Author

thehusk

What do you do, with the pain – the despair. When you come to believe that it’s not just a passing phase, or something for you to overcome. When it’s been 8 long years rather than 6 months. When your hope is gone, and you can’t think of anything else to try. When you come to accept that this is who you are, and likely always will be. When doing even basic things is a struggle, because nothing seems worthwhile, and your brain won’t focus on anything.

When you won’t end it, because you can’t do that to your parents – who sacrificed so much, and […]

10/27/2015 2 comments

The Fear

by thehusk 10/26/2015

written by thehusk

My life is defined by fear. It is always there, at the back of my mind. It’s hard to live with. A part of you always telling you that something is terribly wrong, and you need to drop everything, this instant, to resolve the threat.

What am I so afraid of? There’s all the normal stuff, of course. Death, aging, disease, violence. But beyond that, I’m afraid that I can never experience a meaningful relationship, or really connect with anyone. That my life will always be this empty lie, trying to hide how worthless I am from those around me. Never facing the world honestly, or […]

10/26/2015 7 comments

Mistakes Were Made

by thehusk 10/21/2015

written by thehusk

Mistakes. Lots of them. Year after year, I’ve made progressively shittier choices. I’ve spent the majority of my life acting and thinking in really dumb ways. I allowed myself to become fixated on what was beyond my reach, rather than appreciating the actual possibilities right in front of me. I was so consumed by what I wasn’t that I wasted what I could have been.

Of course, there were reasons for all of it. I didn’t understand then what I know now. If circumstances had been even slightly different, it all might have turned out another way. I might have lived a worthwhile life.

The choices, the […]

10/21/2015 2 comments

How Do You Go On?

by thehusk 10/6/2015

written by thehusk

I’m trying to accept that I’ll never have a conventionally meaningful life (see previous posts for why.) I may feel this completely alone for the rest of my time in this world, even if I’m with someone. I will never be acceptable to others as I truly am, or part of any community. No one will ever really know me.

Ending my life still seems wrong though. While it would stop my suffering, it would inflict similar pain on my parents, who certainly don’t deserve it. Ruining 2 lives (3 including my sister) to end my own brokenness doesn’t make sense.

The question then becomes how to get through the next 30 […]

10/6/2015 11 comments

Imagine You’re The Villain

by thehusk 10/4/2015

written by thehusk

I think most people like to think themselves essentially good. They’ve made mistakes. Maybe seriously hurt others along the way. But deep down inside, they mean well.

Suppose you come to realize that what really motivates you is rotten – that it comes from a place of hatred, resentment, fear and selfishness. And as a result you do awful, unforgivable things. Acts that mean others would no longer see you as human, if they knew. What then?

I’m fairly sure that most would feel compelled to end their lives, if they found themselves acting as I have. But then most would never do such things in the first place. When you […]

10/4/2015 8 comments

Don’t wanna go back to work.

by thehusk 9/27/2015

written by thehusk

I’m coming to the end of 18 days off. I don’t want to go back. I hate it so much. It’s a constant reminder of how isolated I am. I feel so anxious while I’m there. I can barely function, and people treat me like I’m stupid as a result. And it doesn’t even pay enough to build any kind of life.

But I can’t think of a real alternative. I just want it to stop. I can’t bear the thought of another year wasted there, miserable.

9/27/2015 2 comments

For someone who spends most of his time thinking, I’m pretty damn shallow.

by thehusk 9/26/2015

written by thehusk

Since I was 12 or 13 (over half my life ago), my mind has been consumed to an ever increasing extent by longing. By lust. Though I like to tell myself it’s love – that it’s somehow special.

Behind all my other thoughts is the constant desire to be with whoever I’m most attracted to at the time. Not to be in a real relationship, but to be with the idealised version of them that I’ve created in my head.

This is obviously pretty destructive, since it identifies meaning and happiness with a virtually impossible ideal. But I don’t feel like I can let it go. Something […]

9/26/2015 2 comments

I’m a Loser, Baby (so why don’t you kill me?)

by thehusk 9/22/2015

written by thehusk

It’s safe to say I’ve fucked up my life pretty thoroughly. To the point where it feels like there’s no way back. This is who I am. It’s not some temporary blip. It’s a consistent reflection of my thoughts and feelings.

I’m so far outside normal human life that it’s scary. I turned 28 last week, but a large part of my thinking and behaviour is still trapped in childhood. And I can’t see any way to catch up now. I can fake a degree of social confidence for a while, but it’s easy to see through. I haven’t developed any of the skills that most […]

9/22/2015 5 comments

The Whiny Toddler vs. The Bitter Old Man

by thehusk 9/20/2015

written by thehusk

This is my current muddled understanding of my situation.

A part of my brain (we’ll call it the emotional part) constantly tells me that something is wrong. I am not what I should be. I do not relate well socially. I do not have social status. I do not have real friends. I do not have a mate. I do not have children. I do not anticipate this changing. This is a problem, apparently.

Why is this a problem? The only reasons I can give are evolutionary – that my brain is a product of a process that elevates those who can maintain good social standing, relate […]

9/20/2015 3 comments

When Is Suicide The Rational Choice?

by thehusk 9/6/2015

written by thehusk

I think most people have some idea of a ‘worthwhile life’. Maybe it involves being in love. Raising a family. Or close friends. Fulfilling work. Expressing yourself creatively. Or just enjoying yourself – sex, drugs, rock & roll (or whatever else floats your boat.)

But for some of us, those meaningful things seem out of reach, or we’re prevented from enjoying them by obstacles. Perhaps we believe ourselves incapable (or undeserving) of love or friendship. Unable to connect with others. Or we’re crippled by extreme social anxiety, and unable to function. Weighed down by feelings of loss or loneliness. Maybe we suffer from chronic pain and […]

9/6/2015 12 comments

My Weekly Whine

by thehusk 8/28/2015

written by thehusk

Round and round it goes in my head. Can’t kill myself. Can’t do that to my family. I owe them everything, and it would destroy them.

But can’t go on living with this overwhelming sadness. Can’t keep going through the motions. Can’t keep pretending I have a life. Can’t stand this longing anymore. Can’t go on being alone, but can never feel any real connection with anyone. Can’t keep hating myself, but can’t be anything better, no mattter how hard I try. Can’t keep fighting a battle I’m never going to win. Can’t bear to be the one who everyone pities anymore, a worthless loser. Can’t […]

8/28/2015 3 comments

What’s the worst that could happen?

by thehusk 8/6/2015

written by thehusk

Most of my life is dominated by fear. So why not lay it out. What’s the worst thing that I can imagine?

I suppose it’s experiencing neverending pain, torment, horror, terror etc. That’s what ideas of hell tend to invoke. It’s hard to imagine feeling that kind of extreme negative emotion non-stop, for all eternity. Surely you’d become numb to any kind of torture, given enough time. But I can’t dismiss it entirely. The idea of hell has a deep grip on a part of my psyche. Because it feels I deserve that kind of punishment. I can’t really square that with my rational side. I […]

8/6/2015 4 comments

Insomnia

by thehusk 7/31/2015

written by thehusk

I can’t get no sleep

Ok, so that’s an exaggeration. Even on the worst nights, I usually manage 1-2 hours. What I mean to say is that I can’t get enough sleep to function properly. During my work week, I spend most of the time wandering around in a haze, zombified, narrowly avoiding bumping into people, longing for the day to end. But then the night finally comes, and I just can’t get to sleep at a reasonable hour, no matter how tired I am.

I feel like I’ve tried all the standard advice. Sticking to routines, exercise, limiting technology use, changing my diet, meditation, yoga, warm […]

7/31/2015 11 comments

Hurts

by thehusk 7/22/2015

written by thehusk

Round and round it all goes in my head. I don’t think I can live a meaningful life. And that hurts. So I think I want to end it. But that would destroy my family, and I can’t do that to them. So I’m left with this pain. Which just feels……unbearable. And I can’t think of anything that will make it stop. I would cry, but it doesn’t help.

So, this pain, for the rest of my life. It seems to get worse as I get older, and further away from a time when I had hope.

I guess the only question is how I want to […]

7/22/2015 1 comment

Even in my dreams I’m pretending.

by thehusk 7/9/2015

written by thehusk

I don’t sleep much. But when I do, I dream a lot.

I just woke from a dream in which I met an old friend, after years apart. On the one hand it was pleasant, because it meant being with people again, and life, and enthusiasm. But it was also painful, because the way I related to everyone was just like in real life. I hid my true self. I could feel myself being deceptive about what I really felt, believed, who I really was. Even with caring, sympathetic, intelligent people, predisposed to viewing me positively, I have to pretend.

It’s the same with everyone I meet. […]

7/9/2015 16 comments

It Hurts

by thehusk 7/1/2015

written by thehusk

I think I may have cancer. I found what could be a lump. Of course it could be lots of others things. Or nothing at all. The rational thing would be to get it checked out. But a part of me thinks ‘If it is cancer, then that’s for the best. Let it spread.’ It would be a way out. I wouldn’t have to commit suicide. I wouldn’t have to do that to my parents. They wouldn’t be left with all the anger, confusion, and bitterness that suicide brings. There’d still be grief, but they could find closure and move on. I could talk to […]

7/1/2015 8 comments

Trapped Between

by thehusk 5/10/2015

written by thehusk

So I end my life, and it crushes my family (parents & sister). I don’t want to do that. I don’t think I can do that. I love them, despite all the ways I’ve wronged them.

On the other hand, I stick around, and it’s just painful. I don’t think I can ever form any real connection with anyone, or enjoy their company. There’s large parts of me that are just plain evil, that are unacceptable. I can’t let anyone see who I really am. I’m utterly alone, even when I’m not. My day to day existence is meaningless. I hate being around people, because I […]

5/10/2015 1 comment

Fear

by thehusk 4/29/2015

written by thehusk

My life is defined by fear. What am I afraid of? That I will never feel happy, peaceful, or content. That I will never experience love, or form any kind of real connection with another person. That I will never see this world, or my life, as truly meaningful.

Why do I fear these things? Experience. It’s been so many years since I felt ok with reality. Since I got a good nights sleep. Since I had a good day. I can’t imagine anything that would make this life seem ok. I can’t imagine anyone ever being able to accept me as I truly am (pathetic, […]

4/29/2015 1 comment

What am I living for?

by thehusk 4/21/2015

written by thehusk

I don’t think I will ever be happy. A meaningful life is not within my grasp. There is no version of me from this point that can get there. No version that can be content with how things are, or feel at peace.

I still have hope, but it’s irrational hope. It’s constantly smacking it’s head against the logical reality of who I am, and how I’ve lived, and it’s painful. It would be better for me to let it go. But if I do that, what else is left?

So what am I doing here? I’m suffering. Either I’m stressed out from work, or exhausted, or […]

4/21/2015 6 comments

by thehusk 3/11/2015

written by thehusk

I don’t care about anything anymore. There is no passion left in me. No hope. I used to love reading. I would rapidly devour books. Now I slowly pick through them. I would avidly consume films. Now I get bored and turn off. It all seems hollow.

The world holds no real interest for me. No intrigue. It is empty. Things just …are. There is no purpose to it. No fairness. No intrinsic meaning. Just stars, planets, animals, people, doing what they do. It’s sometimes beautiful, sometimes hideous, but ultimately……empty.

Our civilization is slowly but surely destroying itself, and I don’t even care. We’re on course to […]

3/11/2015 1 comment

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