Last night, I couldn’t sleep for hours. I had the same thought, same urge, over and over and over for hours before that. I’ve had it before, though never did it. Well, last night, I did. It still hurts. I did it earlier tonight too but it’s not near as bad – kinda quit in the middle of it, got distracted by something. Can’t remember what. The pain is nice compared to the other stuff. Someone came over – my mom’s mom, the one who causes nothing but shit for us all. Pulled my hair and got mad that I reacted negatively. All I thought about is how I could come back to my room later at night and do this again. Perhaps I’m spiraling, I don’t know. Never thought I’d be here, to say the least. I’m not okay. Haven’t been for a long while. I think this may be the start of something pretty bad. Idk if it’s a valid form of what it is or not, at least tonight, ’cause skin didn’t break like last night. Like I said, got distracted by something. I’m sure if I were to bring it up I would be told that it’s not. That I’m looking for attention. Well, jokes on you, I don’t plan on telling a damn soul – save for the souls that are on this site, of course. Attention my ass. Gave up on that long ago. I’m really tired, I need to sleep. I can’t remember when I last slept very well. Get too uncomfortable and my body hurts. And get nightmares. Had dreams about doing what I did last night, all night long. Obviously, I’m skating around what it is a bit because I don’t know if I can share that on here or not. Scared of bothering people too. Don’t wanna make things worse for anyone. Although I can’t help but feel my mere existence does that anyway.
I just needed to get this out. I’m still sort of in disbelief and detached from it all. I can’t really tell anyone in my life about it. So I sit and I rot and ramble on here. None of my thoughts make any sense anymore, hence why I stopped posting for so long. But at the same time I feel like I need to get it out somehow. But then again it feels like it doesn’t matter and I should just shut the hell up. I’m very aware that this is a failure and sign of weakness on my part, and I failed, so I should just kill myself. I remember my old partner before she ghosted me making me promise I wouldn’t do what I did. ‘Cause she struggles with the same stuff. Told her I wouldn’t. Promised. Hey, I highly doubt you care anymore, but I broke that promise. Nothing matters anyway. I’m so tired of it all. So tired of myself. Living in this fucking head.
I’m sorry for fucking up again, being a failure. Being weak. Being selfish. For being broken. I didn’t mean to be broken it just kinda happened but it doesn’t matter ’cause I should’ve pushed past it and not be a dumbass anyway. At least I don’t b tch and moan in the real world anymore. That’s something, right? But I’m sorry anyway. Sorry for it all. Sorry I didn’t end it all when I said I would. I think I’m getting closer to that point though.
I’m sorry.