I’m not any better. I don’t know what I am anymore, other than exhausted in every way possible. And a pathetic little child. I need to realize I was probably a burden on my parents from what little I can remember, and that I’m no better now, for anyone. I’ve always been a selfish horrible pathetic little brat, havent I? I just couldn’t listen, I just needed to be talked to even though everyone was going through a hard time. All because I felt alone. I don’t know why I dont just end it now. I’m no better now. I keep my mouth shut for […]
I want to go home and sleep. I don’t want to bother with these thoughts anymore. Knowing I’m undeserving of any friends or my partners love/affection. Despite what they say I cant help but wonder if they(partner) would be better off without me around. Like everyone else. But I don’t know. My mind won’t let me think otherwise – I really have nothing to combat those thoughts. I’m just a pathetic little failure.
It’s my bio. dads birthday today. I can’t help but wonder how fucking disappointed he is in me. Not that he’s said anything directly, half the time he barely says anything […]
I’m losing hope for myself and this world. Why is it only constant battles? Constant suffering? What is even the point of me continuing to wake up and live through another day?… I’m really tired of hurting. I’m starting to have a very bitter outlook on people and the world, it doesn’t help anything and I’m just as much scum as anything else…
My mom finally told me some things today, about our family on her side. Her bio. mom has ruined everything with mom’s family out of state, and now all they do is fight and guilt trip and play the blame game. They drag […]
no matter the effort, no matter how hard I try…. it’s all the same. this soul crushing pain and loneliness… and just me existing… it doesnt matter. it would make more sense to just end everything now, instead of wasting years chasing something that probably doesnt exist – peace with oneself, hope of some sort, etc. I’m afraid to look back and see all my failed attempts of living this life than to see all the possible attempts to end it… I keep remembering my mom saying how this didnt matter because I’ve really never tried to kill myself. how bad I supposedly made her […]
Parasite, parasite, parasite
Sucks out your life, must hide from light
Spreads its blight, ends one life and torments their minds
Parasite, parasite, parasite from hell
Spreading its plague from where it once fell
Its mind and soul has become its cell
Parasite, parasite, parasite must die
Tie it to a stake to watch it burn and die
A human parasite must hide from light
Stay away, lest it spreads its blight
Lest it takes your life
Before that happens, it must burn and die
Kill it.
Today was bearable. The cold after a few nice warm days kinda put a dent in my mood, but it’s fine I guess. I really need to shower while I’m like this, before it all goes to shit again and I go weeks without doing so. I’m still able to eat, I actually was able to get something I dont usually get for lunch, and I was able to eat everything for the first time in forever (I tend to get really sick after like 5 bites or something idk why) I ate a little dinner but I was still full from lunch.
Turns out I’m […]
I’m doing my best today… I guess today was fine, just very long. My partner is the best thing to ever happen to me, they’re just so perfect and sweet and idk why they care about me but they do… it helps me keep going at the very least. I’m doing my best, I don’t feel great at all, but I’m trying. I’m sure people I talk (used to talk to) to are sick of that phrase, but it’s true. I guess that’s all one can do other than die.
Why am I still here.
Why did I bother waking up today.
I’m so tired.
I’m trying to better myself, and trying to stay on the upside. It’s not been working too well. I have so many thoughts in my head I cant get out. Theres no point in even trying. The world is going to hell, I’m going to lose everyone I love one way or another and we’re all going to go into the oblivion. I don’t think they love me as I love them. Especially the one. I want the thoughts to stop and the bad dreams to stop..
I’ve not been able to eat right […]
never realized how much that word describes me. i’m remembering bits of my childhood that i don’t even know how i forgot. i had no friends. parents would go days without talking to me. i wanted to run away and get away from it all even when i was young. i don’t belong anywhere. i’m just in the way when i’m with people. especially family.
i guess it’s my own fault, like literally everything else at this point. it’s just difficult to even want to keep going when you’re constantly alone or pushed away or never taken seriously. when you feel like a constant burden of […]
I don’t know what to feel. As soon as I woke up I wish I didn’t. I cried a lot yesterday. Probably just due to my overthinking. I’m being stupid. I feel like I cant talk to anyone about anything right now. I don’t know why I didnt just kill myself yesterday. Or years beforehand for that matter. I don’t want to be here. I’m tired of life. I have to start my day soon, with school and everything. I’m dreading it. I dread having to live, I’m barely surviving.
Everything hurts. It’s a constant ache. I don’t even see the point of seeing the counselor […]
all I do is make everything worse and I deserve to die. I am a vile and horrible creature who’s toxicity ruins everything. my overthinking/overbearing stupid personality is pathetic and needs to be snuffed out. how dare I be alive when I hurt the one I love with my stupidity? they already go through enough. I’m only making it worse, whether they say I do or not. I’m a pathetic coward who isnt willing enough to die so I can stop ruining everything. I am a failure. I am pathetic. I am worthless. I cant keep living like this. I need to die, I know […]
I’m exhausted, physically as well as mentally. I’m trying my best though. I’m glad this week is over, even though it’s only been 3 days (for school). I know theres a lot I could be stressing about that needs to be done in that regard, but I’m ignoring it for now as much as I can. Ignore, distract, overthink, panic, numb, the cycle continues. Oh well. I’ve barely been able to eat because I’ve been so overwhelmed and it makes me sick. I don’t need as much food as I eat anyways, I need better self control. I’d probably look a lot prettier that way.
But […]
I’m so tired of it. I just need it to end. I pray to god – any god – to let it end. It doesn’t. It never does. I’m going to sink in these overwhelming and awful feelings and I’ll never get out. I’ve tried so hard. Just let it stop. All around me is suffering. I’m suffering. I’m tired. Everyone’s tired. Why must it be like this? Maybe I’ll get lucky and none of this was real to begin with. I’ll wake up somewhere safe, peaceful. A place where things are okay, and where I’m okay, and the one I love is okay. But […]
I just realized I’m probably a very annoying person, even when I’m in a good mood. I just can’t seem to shut up…
My stepdad and I were just fucking around as always, but then he said something about how I am and always “give him a headache when he talks”. I know he was joking, I hope he was anyway, but it was just kind of hurtful. And in a roundabout way I said that it was, I basically just said that if he was someone else it would hurt my feelings a lot. He’s not a bad guy at all, we mess around all the time, […]
I’m too overwhelmed with my thoughts and I can’t sleep but I’m so fucking tired. I don’t want to live this life anymore and I really shouldn’t. I’m selfish and try to give myself slack I know I don’t deserve because I’m vile and a fucking failure and disappointment. I don’t deserve love or any kindness and I know that deep down and I know that. I know I should kill myself. I probably make everyone I love want to kill themselves too. I shouldn’t exist. I’m convinced there was some error in making me exist. I’m so awful. I’m this waste of space that […]
I’m still here, after many days and nights of just wanting to end it. I don’t ever try, but the thoughts are so overwhelming. I’m trying to hold on, giving myself things to distract myself from it all: YouTube, music, my art, and now my switch that I got for Christmas. I have 2 games with it, and I’ve almost completed one already. It’s very nostalgic for me and it makes me happy too. It’s a really nice way to escape, like I used to do when I was little all the time. I have music or videos in the background all the time to […]
I feel like shit, but I suppose that’s no surprise. This past week has been absolutely awful, and it just kept getting worse and worse. I’m constantly overwhelmed and stressed out and I’ve been dealing with a lot more suicidal thoughts and ideas and plans, because I just need it to stop. I feel inadequate and like I can never do anything right, I cant help the people I love when I should be able to. I dont deserve any love or affection or attention. Everything is awful. I constantly think of fading away from this existence. Everything hurts and I’m starting to lose it, breaking down […]
I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to do this anymore, and I can’t. God please kill me. I’m miserable and everything hurts. I wanna fucking go home. God forbid I stay home ONE day and get a FUCKING BREAK. I feel like everything all at once is hitting my brain and its collapsing. It never ends. It never ever ends. Neverending pain. Too weak to live and too weak to die. This parasite I’ve become, this hideous thing. Please fucking kill me now.
I’m so tired, I feel like there’s not even a point. I feel empty, and really fucking sad. Today wasnt even that bad. Our church had a xmas play and my sister did well, we had food afterwards. I ate too much. feel shitty for it still, but it is what it is. I feel like I got no break at all when we came home tho because my sister never gave me a break. I wish I had a fucking door to my room. But nobody gives a shit enough to do anything about it. I guess I deserve it somehow or another. Tomorrow […]