sinner

Looking in my window. I know you’ll never see this, and I don’t care.

How are you going to do it not once, but multiple times, and still come down here and tell me you’re not going to do it again? Tell me you have to fight the temptation to do it, tell me you’re restraining yourself by not doing anything else, and expect me to feel even remotely alright being around you? You can promise all you want but I don’t believe you. At least you finally admitted you were just looking to look instead of making up some bullshit excuse about being traumatized when […]

I’m only still alive because I’ve promised a select few that I would. Just 3 people, I’m pretty sure. While I’m immensely grateful for them and very glad to have them in my life, sometimes I regret ever making such a promise. Sometimes I even get mad at them, but I know it’s not their fault. Do they even remember making me promise? I wonder

Just one thing after another. Starting classes really soon and I know I’m not cut out for it. Car’s fucked up. I’m broke af. Family’s in a pretty rocky spot and can’t do shit about it. And wow, imagine that, still being a leech on what’s around me. The people I’ve been living with have been helping a lot with certain things esp regarding the school and the car and I feel like shit about it. More money down the drain on their end. I wish I would’ve stayed at that job at the nursing home. It might’ve killed me, but I wouldn’t have died […]

I’m ashamed of myself. The amount of space I take up.

I’m a selfish piece of shit. A fucking parasite that ruins everything I come across.

Essentially that’s all this is, which I think is why I don’t utilize this place as much as I once did. Sorry in advance.

I’m quitting my job, Friday being my last day. Me? Lazy, not committed to anything, slow and too okay with being burdensome, quitting? Who would’ve guessed, huh? I really just can’t handle the intensity of the place. I like the residents, I like helping, but I’m not capable of doing what they seem to want me to be able to do. 4 or 5 12 hour shifts make me want to die. A big portion of the people I do work with […]

Can’t say anything’s changed. I don’t know if I know how to be okay or not. I’m falling into habits again, as I always seem to when I know someone and they’re around long enough. Its ridiculous and it’s something I’m very frustrated about. It’s like I’ve not even changed at all. I’m the same parasite I always was. I dont know how to like- not be? But I’ve decided if me feeling ok requires dragging others down, I’ll pass. Because that’s just not ok, obviously. This shit needs to stop. Hell, it’s part of why I used this place as frequently as I did/do.

I […]

God, life, whatever you are. You win. I’m not gonna fight it anymore. I fought, I tried, I really did. You did a pretty good job of kicking my ass. Props to you.

I gave all I had, though I know it wasn’t a lot. It wasn’t a very good job. But I was stubborn. Stupidly stubborn, really. And kept going, and going. Thought maybe if I fought hard enough, there would be light at the end. That there would be something more, something different than this. But I was wrong. Oh so very wrong. That’s on me. This whole thing’s on me, and I know […]

I had called my dad after I got off work this morning. Was crying but was able to keep myself somewhat together to talk. I don’t really know why I called, other than I hadn’t seen him/family in a while and was just overwhelmed in general. I asked if he thought something was wrong with me, and why I feel like there is. I think he had said there isn’t anything wrong, I’m just adjusting to things. I even told him that I feel like all I do is drag people down and burden people around me. Like at work. I can’t remember the full […]

I’m not entirely sure what made me think I could handle this, any of it. But fuck that part of my brain. I’m too much of an idiot for this job, every time I think I’m doing something right something gets fucked up. Granted that’s very typical of me. I’m overwhelmed, I’m very tired, I’m annoyed that I have to do this all over again tmr night and I had to nearly fight tooth and nail for a schedule. I’m the idiot that can barely grasp anything and I’m just another burden people have to deal w here. I’ve had to ask for help and […]

Pretty self-explanatory. I just can’t. Even earlier today, when I had helped work outside, and then had to take a shower, and then had to get ready to go to a thing. It took nearly everything out of me. I’m glad I went to the thing – someone I care about was there and I’d like to at least hope she was glad I was there. But… it was just so much.

Getting out of bed, and getting out of this room, has only been getting harder. So, other tasks are even worse. Even the most basic cleanliness is just… so hard for me. Being around […]

The hours tick by and all it does is turn dim thoughts in my head into neon signs that I can’t look away from. Reality, I guess. Myself.

I don’t know how I have the audacity to continue being alive. Knowing, despite the effort I do put in, it’s not really enough. And that I’m too pathetic to put any more in. So I sit here, being a god damn parasite to everything. Everyone. All I do is suck the life out of people. Burden good people more than they’re already burdened. I don’t know how they can even look at me, much less include me […]

Taking it day at a time, I guess. Hour at a time. Minute at a time. It’s about all I can really manage right now. It’s all I’ve been able to manage for some time, I’d say. There’s that tiny, stupid little part of me that wonders, hopes for a light somewhere, despite everything being so dark and has been for so long. Hope for a relief, maybe. Maybe that’s why I’m still alive, but who’s to say. I don’t know if I’ll live long enough to experience it, or if I’ll live an ungodly amount of time here and feel just… like this the […]

I dont even want anyone to care anymore I’d rather no one knew of me at all. I’ll just deal with being alone. Like I’ve been. they just all need to get away from me now. it’ll all just hurt them and me in the end and while I’d deal they dont deserve that. I don’t have much holding me back anymore, and if I can just somehow get through to them I’m not worth it, then it’ll be much easier. I cant even look at myself. I’ve barely been out of bed. it’s getting so bad I dont even think I can get out […]

i just can’t, and it’s getting worse. night by night, little by little. but it doesn’t feel like a little. i just want to know what okay feels like. want to know what being enough is like. im trying really hard to be enough, to get my life together, so i can actually matter. but the days continue and not mattering is starting to really get to me. the failing feeling. the isolation. god, the isolation… its better to just pretend im fine anyway because talking about anything would just burden everyone more. everything’s eating me alive, i feel like im being ripped apart. i […]

I’m always so bad at starting these. What else is there to say, anyway? I just feel the same way I always do. It’s been a very long and exhausting week. Had to go to a funeral yesterday of a family friend’s – which really sucked, as expected. I’ll really miss the guy- he was an important person in my childhood. I don’t know if I was all that significant in his life- his family gave my little sister a bowl he made because he had talked about her all the time, I guess. They didn’t even remember me even though we’ve met a few […]

I feel like I’m behind tinted glass – I can see everything out there. Life, the people around me day to day… but I can’t break the glass, and no one out there really sees me. It’s okay, I guess. Maybe it’s supposed to be this way. Maybe I’m just not meant to be out there because I’ve already messed up enough. But it’s lonely here. Lonely to a point I feel sick.

I don’t blame anyone but myself. I just… didn’t get to where I needed to be. And I keep fucking up, over and over again… just constantly in the way, a burden to […]

I know it’s really stupid but sometimes I just… really want a hug. To be held. Even if it’s just for a minute. But instead I’m stuck here, staring at the ceiling attempting to sleep because I know I have to get up early tomorrow but I just can’t. I feel so alone… I feel so alone all the time and I hate it so much. I know I’m just a burden, I know I’ve brought everything upon myself, I know I’m not worth the time, but… still, I just want to be hugged…

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Even doing my art, something that’s supposed to be therapeutic and expressive for me, has become another thing that I always overthink and hesitate on, something I dislike, something I don’t do unless I think it will be perfect – or, well, as perfect as I can do anything ever. I can’t even do my hobbies w/o being reminded of my flaws, and it stings. Always worried about everything. It’s ridiculous, honestly. It made me lose my motivation, […]

I can’t do this. I’m spiraling further and further. I can’t live like this anymore, knowing I’m nothing but a burden to everything. I can’t do it. It hurts. I can’t even look at myself even when I’m hurting myself. I’m tired, I hate myself, and I’m scared, and I don’t think I can do this much longer. I’m sorry

On May 31st at 4:40 a.m. I told my mom and stepdad I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It had been a long night, they were screaming, fighting, mom was throwing shit everywhere. Phone calls were made. This was all after, of course, we had packed everything into the U-Haul because we had to move due to money and just their issues in general. Stepdad would change his mind every few minutes, but I think his decision was made. He’s back in New Jersey, probably with our cats and dog, that I’ll probably never see again. The day before I had held mom as she […]