i had my first christmas with my grandfather in forever. and everyone loved my cooking
but i broke a window, a pencil, hit my elbow against the wall (it was a compromise for using my head)
i had an episode christmas morning…… after saying to myself “dont ruin christmas”. i guess i should be thankful it was before anyone showed up and i managed to sort of control it.
but every episode is a reminder why i shouldnt be alive…. no one should have to live like this and i hate that i need help fixing things afterwards…. (looking at the mess just makes it worse again so if i were to do it alone it would probably take me several hours to get to)
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Irony, I also broke a window last night, less than an hour before we went over to see family… so I took all my anti anxiety and as a result ate more than usual, then passed out for 14 hours after I got home.
and now I’m sipping whiskey. I never got the “ruin Christmas” thing, it’s an ordeal, every year, I think it’s supposed to be fun if you have children, for me as a middle aged adult it’s just a time of year that all the older adults in my life expect me to cook for them… I’m indifferent this year about cooking, we cooked one less dish this year and no one minded at all, which makes me wonder if we could do one more less and not have to bring anything at all.
it’s alright. you didn’t ruin Christmas. everyone’s got problems, and everyone deserves a little slack for them. you do too. don’t beat yourself up, it’s the illness, not you.