gods joke

my problems are burying me so i drown them

even though my mental illnesses are in my face like a clown (kinda hard to miss), im in denial about it. i cant deal with my emotions. if i try they attack me. it feels like theres way too much. my friend’s right….im drowning myself in it.
its Saturday and guess what i am? yep drunk and high. the stupid funny thing is…… we talked about that while i was still sober. i even thought about it then. im going to drink later, maybe i should try and not drink tonight. but nope, i didnt even try. hell […]

i cant help feeling like i might as well.. like theres no point.
i see my problems. im aware of my problems. and i cant handle them.

on the one hand i want to fall to my knees screaming “HELP ME!!!”
on the other i know nothing is going to change. i see how im going to be. how im going to feel even though youre going to say its ok.
i cant do it…. i cant handle it…..

i feel like i should just give up.
just move in and bury it all deep down and try to be ‘normal’. just tell him “you made me so happy all my problems are gone”.

i have so many problems he’s going to know that’s bullsh**.
i hate being different. i hate being me.

i feel worse trying to hide it….. ill just cut more and try to get more weed and booze, maybe idk…. i wont have a job just what he makes….. i cant use his money for that sh*t….but i hate living sober
talking about it just makes me feel bad and regretful though….

i need you. without you my life has no purpose. i have nothing. i have no family, no friends, no home….
i know its something i can never tell you but its true…

why havent i just gotten it over with yet……

I want us to work but I can’t see it…

Everything about me is problem causing. Every second you have to be watching out for me. I thought maybe I’d do some reading on being in a relationship with someone like me but…. Everything I read, even helpful information, makes me feel worse. Borderline sucks, they might as well just call it the “get it over with” disorder.

The highest rates of hospitalization, self harm and suicide. A stigma so bad the world hates us. Constant physical emotional pain.

The amount of work I’d be can’t be worth it. At any second I can crash. Becoming […]

I want to cut. I know I shouldnt. I know I probably should have talked to you earlier but I didn’t want to. I hate talking about this stuff. I hate that everything about me is a thing. I hate that its always going to be. I want to die. I want to give up. I hate it. I hate all of this. It feels pointless. But I push it aside hoping for something better with you. Just maybe a chance my life isn’t complete hell. I know part of that means getting new, healthier coping mechanisms. I’m hopeful spending time with you will be […]

i hate how everything can be all happy and fine then within the blink of an eye, the snap of fingers, SMASH!!!! everything goes downhill, everything goes wrong. within seconds things are getting thrown, hit.

im tried of it….. people say its “fine” that they understand its a condition, but one just cant help feeling horrible and down when it happens. you just want to sweep it under the rug and bury your head in the sand hoping to forget that the mess you created exists, the problem you live with exists, that you exists….

I’d rather lay here, alone, crying, drowning in music…

Just send a message….

But I can’t bring myself to do it

theyre both busy again and honestly, after my last fuck up i dont want to find someone to talk to…
i hate bpd. i hate the chronic boredom, the neediness. every symptom is useless and they all create their own problems

i cant find a song to the point that its aggravating me
its country
its a m-f duet
the male doesnt want the female to leave and the female is like “i should have said i didnt love you sooner”
or something like that, not even close to the right quote.
i feel like it was a 2020 song but im not 100% sure, just basing it off of top lists i found for 2019, 2020, and 2021
ive tried everything i can think of, its like the song doesnt exist

I dont have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to talk to anyone. But I do. The people I typically would talk to are busy. I don’t really feel like talking to them anyway. I just want to disappear at this point.

Everyone thinks I should get out of this place. They’re probably right. My friend and I have been talking about the future. It makes me happy… But… I can’t… I’m sorry I know… I do want that but for so many reasons I can’t.

I’m still eating but I haven’t changed how much I smoke. I’m drinking off weekends again and I’m debating on […]

i had my first christmas with my grandfather in forever. and everyone loved my cooking
but i broke a window, a pencil, hit my elbow against the wall (it was a compromise for using my head)
i had an episode christmas morning…… after saying to myself “dont ruin christmas”. i guess i should be thankful it was before anyone showed up and i managed to sort of control it.
but every episode is a reminder why i shouldnt be alive…. no one should have to live like this and i hate that i need help fixing things afterwards…. (looking at the mess just makes it […]

I’m not wrong

I still don’t quite believe it.

I have bpd and we’re known for remembering the bad memories more…. Maybe it is just me….

But I’ve been sitting here for days with my friends remembering things. What’s in the attached post isn’t even everything

It can’t be true…. Can it?

I’ve been reading through different things on narcissism, i still don’t believe it….

easy is easier 🙁

I’m positive it’s best for everyone if I don’t move anyway…..

I’m just a burden.

I want to undo everything I’ve been working hard to fix. Why not?

I want to cut, drink, huff npr, smoke up, go on the chat. I want to destroy everything

Maybe loosing you is for the best

I love music so I thought I’d make you a playlist.
You’ll probably never see it but thats ok, its not for you

Honestly some of these songs I question if I’m over-reacting.
But then I remember that I truly do want to leave, and that I truly do feel you won’t make that easy for me…..

I want to believe you. I want to believe this isn’t true….. but I wouldn’t spend my time crying alone if it wasn’t

(im probably not done adding to this)

Narcissist – Avery Anna
You’re Exhausting – Beth Crowley
Wolf in Sheeps Clothing – Set It Off
Wanted You Too – Hailey […]

During an argument I wasnt home and texting him.

He repeatly said “come home so we can talk”

I said “no. I don’t feel comfortable talking in person. It takes me out of my comfort zone and gives YOU THE ADVANTAGE”

He still insisted on me coming home and refused to talk until otherwise.

You were informed you’d have an emotional advantage over me and you still refused to talk to me.

No…. This isn’t me…. And I’m done with your bullshit. I’m fucking done reading about gas lighting and trauma bonding and feeling like I fit perfectly….

I’m fucking done with you…

I want to change but I need to self destruct…

I always knew I’d choose my downfall over you. I could try and change but nothing will. I’ll pick the blade/bottle/joint back up. I’m not even sure if I can change my eating. Any food is a bad reminder.

But the biggest one of all… It’s too late. I have so much self hate. I can’t help it.

Self hate has to be the worse. I hate myself for everything and that just pushes me to continue to do it. I don’t want to get up just to fall back down

I know….

I’ll always choose degrading, humiliation and abuse over what’s right and I’ll always drown out my pain the way i please.

Life: what was that about being rejected??

Because the problems i do have apparently isnt problematic enough.
The damn government wants to make the min $26/hr. I cant afford that!! If this goes through i wont even get the chance to open.
Its been the one thing ive held on to. Its the one “big” thing i want out of life. And its gone before i had a chance. I even already have the open sign…

I have my cats, my grandfather and my brothers now. I talk to 1 brother maybe once every few months because of my stupid parents. I barely talk to my grandfather. […]