(TW mentions cutting)
I’m scared. I can’t shake this misery. I don’t know how to.
I’m so afraid of death but so afraid of carrying on with my life- is it just going to be like this from now on? Hurt piled upon hurt upon hurt and the remedy all in other people’s hands?
I don’t know how other people live. How do they know who they are? The only identity I have is my achievements and when I’m prevented from achieving (by rejection, by being overlooked, by not being WHAT PEOPLE WANT) my drive to live just runs out immediately.
This morning I cried and shrieked and hated everyone and myself and prayed and prayed for something to give me hope, some sort of comfort, something to change. It’s so scary to scream at the top of your lungs knowing nobody can hear and there’s no power behind it, it’s the scream of someone who is utterly unable to affect their own life.
Now I’m worn out and I’m just…here, existing, watching the time pass.
I know this. I’ve been here before. There’s always something I fixate on and it becomes the only thing that can save me from exactly this, this horrified endless stare into the pathetic thing that is my life. But I’m sure the agony was never as astonishing as this- it’s like everything is lost to me now. I’ve been cheated out of it and I don’t know how, I don’t know WHY. I just want it to stop.
I’ve tried to tell myself all the things you’re supposed to- that everything happens for a reason, that in five years none of this will matter. I believe both those things but somehow it’s irrelevant that I do- I’m lost in this moment and the fear that it’s not a moment, that this is how it really is from now on. I’m nothing- I’m a waste of a body- I’m forgotten- I’m overlooked- I’m shut out- I’m hated. I can’t escape that.
I looked at my arm, so scarred and white, but strong. I saw myself slicing it right open and I felt such longing, but just as equally I felt my mind rejecting the idea. No, then. Not just for the people I want to protect (and who I’m so sorry, so very very sorry, I can’t make reason enough to not have these thoughts) but for the ‘me’ bobbing around somewhere in the obsessiveness and unhappiness.
I am so afraid. if this is forever then there is no reason to live. Living can’t be anything. It would be a relief to die. But I can’t die. Why am I so afraid to die if I really am the empty nothing being I feel like?
Because I’m capable of SO MUCH joy. THAT is what hurts. I’ve felt it. And yet I can’t summon that joy for myself- I have to ACHIEVE it. And I’m being blocked from doing that. they aren’t just depriving me of opportunity- that would be painful enough in itself- but they are cutting me off from that happiness, the happiness that transforms me into a real person.
God save me. God save me. God save me. Let me have my hope back.