thedrowninggirl

It was an accident. A headache, a load of illicit painkillers, I was still sick with rage at getting fired so treating myself far more roughly than usual, I knocked back a few pills a bit like I’d yank on a hank of my hair in frustration, a sort of ‘get your shit together’ and then a couple more. I truly, truly had no idea that would happen. I’ve taken more pills than that in one go just to get to sleep.

I don’t want to write or think about exactly what followed. I want to scrub the next four months completely from my life but […]

Again? Again? I have to do this all again for God knows how long? Again again agaiin again again, the shittiness of knowing Im contributing nothing, she knows I am,  im just shit and oh god now i have to  pay tbose publishing places out of my bloody universal credit so…. Great. I shouls kill myself. I know thst. People in better places than me right now have. God knows ive got enough pills, or maybr even – stop. I HATE SARBJIT. Does she fucking for one second know what shes done? I wonder if she’d like to knowmy gf chucked me and told me […]

I’m going to be 36 in a few days. Maybe I should jam a fucking knife in my chest for a fucking gift.
Useless useless useless I’ve got no job haven’t had one for a year and a half almost and the girl I loved SO MUCH the girl I thought loved ME OH you should hear how she speaks to me, like I’m a moron like cause I don’t have a job automatically I lost all the gifts I had that were a part of me and made me worthwhile I’m scared to work again but I’m scared of staying this way, what does […]

Hello x

I wonder if you’ll ever see this. I wonder if you’ll ever know exactly what you did or I did. I wish I could tell you how I feel but it changes day to day and please God tomorrow will be different because today I want to die. I hope I am only a corpse tomorrow morning. I think about death so much its too strange to think any of this is real. Me, who loved life and living and had all these things she wanted us to do.

She’s dead  now, as dead as that girl at the x I thought was who you […]

…. And after I survived the 16 year eating disorder
…… And after the heartbreak that brought me here in the first place
….. And after I pulled a life together, a good life, a wonderful one
…… And after I let him do it all to me again in 2016, but rallied faster and better than I had imagined possible
…. And after knowing I could survive him I kept just making my life better, doing that ‘living every day to the fullest’ thing like I always wanted to, but for real
…. And after thinking, ‘having someone to share all this with would […]