Sick of this

I’m sick of feeling sad all the fucking time. I’m sick and bloody tired. There are some days where I think ‘how could I have possibly felt that sad?’ but then it all comes rushing back.
I don’t have the right to be sad. My life is a breeze compared to other people’s lives. And it makes me feel like my problems are inferior, which in some ways they are.
I got my English Literature AS result today, and I got a B. And I’m not happy with it. I should be, considering I’ve taken it a year early, and that’s like an A at GCSE. But I still feel like a fucking failure, because other people will have done better. I feel so stupid just because I won’t have done as well as someone else. And I’m sick of feeling stupid. My friends are clever, so even if I do well, they’ve always done better and it just gets me down.
My family are constantly arguing as well. No-one seems to get on with each other. My sister talks about running away an awful lot.
The urge to cut is getting stronger everyday. I don’t know how long I’ve been clean for, but it’s been a while, and I don’t want to fuck it up, but I probably will.
I shouldn’t be sad at all. The girl who I’ve liked on and off for the past few years asked me on a date. And I’m happy about that. But I should be happier. And I’m worried what will happen if it all goes well and we decide to date. I don’t want to fuck her up anymore. We’re both suicidal, self-harmers and have issues with our weight. And in a way, we enable each other. And I’m worried about what that might mean. If we date, will we just destroy each other? Or should I just be selfish, and go for it, because I really like her?
I don’t fucking know.
I’m done for today.
-M