged negatively on that as well. My BMI is 22 but if someone asked you to guess you might be inclined to say more like 18. My hair is thinning, another side effect of years of psych meds and well, I have a deep voice with a smokers laugh. Cuz yup, I was one of those smart kids who started smoking at age 12.
So there you have it. Hopefully my next post will be on the positive ways that I am feeling because I will be done with my procedure, I’ll have my water turned back on again and maybe they don’t find anything crazy during the procedure.
Hope your better…..till next time.
~cheers~
5 comments
Firstly, I enjoyed the format of your post.
My advice, identify the top things that bug you and figure out if they are fixable or non fixable. If they are, decide if you care to fix them, if so attack them with vigor.
Keep writing and introspecting. If you are able to communicate with random humans on the internet, you’ll find a way to communicate with those in your life.
A few thoughts on your topics:
Worthless: Don’t try so hard, be yourself. Try to put a smile on their face. Thats it, nothing more.
Empty: If you don’t know where to look for the answers, try looking where you least expect them. Or punt them till later. Inspiration hits you when you least expect it.
Useless: Prioritize, don’t let things that are in front of you take control of your goals.
Anxious: I hope things go well! And if they told you that growth didn’t matter, believe them. It seems to me, if it mattered at all they would try to squeeze more money out of you or the government for it.
Alone: You tried to explain it here. I listened. Sure, I don’t feel exactly what you feel. But we are all there with you. You’ll find the words.
Scared: He stuck with you this long, don’t overthink, just keep being you. Be patient and understanding whenever you can. I wish I had magic financial advice, but I don’t. Take on as much as you can, and no more. As to your children, they are stronger than you think. Its ok, be there for them as much as you can. You can only do what you are able. They will understand. And if not, its ok. All we can do in life is try.
Keep your stick on the ice.
sometimes we cannot be good enough for everybody.
But you are so good at heart.
Dear Cephalus,
Thank you so very much for your advice. I really appreciate it. The fact that you not only took time to read my post but you also replied. I am very grateful for that. I like everything that you said and I would be a liar if I said that I hadn’t heard most of that before. It’s just so much easier to hear it from someone who doesn’t know me and has nothing to gain from me changing my ways. (can you see where the trust issues and paranoia have run my life to where I am an just how much damage they have caused?) Thank you so much for your response and your time. In all honesty it does mean a lot to me. Im hoping to hear from you again.
Dear Moonshine,
Not only do I love your name (yes I am a recovering alcoholic) but what you said in your reply was short and sweet but very honest and true. I take it to heart and believe that what you said is genuinely true and what I need to do as well. I hope that you are doing well and that you are not suffering currently in your life. ~Cheers
I personally don’t think that anybodies children understand their parents/parent for a long time… the important thing as a parent is doing your best to understand your children, that’s what they need and in time they might come to understand you. I have no children but I’m speaking from personal experience of growing up not understanding as a child and understanding more and more as I grew older. Do what you can to the best of your ability, I wish you the best of luck.