Feel your hands on the rock
Roll the rock up the hill
What did you do to deserve this hell?
When you get to the top
Watch it roll down again
I’m so full of poison. I hate everybody. Everything. Myself. Fuck reality for being like this. Fuck me for feeling like this. I just want it to stop. I want to sleep, and wake up in a world that isn’t this one, where I am not this person. Or failing that, I want to burn the whole thing down.
Imagine a life without human relationships. No partners. No children. No close friends. No feeling of connection.
What is left?
What else can give a sense of meaning to the suffering we all face as part of life? If for some reason connections with others are ruled out, what is left in this vast, empty world that can hold any enduring significance?
I’m a mess of conflicting emotions. Maybe everybody is. But it seems like most people manage to maintain a degree of balance.
I want so many different, irreconcilable things. Many of them are flat out logically incoherent (even if I could time travel.) Some are just wildly improbable. And of those that are possible, my preference swings back and forth on an hourly basis. Any steps I take towards one goal will likely be undone the next day in pursuit of another. I don’t just want to have my cake and eat it too. I want the whole frickin’ cake shop, and all possible cakes yet to […]
So…my thought for the day is that I will probably never be happy. I don’t I have it in me. You don’t get to live how I’ve lived and be happy. There is no peace for me here.
Despite that, for the time being, I think I still want to live. I still want to pursue my goals, however out of reach they seem, even knowing that gaining them will bring nothing but momentary satisfaction before the gnawing discontent returns.
The main obstacles to this settlement are sleep and work.
On my days off I can usually cope with my overwhelming anxiety/existential dread by focusing on other things. I […]
So I tend to assume that the problem is me. With the destructive ways of thinking and habits that I cling to. Or with my defective body. With my distorted, twisted personality. I look at the people around me, and think ‘They look happy. I should be like them.’
If I could only be like everyone else, and feel a sense of meaningful connection with others, then my life would be worth living. It gives me something to aspire to. Got to find a way to fix myself, and then everything will be ok. Or, if that’s not possible, got to keep a lid on my […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUg9nHU9LBk
Take heart, my little friend
And push back your seat
Soon we’ll be far away
Far from the street
Where you learned how to be
Not what you are
Up on the shoulder
There is a town
With a little motel
And an old movie house
We’ll go to a movie
Whatever it is
Watching the movie
The world’s gonna end
And there ain’t no place for
A boy and his friend
To go
I’ll pick some daisies
From the flower bed
Of the galaxy theater
While you clear your head
I thought some daisies
Might cheer you up
I’m a really shitty person. I don’t feel like I’m salvagable at this point. There isn’t a future version of me that should be able to be happy. Some people really should just die, and I feel like I’m one of them.
I don’t want to die. But it feels right, to a part of me. By continuing to live, I’m resisting the recognition of who I really am, and what should happen to me. I’m making the world worse, just by continuing to be in it.
The thought of a world without me in it is appealing, even though I wouldn’t be around to enjoy it. […]
Interpret this according to your current mood. I think it fits quite well whether you’re ready to give up or want to fight on. I believe the speech is from the film ‘Network’.
I feel incredibly alone. I have no meaningful connections in my life. No one who knows who I really am. Because who I am is not ok. And I don’t know how to change it so that it would be ok. How to change what goes through my mind. And so I have to hide myself. Even from myself most of the time.
I want so desperately not to be this anymore. To be free of it. To be free of myself. But then there would be no me to be free. Is an end to all experience preferrable to this hole inside me? I guess […]
The way I perceive reality is troubling. I don’t know if it’s that I have an unrealistically bleak outlook, or that I’m too emotionally weak to accept the truth. But it’s hard to get my head around.
It seems to me that humans are evolved to seek advantage in whatever way we can. We find our place within the social structure, and then develop ways of pursuing power and status. These ways can be hugely diverse and obscure, but what links them all is some demonstration of fitness. Maybe we cultivate our appearance. Our sense of humour. Athletic prowess. Our knowledge. Or our artistic talent. Our […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Qxm9Ggwyxw
”So many dreams, so many lifetimes
Any of which could be me
Except that I’m the one unable
To move upon this machine”
I don’t know how to resolve the conflict within myself. I’ve been trying for so long to figure out a compromise between the different elements of my mind. But there isn’t one. And I don’t think I can let go of either of them.
One is entirely superficial. All it wants is instant, unrestricted gratification. It doesn’t care about consequences, or the limitations of reality. It will accept no denial. Giving in to it brings temporary elation, but once satisfied it fades into the background, leaving only nagging discontent. Denying it removes any feelings of satisfaction in anything, leaving only despair.
The other is appalled by the […]
Presuming, as I do, that my hopes for conventional happiness are completely fucked…….what now?
Suppose I’d live an average western lifespan – another 50 years or so. 2065. By then the world should be well on it’s way to collapse. Drought, famine, fire, flood, war, all that fun stuff. Seemingly our little pockets of prosperity will be last to fall. My corner of the world may hold out longest, sinking the boats of refugees fleeing continental chaos, while we continue to extract foreign resources at gunpoint. So this bubble of decadence may well outlive me.
But I doubt it’ll be the same country then. We’re already slashing […]
It’s starting to dawn on me that I’m not really capable of the whole ‘human interaction’ thing. Even online.
I just can’t seem to ever talk naturally, without being incredibly self-conscious. Everything I say feels fake and contrived, even when I’m trying to be genuine. It’s like I’m not really human – just some kind of defective robot trying to copy behavior but getting it wrong.
I just need to stop being me. Stop thinking these defective thoughts. Be normal. Do normal things. Not constantly question everything. Stupid brain. Thinking dumb thoughts. You go shhh now.
The problem is me. Everything about the way I think. But how […]
Right now all I want is to be held, and told that I’m ok. I’m not ok. It doesn’t feel like I ever will be. Maybe at some distant point down the road, I’ll find that I’ve somehow become worthy of love, and worthy of life. But right now I am alone. I see no way through. Why go on, when you don’t really believe the destination exists? Because the hope of it is all you have left.
Can’t take feeling this anymore. Unacceptable. Gotta change something. Do something.
So, what’s holding me back from living a worthwhile life?
Well, superficially, there’s all the minor health issues. Just enough to make me uncomfortable most of the time, without actually being severe enough to deserve medical attention (not that most of them are curable anyway.) Either my skin problems are flaring up. Or my stomach problems. Or my allergies. Or my insomnia. Or my back problems. The combination means I never feel well.
On top of that, there’s all the little embarrassing physical inadequacies (both real and perceived.) Because I need more reasons to feel inferior.
But let’s put […]
I’m sure I’ve written many variations of this here before, but what the hell.
I’m a failure, as a human being. By pretty much any standard you can think of. That’s not going to change. There’s no future version of me that doesn’t feel alone, anxious and exhausted all the time. That can be happy and relaxed around others.
I can’t change the past. I can’t control the way I feel. I can’t really change the world we live in. These things are not mine to decide.
And yet here I am, still alive. For the foreseeable future. So, what do I want to do with this undeserved […]