sinner

Pretty self-explanatory. I just can’t. Even earlier today, when I had helped work outside, and then had to take a shower, and then had to get ready to go to a thing. It took nearly everything out of me. I’m glad I went to the thing – someone I care about was there and I’d like to at least hope she was glad I was there. But… it was just so much.

Getting out of bed, and getting out of this room, has only been getting harder. So, other tasks are even worse. Even the most basic cleanliness is just… so hard for me. Being around […]

The hours tick by and all it does is turn dim thoughts in my head into neon signs that I can’t look away from. Reality, I guess. Myself.

I don’t know how I have the audacity to continue being alive. Knowing, despite the effort I do put in, it’s not really enough. And that I’m too pathetic to put any more in. So I sit here, being a god damn parasite to everything. Everyone. All I do is suck the life out of people. Burden good people more than they’re already burdened. I don’t know how they can even look at me, much less include me […]

Taking it day at a time, I guess. Hour at a time. Minute at a time. It’s about all I can really manage right now. It’s all I’ve been able to manage for some time, I’d say. There’s that tiny, stupid little part of me that wonders, hopes for a light somewhere, despite everything being so dark and has been for so long. Hope for a relief, maybe. Maybe that’s why I’m still alive, but who’s to say. I don’t know if I’ll live long enough to experience it, or if I’ll live an ungodly amount of time here and feel just… like this the […]

I dont even want anyone to care anymore I’d rather no one knew of me at all. I’ll just deal with being alone. Like I’ve been. they just all need to get away from me now. it’ll all just hurt them and me in the end and while I’d deal they dont deserve that. I don’t have much holding me back anymore, and if I can just somehow get through to them I’m not worth it, then it’ll be much easier. I cant even look at myself. I’ve barely been out of bed. it’s getting so bad I dont even think I can get out […]

i just can’t, and it’s getting worse. night by night, little by little. but it doesn’t feel like a little. i just want to know what okay feels like. want to know what being enough is like. im trying really hard to be enough, to get my life together, so i can actually matter. but the days continue and not mattering is starting to really get to me. the failing feeling. the isolation. god, the isolation… its better to just pretend im fine anyway because talking about anything would just burden everyone more. everything’s eating me alive, i feel like im being ripped apart. i […]

I’m always so bad at starting these. What else is there to say, anyway? I just feel the same way I always do. It’s been a very long and exhausting week. Had to go to a funeral yesterday of a family friend’s – which really sucked, as expected. I’ll really miss the guy- he was an important person in my childhood. I don’t know if I was all that significant in his life- his family gave my little sister a bowl he made because he had talked about her all the time, I guess. They didn’t even remember me even though we’ve met a few […]

I feel like I’m behind tinted glass – I can see everything out there. Life, the people around me day to day… but I can’t break the glass, and no one out there really sees me. It’s okay, I guess. Maybe it’s supposed to be this way. Maybe I’m just not meant to be out there because I’ve already messed up enough. But it’s lonely here. Lonely to a point I feel sick.

I don’t blame anyone but myself. I just… didn’t get to where I needed to be. And I keep fucking up, over and over again… just constantly in the way, a burden to […]

I know it’s really stupid but sometimes I just… really want a hug. To be held. Even if it’s just for a minute. But instead I’m stuck here, staring at the ceiling attempting to sleep because I know I have to get up early tomorrow but I just can’t. I feel so alone… I feel so alone all the time and I hate it so much. I know I’m just a burden, I know I’ve brought everything upon myself, I know I’m not worth the time, but… still, I just want to be hugged…

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Even doing my art, something that’s supposed to be therapeutic and expressive for me, has become another thing that I always overthink and hesitate on, something I dislike, something I don’t do unless I think it will be perfect – or, well, as perfect as I can do anything ever. I can’t even do my hobbies w/o being reminded of my flaws, and it stings. Always worried about everything. It’s ridiculous, honestly. It made me lose my motivation, […]

I can’t do this. I’m spiraling further and further. I can’t live like this anymore, knowing I’m nothing but a burden to everything. I can’t do it. It hurts. I can’t even look at myself even when I’m hurting myself. I’m tired, I hate myself, and I’m scared, and I don’t think I can do this much longer. I’m sorry

On May 31st at 4:40 a.m. I told my mom and stepdad I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It had been a long night, they were screaming, fighting, mom was throwing shit everywhere. Phone calls were made. This was all after, of course, we had packed everything into the U-Haul because we had to move due to money and just their issues in general. Stepdad would change his mind every few minutes, but I think his decision was made. He’s back in New Jersey, probably with our cats and dog, that I’ll probably never see again. The day before I had held mom as she […]

I’m scared that it won’t ever go away – that I’ll feel like this until the end of time. It’s started wearing down what little of me there is left. Even on a good day it’s not far from my mind, and the good days are getting further and further apart.

I just feel alone. Completely and utterly. And I can’t even let anyone in, because they’d just leave. Or be dragged down with me, and that’s worse. I have to keep such a distance from everyone. Everything. So I’ve been alone. So… alone. I feel hopeless. And weak. Cowardly. I’m a failure for letting myself […]

I read all the old posts I’ve written over time, last night. Didn’t realize I sounded so whiny. So childlike. It makes me cringe even now. Don’t know how anyone read them and took them seriously, including myself.

I’m sitting here. Again. Sitting and rotting as usual. My leg’s still throbbing from what I did a bit ago. I try to focus on that instead of what I’m feeling now, which is just… not well. I can’t even put it into words. Came here thinking I had a lot to say but I just don’t. It all just… stings I guess. My worth or lack thereof […]

Last night, I couldn’t sleep for hours. I had the same thought, same urge, over and over and over for hours before that. I’ve had it before, though never did it. Well, last night, I did. It still hurts. I did it earlier tonight too but it’s not near as bad – kinda quit in the middle of it, got distracted by something. Can’t remember what. The pain is nice compared to the other stuff. Someone came over – my mom’s mom, the one who causes nothing but shit for us all. Pulled my hair and got mad that I reacted negatively. All I thought […]

I just… want to feel something- anything- other than this. I’ve been like this for months now. And it feels like it’s only getting worse- that I’m slowly sinking. I can’t bring myself to do anything, it’s nearly impossible to find joy in anything. I’ve isolated myself from everyone. I don’t have any energy to talk, no energy to come up with good lies or excuses when people on the outside ask about things. So I just kinda sit here. And I sit. And I rot. It’s so hard to bring myself to care, but when I do I just feel embarrassed, and ashamed. Knowing […]

Idk what I’m doing on here – I mean, I’m no different than I am any other time. Today was alright. Was able to hang w my little sister for awhile. Showed her how to play Skyrim a bit, fucked around. It was fun. I may or may not have had to do most of the work, but I was fine with it ahaha. Also, idk what’s up mom’s ass lately, but I’m getting tired of it. The passive aggressive “oh you could do x, y, z for me/us, since you don’t ever do anything” or acting like I’m the most disgusting, vile creature on […]

I just feel like I’m drowning. I’m so numb. I’m so tired of everything. Most of all, I’m tired of myself. I yearn for escape of any kind. Release. An end to all of this chaos, that never leaves my mind. The chaos of this world in general. The chaos that is myself. I’m exhausted. I’m mentally and emotionally just… drained. I’ve been drained for months. I don’t think it will ever end. I think I will constantly be in this drained state, even IF (a big if) I get around to getting my life actually, ya know, started… but that’s just the way of […]

I can’t really remember the last time I’ve felt okay. Or present, really. Been really dissociated and stuck in my own head. Stepping away from reality for a while’s kinda nice. I very rarely sleep. I’ve not done anything w my life yet. Was supposed to start school but I procrastinated on signing up for so long I ended up missing deadlines. No one knows except me. I know they’d all just be ashamed of me if they knew, and it’d be justified. It’s hard to say I find joy in anything anymore, other than perhaps the maladaptive daydreams I get myself stuck in, and […]

i wish i would just do it already. i dont know what stops me. other than being a coward. i feel like im at the brink of losing it. ive already failed. im a failure. but being a not-failure is too much. being a somebody – doing anything that matters – is too much. i am so tired. but ive done nothing. literally. nothing. i am nothing. what am i even holding on for. theres nothing. fucking nothing! i shouldve killed myself long ago. 2018. i dont know what stopped me then. or now. or ever. theres no point anyway. this world is awful. im […]

Life doesn’t even feel real to me right now. More like a vague nightmare that I can’t remember fully but remember how scary and painful it was/is. I barely grasp the passing of time throughout the day. I guess I avoid it too, since it’s a very big anxiety for me – watching time pass. Especially with shit to do that I just can’t bring myself to get done. There’s a lot I need to get done. I’m stuck in a limbo in life right now – in between still being a kid and growing up. The next steps scare me. Talking to people scares […]