lost_annie

i havent been here in a long time.  maybe i shouldnt have left.  maybe i shouldnt come back. i dont know.  all i know, is that the darkness is overwhelming, but its a darkness of my own making.

i dont want to die, i just want to cease to exist.

how do i do that?

Ive had a crappy day ,I don’t know how much longer I can stand this.

my life is over. I screwed up my life and now I have nothing. But I can’t even kill myself yet, I have to wait until my this is all over, otherwise I’m going to screw my eternal life up too.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I’ve tried so freaking hard, and I screwed it all up. I don’t deserve to live, but i can’t kill myself yet.

FML

Im not sure how much longer i can keep doing this.  Im tired of my life and tired of trying.  I feel like i spend so much time and energy not picking up new habits and self destructive behaviors that i dont have any energy or will to stop the ones i have.  My therapist is upset with me because i cant seem to stop the behaviors i have.  Its not that im not trying, i just am trying to not do new things, that i cant help but do the same old things.

I dont have the energy to get up off the couch, let alone kill myself.

I told someone at work yesterday that I was thinking of suicide and she said why do you keep saying that? dont talk like that.  she was the only person i thought i could trust to not freak out.

theres a pack of razors next to me on the couch, i wish i had energy

Someday, when the sky is blue,

and the flowers start to bloom;

When the birds start to fly and sing,

and the clouds don’t hide the sun;

Someday, when the fear has past,

and the tears have gone away;

When the hate and anger start to fade,

In that day I will be safe.

Someday I’ll not have to hide,

or pretend everything is okay;

I’ll not have to fake a smile,

to make it through the day.

Someday, when the sky is blue,

the storms will still come around.

But I’ll have joy and peace and love,

and keep myself safe and sound.

I have so many of the warning signs of suicide it’s not funny.
Severe depression (always there, but worse now),
sudden reckless behavior (I had sex with a complete stranger),
sudden change in appearance (I dyed my hair blue)
inability to sleep
severe anxiety
social isolation
impulsive actions (I just got 65 stitches)
researching suicide on the internet
I feel like a helpless, hopeless burden, I have no reason to live. The only reason I have for not killing myself is that I need to repent from my reckless, impulsive sexual behavior.

If anyone was paying attention they would be very worried….
….but they’re not.

I want to lose weight. 

I want to stop purging.

I want to stop eating.

I want to stop cutting.

I want to stop therapy

I want to be able to talk to people.

I want to avoid all interaction.

I want to never be noticed, ever.

I want to have friends.

I want to stop hiding.

I DON’T want anyone to know.

I want to disappear completely and completely cease to exist.

I don’t know if I want to kill myself.

I WANT TO KILL MYSELF BUT I DON’T WANT TO DIE AND I CAN’T TELL ANYONE CUZ I DON’T WANT TO END UP IN THE HOSPITAL AGAIN

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO

my depression is getting so bad again. i don’t know if my meds are working. I don’t know what to do. The only thought i really have on how to fix it is to kill myself. if im dead, none of my problems will matter anymore. i don’t really want to kill myself, i just don’t want to go on like this. when im off work all i can think of is when can i go back to that stability, but when i’m there i just want to escape and get away.

i just fucking want this to […]

my brother and his wifeand our sister are coming or Christmas, i’m not really looking foreward to it. Three extra people in my little apartment, that’s my safe place, where I go and no one bothers me cuz no one notices i exist. If they are all there, I won’t be able to purge, cut self-injure and I’ll probably have to eat 3 times a day to make it look like I’m “normal”

I don’t know that I can do this. It’s hard enough being depressed and suicidal without having to hide it all the time. I usually can go […]

im such a disgusting fucking whore, no wonder i deserve to die

I freaking hate this place. I’m so tired of living like this.

Then on top of it all, someone from work came up behind me while i was reading posts, now shes prob going to report me. My dr tried to force me into the hospital 6 weeks ago, when I wasn’t even suicidal. Now that I’m having thoughtas again who knows whats going to happen.

I hate myself.

I hate how freaking fat I am, I hate that i have to chose between being skinny and having an eating disorder. I hate what I look like. I hate how freaking shallow all this makes me sound, like no on e else has problems, and i want to kill myself over how big my thighs are? really, what a loser.

But then, I can’t kill myself now, because I don’t want anyone to see how fat I am when I’m naked, I’m disgusting. I hate my life.

Why can’t I just disappear and have it all be gone?

there are some things that I really really hate about myself. I masterbate on occasion, and I hate it. I frickin hate that I do it. It makes me want to kill myself afterwards if i didn’t think id be damned to hell. so instead i cut myself. which i do anyways, and don’t really even need an excuse for.

I am such a fucking worthless whore. im so stupid. I know that it makes me worse i dont know why i even do it.

and please don’t tell me not to worry about it, because […]

I was in a really bad place last night, just freaking out and over whelmed.  i tried to call friends, and nobody answered.  I tried to call the suicide hotline and was on hold too long.  I tried to distract myself and failed.  I ended up cutting a lot.  Now I’m covered with cuts, I probably should have gotten stitches on one of them, but I didn’t.  I can’t wear long sleeves at work, and I work all weekend.  I’m trying so hard to keep people at work from finding out, and maintain a “normal” facade.  I think I’m probably failing on all accounts.  Really […]

The HEART is so important;
the ventricles pump the BLOOD.
The BLOOD is so important;
it carries NUTRIENTS to the body.
The NUTRIENTS are so important;
They feed your MIND AND SOUL.

But…

What if your MIND AND SOUL are lost…
And you don’t know where to find them?
What if the NUTRIENTS were so vile…
You no longer wanted them?
What if the BLOOD can only help you…
After it has been freed from your veins?
What if your HEART was broken…
Would you still […]