I wish I didn’t stay up so late. No one to talk to. Everything starts suffocating me. I’ve been so low for months, years, unable to seem to take care of myself hygienically for so long. Especially my teeth. My teeth are starting to crumble and crack. I know I must have multiple cavities. My 2 front teeth are coming out in bits in pieces. It’s pretty embarrassing. I just feel like a failure. An embarrassment. I guess I’m going to the dentist soon. More money wasted on me for appointments. As if eyes weren’t enough. Yay. I never really enjoyed the dentist. Scared, even. […]
sinner
So empty. Tired. Weak. All alone. Surrounded by dark muck. Empty, numb, more pain. It goes forever on.
I feel like I should apologize to everyone who’s ever loved or cared about me. I feel like all I did was waste their time. My friend’s, family’s, partner’s.
So I’m sorry.
It’s overwhelming… too many thoughts. Future, past, failure, her silence, this deep loneliness… it’s becoming too much.
I want to make that decision right now.
I could use something here, in this place.
I could make it all go away for good… and that’s all I want…
I want to make my stupid selfish self go away…. my rot that does nothing good for the world… I’m too loud and obnoxious anyway… and just an idiot… I’m consumed with worthlessness.
Too much, it’s all too much… in any case, I know I can be easily replaced for a better individual… I’m not needed. It makes me laugh, sometimes, when she […]
I finally moved a few weeks ago. Took long enough I guess. Glad I’m out. Overheard someone tell my dear father that he needed to “push” me to get out, so I went ahead and got it figured out for the poor man. Now I’m my mom and stepdad’s burden for awhile, I wonder how long it’ll be before they’re sick of me.
Shit still hurts.
I don’t see a point in the world, I don’t see a point in myself, I see nothing to go for. I just don’t care about anything anymore. I mean I care about my family, and my friends, but I’ve grown […]
Thoughts are getting bad again… I cant go a few minutes without some sort of noise, or game going on. I play ac for nearly 6-7 hours a day, as soon as I get off I’m freaking out. Watching movies, wasting data for youtube, music. I need to relax. I need to sleep. But I cant really.
I’m so stupidly weak and pathetic. No wonder I keep hurting. I’m a fucking moron, the weakest one I know. I have no grit, I’m no tough guy. I’m a pathetic idiot who whines on an anonymous site, wasting space. ‘Cause I’m a waste of space. All I ever […]
perhaps i should just give up. just let it all consume me until death inevitably comes. stop trying. cut everybody off. stop making the effort to get out of bed. maybe…maybe that’s the route i should go. easier way, i guess. no matter which way i go, i’ll just feel like an awful burden to everyone. that’s what i am, i think. maybe im crazy, or delusional, or plain stupid. i dont know anymore. i cant imagine these feelings ever going away. and if certain people are just going to be absent for this long in my life then i just dont see the point.
to […]
I’m so sick of everyone assuming I’m a liar about anything and everything. My mom called me a liar today because I paused before answering her. I told her it makes me upset when she does that but she grew agitated and just said “alright, whatever.” like always. It’s always been like this. When I was younger and would tell her I loved her, 50% of the time she told me she didn’t believe me or I “didn’t act […]
how do i even live with myself? why am i like this…
everything hurts so bad and all i want to do is die, and all i ever do is make life harder for everyone… im disgusted with myself… i feel like im sinking into mud while being stabbed and crushed over and over and over in my mind… it hurts so much i cant keep doing this anymore… i wake up crying… fall asleep crying… quickly breaking apart and dying inside and nobody sees, no one sees… but they shouldn’t see… if anyone ever does i get so deeply ashamed and everything gets worse… everything […]
A dark, mucky, thick sea of thoughts. Just let me sleep and go away. Please.
I think about all the times I probably made things so much worse for him. Mentally. Guilt eats away at me and it’s my own fault. My fault, my fault, per usual.
I contacted some old friends to thank them for everything they’ve done/likely goodbye forever. One of them called knowing something was up. I was sobbing the moment I woke up and it was nice to hear from her and the other friend again. They asked me about god. I don’t know how I feel about it/have issues with the religion […]
Stupid little dumb dumb
Pathetic little idiot
Better off dead to the world due to your rot
Worthless rot worthless rot worthless rot you are nothing but worthless rot
The unlovable mistake, the annoying little brat, the failure at life, the moron who would be better off dead. The selfish brat who still acts like a child because you are stupid and worthless. The shit daughter, the bitchy oldest sibling. The vile to look at little worm. Nothing but a disgusting little worm. Nothing nothing nothing.
You don’t deserve your friend. You don’t deserve any of your family’s support. You don’t deserve you partner, who all you’ve ever done is […]
Good feelings faded for today. I feel like dying. Just dying, dying. At least most of today was a fun day. I’m very tired and sunburnt. My legs hurt to a point I could cry. Worth it, in the end, I guess. But now I’m stuck in the car with grandparents arguing and it’s always bad when these grandparents fight because it always gets loud and scary. It’s like I’m surrounded by the rotten sounds.
I miss him. Despite everything today, and the past 2 weeks, he’s still in my fucking head. The silence. It’s been over a month, close to 2 now. And I cant […]
Lots of little knives in my head, clawing and ripping my brain apart into little chunks of rotten sadness until it is no more. Lots of fists and knives in my heart as it tears itself apart and leaves me broken. But for what must I suffer this punishment? I yet not know. The drain in da brain drained away all my ambitions and dreams. Makes you wonder, hm? I’m left stuck here in a limbo of sorts. No one notices. Nobody notices that the dreams feel more real than the reality, and my disconnection here. No one no one no one.
They left me out […]
I can’t feel my hands as I type this. I can’t breathe. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t do this anymore I can’t I can’t I just can’t. I keep thinking about it. I have to stop thinking about it. But I can’t. What is wrong with me. Why am I like this. Fuck. I can feel it. Doing something impulsive. There’s no one to talk to. No one I can talk to. I’m all alone. I shouldn’t be. I don’t think I can control it. Oh my god I just want to fucking die and I want escape from this horrible life and this […]
im holding on by a little thread and its about to break with no one to catch me
life seems more unappealing as the days go on realizing more and more everyday how much of a burden you are to everyone you love and you only cause inconvenience or pain and make everyone not want to talk to you because you’re nothing but a pile of rot. and then you realize it would be beneficial if you died because your best friend would surely be happier with a different friend and your partner could be happier without your existence and your family doesnt have to live with a disappointment everyday because they know you’re just a worthless loser. so then you sit in […]
I just want to feel something else other than this deep sadness. And alone. I just want to be able to focus on something other than all my thoughts. I wish I had energy to do things. Fun things, not just things I have to get done.
I wish there was something I liked about myself but there’s not. What’s not boring is shit and what’s not shit is just dull. Maybe if I could find something I could […]
I’m just not worth it, am I?
How could I be? This rotten shell of a self, a selfish pathetic and worthless human being. How could you possibly want to talk to me? Or have anything to do with me? Or love me? When I’m clearly nothing but a nuisance.
Is that why you disappear for so long? Do you regret me? I cant say I blame you. Am I doing something wrong? Or did you realize before I did how rotten I am? How could I ever hope, much less expect, that you would continue talking to me all this time? How dare I, really. I’m […]
I regret waking up. I just feel so low. So worthless. So stupid. Partially for the last few posts. Just shows how pathetic of a brat I am. A rotten brat. I should just go back to sleep and never show my face…
I hope my partner texts back soon, at some point… silence kills me. I know its probably all my fault anyway, but I just want to know if they’re alright, if they still even care… but moving on, because thinking of that for too long makes everything worse.
This weekend I’m going with my friend to see her family up at the lakes, a […]
Nobody ever listens to me, god damn it. My mom guilt trips me about not being moved up here with her already, knowing shit has come up, and she still after years and years of compliance and being honest with everything she wants to know, apparently I am some liar that she can’t trust. But she won’t ever fucking say that, she’ll just say over and over and over how much she values honesty and none of her kids better EVER fucking lie to her. Forgetting all the shit she lied about for years.
My dad will bring up shit I *must* get done, […]
I already feel like I’m dying, and it’s just getting worse. I just want to die and get it over with, I’m tired of suffering like this. I can’t even cry, and I want to so fucking bad. This feeling I have physically weighs me down, I get tired and zone out through everything. I just want it to stop. This feeling is so horrible and its bubbling up and breaking me into pieces. I can barely move now. I’m just stuck here. In this hell. God I’m already fucking dying. I don’t even feel like a human. I don’t know what I feel like […]
I can’t do this anymore. I just need to escape this world. Escape this prison of my mind. I’m alone, and I’m selfish and worthless and rotten. I can’t live with myself if no one is there for me. I’m tired. I’m so depressed and in constant pain. I think of walking away and never coming back. Walk away from all responsibilities and the past and myself and just keep walking. No need to come back. No one wants me back anyway. It hurts so much. It’s not gonna matter if I’m alive or not. So what’s the point. If dyings the only way out, […]