Author

thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

They/them.

The end of the world (or at least that’s where i am)

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 4/5/2017

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

My sister’s friend is planning on killing herself. It could be happening right now for all I know, and I need to get this out.

I haven’t posted on here in a long time, because I’m okay, but this is not okay. My sister has finally fallen asleep after stressing about this all day, but I can’t sleep.

I talked this person out of suicide once before, years ago, but everyone seems to have accepted that this is a thing that is happening right now. And it’s not like there’s anything I can do about it.

Right now in this room, it feels as though the world has […]

4/5/2017 2 comments

Update

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 3/1/2016

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

Hi SP,
It’s been a while since I posted here, but I just wanted to let you know how I’ve been doing.
You may remember a post that I put up in October called ‘About a Girl’?
Well, it turns out that this girl I’ve liked since September likes me back, and it’s one of the best feelings ever.
We’ve been on a date, and we have another one planned for this weekend. So yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.
It’s just nice to know that someone sees me as a nice person, especially when I can’t see it myself, and it’s been really nice […]

3/1/2016 1 comment

The New Year

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 12/31/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

Hey SP,
It’s currently 3:00am on the 1st of January 2016 as I write this, and I don’t know how to feel.
I’m kind of glad that I’ve made it another year. This means that I’m another year closer to leaving home (only a year and 8 months to go now) which I’ve been waiting for since I was 13 years old. I’ve also started looking at university options and jobs so that I can save up enough money by the time I get to university to live fairly decently. Or the money will be used if I end up leaving home before then. Either […]

12/31/2015 1 comment

Coming Out

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 11/23/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

My mother just tried to force me to come out. And now I feel like shit.
I was talking to her about the possibility of me running the LGBTQ+ society at my college next year and she jumped down my throat, saying that I thought she was a terrible person, and that’s why I wouldn’t tell her. She says that I’m breaking the bond between us by keeping this from her and I’m deeply upsetting her by not talking about it.
You know what the most important part in all of that was?
HER
She didn’t care about what it was doing to me, being […]

11/23/2015 7 comments

Alive

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 11/18/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

Despite nearly trying to end my own life again last week (without even posting on here, I might add, my head was a little too swimmy to form sentences) I feel strangely alive today.
Maybe it’s just because I finally mustered up the willpower to wash my hair for the first time in two weeks, because I am a disgusting human being. I just found it difficult to do much, so I didn’t wash my hair. But I did it today, and I feel strangely good. More like a person now, rather than something that lay there doing nothing.
Maybe it’s just because I’m not […]

11/18/2015 5 comments

11:11

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 11/3/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

The time I started writing this. You’re supposed to make a wish at 11:11. In some ways, I’m selfish. I wish for a lot of things when this time comes round. And so far, I don’t think any of them have come true.
I still don’t feel comfortable in this fucking body. My gender makes no fucking sense. Dysphoria is a *****, and with fluid gender it fucking suck, because my body and gender never quite match.
It’s stuck in my head that everyone hates me. No-one bothers with me anymore, I’m just that fucked up kid that people put up with because I’m friends […]

11/3/2015 2 comments

About a Girl

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 10/27/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

If I was brave enough, I would say this all to your face, but I’m a little bit cowardly. Instead, I’ll write this here, where you’ll never read it.
Don’t let your anxieties get you down, okay? You’re far too wonderful to be burdened with this much shit. I know you want to help people, but you need to put yourself first sometimes.
I’ve only known you two months, but you’ve made such a huge impact on my life. You’re such a kind person, one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I love spending time with you every day, and if I don’t see […]

10/27/2015 4 comments

It’s been a while…

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 10/14/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

I don’t know how long it’s been since I posted something here, but it’s been some time…
I should probably start with ‘hi’. I felt the need to write something today. Not for any particular reason, I just want to write something.
Things are… Let’s go with okay. It’s been a lot of ups and downs recently. Let’s start with the ups:
I’ve moved on to a new area of education, left some friends behind, and made a few new ones. It’s all for the better, these new friends seem to be better people.
I ahould be starting counselling soon, which is good, because […]

10/14/2015 7 comments

Fuck-up

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 8/21/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

That’s me. A giant fuck-up. A huge mistake. A waste of space. Nothing important.
That’s how I feel today.
I accidentally came out to my mum today. She asked a rather leading question, which resulted in me accidentally telling her. She didn’t say anything back, and continues to treat me as normal. I wish she had said something, because I have all these thoughts of what she could have said or thought, and I feel like these thoughts are slowly destroying me.
I wasn’t ready to tell her, and I feel like I have been forced to come out, and it’s really upsetting. I feel […]

8/21/2015 1 comment

Killswitchon

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 8/17/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

Just wondering whether anyone knows where killswitchon is? It’s just that he hasn’t posted in a while, and I can’t find any of his old posts. I just miss his presence here, his videos gave me a bit of hope. And I just wanted to make sure that he’s okay.

8/17/2015 9 comments

Sick of this

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 8/13/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

I’m sick of feeling sad all the fucking time. I’m sick and bloody tired. There are some days where I think ‘how could I have possibly felt that sad?’ but then it all comes rushing back.
I don’t have the right to be sad. My life is a breeze compared to other people’s lives. And it makes me feel like my problems are inferior, which in some ways they are.
I got my English Literature AS result today, and I got a B. And I’m not happy with it. I should be, considering I’ve taken it a year early, and that’s like an A at […]

8/13/2015 0 comment

Gender (again)

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 7/29/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

My gender kind of really gets me down, which causes me to freak out and cut, to feel a little bit better. And I feel like I don’t want to live if I don’t know who I am, and I can’t live like this much longer.
I identify as genderfluid or genderflux, but use she/her pronouns in everyday life (mainly because no-one knows). I hate the fact that I don’t feel I can be open about my gender, because of my family. They’d be okay with it, but I just wouldn’t want them to treat me differently.
I don’t know whether I want to start […]

7/29/2015 4 comments

Feelings

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 7/29/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

It’s really hard to describe my feelings at the moment, and I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on anymore.
Things have been a little better recently, I guess. I’m mainly just tired, which my mum keeps nagging me about, because I shouldn’t be this tired, apparently. Maybe I should just tell her that ‘tired’ means ‘sad’.
My best friend has gone on holiday for three weeks and it feels like she’s been gone too long already, when she left two days ago. She’s the only one that talks to me, so I feel pretty much alone.
I have a shit load of summer […]

7/29/2015 0 comment

Things I’d like to say

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 7/26/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

But I simply don’t have the guts to say it to your faces.

To my best friend,
I had a crush on you for the past three years, and never told you, mainly because I thought it would ruin our friendship. Although you didn’t know it, you made things quite difficult for me over those three years, because I felt like I was wrong for liking you. But I’m over it now, and I’m a lot happier for it. But you also make me feel like shit about myself, with your ‘oh look, I ran really far today!’ and your ‘look at me, I can eat […]

7/26/2015 4 comments

Therapy

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 7/21/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

So, I was thinking about telling my mum that I want to start going to therapy. But I have no clue whether seeing a therapist would help me at all.
I feel I have quite a few issues, and I’d like to talk to someone who knows what they’re doing, and maybe get a possible diagnosis for something, so I know I’m not crazy.
I’d like to be able to discuss the fact that I’m not happy with the way I look and feel, and how this has an effect on everyday things. Most days, I don’t want to go outside because people will see […]

7/21/2015 10 comments

Choosing names (and other shit)

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 7/16/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

Hi again, it’s me.
Things have been pretty rough over the last few days.
So, I’m genderflux (for those of you who don’t know what that means, my gender fluctuates). So some days I’ll feel really strongly gendered or attracted to a gender (eg. female, as I was assigned female at birth), some days I’ll feel quite weakly gendered, and some days I won’t feel any gender at all.
But I started wondering whether this was the right term to use to describe myself. Some days, I’ll feel a bit like a girl, and I’ll want to wear skirts, and other days, I’ll want to […]

7/16/2015 13 comments

Anger

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 7/12/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

I guess I’m just angry about the fact that I feel like no-one cares about me. The people that I feel are my friends make me feel worthless. Even my best friend, who is the nicest person in the world, makes me feel like shit sometimes.
My mum is really strict, so I’m not allowed Facebook, or any kind of social media at all, so I find it hard to keep in contact with my friends. And none of them bother to keep in contact with me.
Before my best friend got Facebook, my other friends would still try and talk to me, to let […]

7/12/2015 3 comments

Hello All

by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden 7/12/2015

written by thegirlwiththecinderblockgarden

So, my name is Megan, and this is my first post here.
I’m sixteen and have been self harming on and off for the past three years, and I tried to kill myself three years ago. My best friend and my sister’s friend are the only people that know about my suicide attempt.
When I was thirteen, I self harmed for the first time. I remember it quite distinctly, because it was the start of a long, dark road. It was barely a scratch the first time. I used a pair of compasses that I found in my school bag, and I cried immediately after […]

7/12/2015 2 comments