I don’t sleep much. But when I do, I dream a lot.
I just woke from a dream in which I met an old friend, after years apart. On the one hand it was pleasant, because it meant being with people again, and life, and enthusiasm. But it was also painful, because the way I related to everyone was just like in real life. I hid my true self. I could feel myself being deceptive about what I really felt, believed, who I really was. Even with caring, sympathetic, intelligent people, predisposed to viewing me positively, I have to pretend.
It’s the same with everyone I meet. And I realise, I’m not trying to be human anymore. I’m just pretending. There’s this constant calculation going on, to seem genuine. I go through life acting out the part of decency, kindness, caring, empathy. Because the reality is so unacceptable, to anyone decent. Underneath the surface I’m utterly selfish, totally unconcerned with who I hurt, abusive, twisted & hateful. But I shove that truth so far down that most of the time, I can almost convince myself that I’m really just this gentle, caring guy, and that everything I’ve done was someone else.
I suppose the human thing to do would be confess everything, and accept the consequences. To tell the truth to everyone I meet. But I don’t think that would allow me any greater connection. The truth is, no community could or should accept me. Even tolerant, liberal, open-minded and accepting people should shun me. I do not deserve to live. I should not be part of society.
So I continue on in this sad little half-life, longing for a connection that isn’t possible.
16 comments
I can relate to what you’re saying. Even in my dreams I am the same person, so it’s good that I rarely have any dreams, because it’s not an escape from reality.
I think most people put on an act because they fear no one will accept who they truly are. Everyone always says “be yourself,” but I doubt everyone truly shows who they really are. Society is so quick to shun people who live double lives but what everyone doesn’t realize is we all live a life with ourselves and a life with everyone else. I feel keeping secrets is a part of living. I don’t feel you don’t deserve to live because of these reasons. I suppose Shakespeare was right: “All The World’s A Stage.”
Most people do have secrets, and unconsciously adopt different roles depending on who they’re with.
I think it’s a question of degree, and whether there’s anyone you can ‘be yourself with’. If someone who really cared about you knew the truth, do you think they could live with it? Would they still want you in their life? Or would they have to reject you?
I think that most people live in the hope of forming that kind of relationship – of knowing someone who could accept their true self, warts and all. They may fear rejection, but they also have hope that, if the truth were revealed, those closest would stand by them and still want to know them.
I don’t have that hope anymore – anyone who really understood me would have to reject me – because the real me is intolerable – antisocial, dangerous, untrustworthy, & selfish.
I can’t form honest relationships, because in my mind is the constant awareness that if the person did know the truth, they would want nothing more to do with me. Attempting to befriend anyone is an act of deception – I’m tricking this person into liking me in the full knowledge that if they knew who and what I really was, they would be repulsed and sickened by it.
Yes, I understand. That is why I don’t give too much information to people who ask questions about my current situation. Especially when I run into someone who I once knew very well. I’m sorry, I wish I could answer your questions because they are the questions I constantly ask myself.
I truly relate to your situation. There is the real me and the person I want people to believe I am, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it’s exhausting. So I’m not going to try and say that you shouldn’t believe these things if that’s what you feel is true. No one wants to be alone but no one wants to be rejected.
I think as long as those questions are still in your mind, then you have hope. Perhaps the people you’ve known up to now wouldn’t be able to accept your true self. But imagine the kindest, most sympathetic, most understanding person you can. Suppose you meet your ‘soul mate’ – the person best placed to understand the real you. Do you think they could accept the bad with the good, and still want to know you?
For me, I can’t see any way that even the most sympathetic person could accept the whole truth about me. It’s not just about the risk of individual rejection – the truth would bring massive social stigma, threaten my livelihood, and could bring serious legal consequences. I’ve done a lot of bad things for very bad reasons. I really don’t ‘deserve’ to live.
I hope you can overcome your worries and find acceptance.
I’m sorry. 🙁 That’s a tough position to be in, I can only hope you can overcome these hurdles. I’m not someone to judge because I’ve done bad things that has hurt a lot of people in my life. I’m not sure if you’ll be willing, but if you would like to talk I’ll be here.
That’s kind of you. A part of me does really want to talk – to somehow make the truth of who I am ok. But I don’t think that’s possible, having confessed to therapists, helplines, and mental health forums in the past. All of them were non-judgemental, but none were able to make me feel less inhuman. None of them were able to accept me, because who I am is unacceptable. And having that reaffirmed in my mind hurts.
It’s not just that I’ve done awful things, it’s that the badness in me is still there. It’s still this huge part of me. It’s one of my primary motivators. And it feels good to let it take control. My actions now may be less harmful than in the past, but all it takes is the right combination of circumstances and I’ll flip right back. I don’t know what I might be capable of, given the opportunity. And I don’t have the strength of character to contain it. I don’t believe in anything, love anything, or care about anything enough to overpower it. All I can do is try to channel it. And I don’t always have the strength of will to do that.
In short, I’m not safe to be around people. And yet I have to be, to survive. And it hurts, because I have to keep a distance, while watching real life pass me by.
Having such terrible thoughts embedded in your mind hurts. I still have beliefs that even when people try to convince me otherwise, the thoughts are still there. These thoughts about myself are something I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change. So I’m not going to preach and say “I overcame it, you can too!”
Mental health professionals can help you get the thoughts out of your mind for a bit but they won’t change them. It’s their job to be non-judgmental. So I can understand about your point of view.
Sorry if I’m annoying you by keeping this conversation going. I’m somewhat in the same boat. This position is a hard place to be in because you either live with it, wait until you die, or take matters into your own hands, and none of those options are easy.
You’re not annoying me by keeping this going, as I said part of me very much wants to talk. But I’m not sure we’re coming from quite the same place.
For me, it’s not so much the fact that I have bad thoughts or self-hating beliefs which make me unhappy (although they don’t help). It’s that core parts of my personality are evil. What motivates me is totally screwed up. Maybe again it’s a question of degree, but it’s not the same thing.
When I was a teenager, I used to anxiously fear that no one would ever accept me as I really was. Maybe I was right, but I think it’s more likely that I just hadn’t encountered the right people. If I’d just been able to open up to one or two likeminded souls, I think I’d have been fine. But I was too afraid to reveal how weak I felt to other people, and risk mockery. I was too proud. So I isolated myself.
But with the things I’ve done in the years since, and the traits my personality has developed, I now think it’s near impossible for anyone to accept the man I’ve become. Which doesn’t stop a large part of me desperately longing for that acceptance. Unfortunately my emotions don’t seem to recognise probability.
It’s good to know a part of you still wants to talk. Perhaps we are not coming from the same place, but the more you talk the more I am able to slowly understand. I just want to clarify: I’m not trying to change your mind in any way. If your goal is still suicide that’s a decision for you to make alone. Also, the way you feel about yourself is something I won’t try and change either
I have no idea what you’ve done in the past but I feel it always comes down to owning up to one’s past actions. I’ve seen people who have done terrible things to other people and refuse to own up to their actions. They either deny it ever happened, give a half-assed apology, or act like they were right to do it, even if they were obviously in the wrong.
I don’t think it’s ever possible to be accepted by everyone or for everyone to accept one’s traits. I can only speak for myself but I feel my family still refuses to accept me for the person I am as a whole. I love them and I’m sure they love me, but they still do their best to deny what’s in front of them. I’ve started to believe it’s hard to find people who will ever accept someone for everything. There will always be something that one person will not like about another person.
I guess it’s all up for debate, but I think the fact that you know what’s evil within you and that you acknowledge you’ve done wrong in the past is a start. As I said, that’s more than many others.
Best wishes. Feel free to disagree with me, I will do my best to understand better.
I wouldn’t say my goal was suicide. It’s not something I’ve resolved to do. I just often feel like it may be the most rational choice, given the life I’ve created for myself. A lot of the time I feel like it’s unbearable. And yet delusional motivations keep me enduring it.
Owning up is hard. Part of me feels the things that I’ve done (and want to do again) are totally incidental and harmless in the ‘grand scheme of things’. Another part feels that my actions were awful & unforgivable, and fears that I was complicit in ruining people’s lives. Living with that thought constantly in your mind is impossible. How can you not want to end yourself if you accept that you’ve been part of something like that, and that you may well do it again? It feels like there’s no way to make it right, or make amends. The only actions I could take would destroy my life and my family, without really helping anyone. And a large part of me doesn’t even care who I may have hurt – it’s completely selfish. As long as you can keep ignoring the humanity of others, you don’t have to face how awful what you’ve done is.
I agree it’s not possible to be accepted by everyone. I think all anyone can hope for in this world is to be accepted by someone, who you feel the same way about. And by that I mean that they’re prepared to accept the things they don’t like about you as a part of the whole person who they want to know.
Knowing what’s evil within me doesn’t mean I can change it. Or that I would even if I could. As I said, it’s this huge part of me. It plays a large role in motivating my behaviour. If I could just take a pill and have it disappear – maybe I would, but it would depend what mood I was in. But as it is, it’s always going to be there – and the other parts of me can only channel it with varying amounts of success.
Hello, thehusk. I’m just checking in to see how you are. You’re right, I did use the wrong word. I believe I meant to say “option” instead of “goal.” I apologize for the error.
I feel there is not much advice I can give you because as you said, you can know the evil within you but you feel you cannot change it. I feel I could change my life if I wanted to, but there is also a feeling of what’s the point? That doesn’t mean I’m telling you to go and commit suicide. It’s more along the lines of if you want to take on the challenge and change, that’s good, but that doesn’t make you a failure if you feel you cannot.
I feel everyone should be given a second chance. I do believe people can change, it just takes time. I’m sorry if I haven’t been of much help. I will continue to listen if you feel like sharing.
I know I can change my behaviour, if I have consistent motivation. But I don’t think I can change the way I feel. There are parts of me that go too deep, that bypass the ‘rational’ part of my mind. And so all it takes is for that rational part to lose it’s motivation, even for a second, and the other part can assume control. I don’t think I’ll ever be ‘safe’.
If I was stable, that would be one thing. But I’m not. I can’t get enough sleep, so I’m always tired. I have persistent stomach problems & crippling social anxiety. My job is low paid & stresses me out, and I can’t make enough to live independently of my parents. So I’m never in a position where I’m strong enough to focus on keeping my emotions balanced.
I’m not sure about second chances. To take it to an absurd level, should Hitler have been given a second chance after the holocaust? At what point does someone become irredeemable? Depending on how you look at it, I’ve already been given a second chance, and a third chance, and I screwed them both up.
Don’t ever apologize for trying to help people. Just writing this helps me clarify what’s really going on in my mind, which is a start, even if I’m not sure how to resolve it. I hope someone is giving you the same opportunity to process what you’re going through.
I apologize too much, I should probably stop that…haha. It’s good to hear that writing what your feeling is giving you some sort of clarification. Sometimes we don’t have to know our where we’re going, just that we’re going to get somewhere. That doesn’t really make much sense, I’ve never been good at inspirational quotes.
I can relate with you on the fatigue, stomach problems, and the social anxiety. The social anxiety was the whole reason my life went downhill and kept going downhill. Do your parents know about your problems? Or do they turn a blind eye to it?
The stress of just making a living can make everything 10x harder. I feel it would be easier to have enough money to survive so you’d be able to focus on yourself more. I think money wouldn’t do much for my condition, but it would help get rid of some stress.
Hitler is an extreme example. I think he is an example of someone who is irredeemable, but it’d be really hard for an average person to get to his level of evil. Hitler didn’t kill himself because he was ashamed of who he was and of what he did, he killed himself because he didn’t want to admit wrongdoing and be punished. He believed everything he did was right until the very end.
Do you think you’re a kind person? I think you are. You’ve talked to me very kindly and listened to what I had to say. Thank you. 🙂
My parents know about the anxiety, fatigue etc., although they don’t really understand the extent of it. Generally they’re very supportive, although obviously it frustrates & upsets them that I’m not more functional. They have no idea about the darker stuff – it would destroy them. They don’t know how low I really feel – that I think about suicide etc. – and I don’t think I could tell them, without explaining why.
I spend so much time trying to think of a way I could earn a living without having face my anxiety every day. Maybe if I had more energy I might figure something out.
Granted, Hitler was totally convinced of the rightness of his actions. Me, I’m more conflicted. As I said, I can simultaneously recognise rationally that what I’ve done was very wrong, while another part of me feels it was great and wants to do it again. And that part isn’t going away. And while I haven’t presided over any genocides, my actions would generally be considered pretty irredeemable. I do sometimes feel shame, but I’m not sure I feel guilt. Which I probably should.
I’m certainly capable of kindness, but I’m also capable of great unkindness – it really depends which part of my brain is running the show. Maybe being kind to others is a way of trying to convince myself that I’m really not so bad – that the other side of me is just an aberration. Of making myself feel human for a while. But the feeling never lasts – nothing can make up for what I’ve done, what I am.
Of course, there’s also reciprocation – you’ve shown great kindness in your replies, therefore you should receive kindness in return.
I can see it would be very hard to explain to your parents you’re suicidal. Even explaining to them why you’re suicidal, it would still might be hard for them to understand. This is one of those feelings no one can understand unless they’ve been there. A part of my mind wants to tell you to give it a chance and open up to them, but that would be hypocritical of me since I haven’t opened up to my mother and don’t plan to. I also don’t think putting yourself into a situation that would cause more stress would be good at the moment. Opening up to loved ones is something you have to work yourself up to, even if it takes years.
I’m in the same boat when it comes to finding a way to make a living without having to face my anxiety every day. It’s something I’m still trying to figure out. I suppose if I found something I enjoyed doing even if it involved some people I might be fine. This is a tough one, and one reason why I’ve considered suicide among many.
It must be hard feeling like you have to be in control of the bad part of you. It would be easier if it would just go away and those awful feelings and thoughts would disappear. We can’t make up for what we’ve done in the past and it’s about the future we create for ourselves. Yet, it seems like you feel you’ll never be able to shake this bad part of you.
I wish I could say more, I wish I could help you more. I feel you’re more than what you’ve done and the good part of you outweighs the bad part of you. I don’t know if you’ll agree with this and I don’t even know what I’m saying…haha. I just want you to know I’m thinking of you and will continue to listen even if I can’t give much back.
Explaining to my parents why I think about suicide would mean revealing who I really am, and what I’ve done. Which would destroy them. I don’t think I could take the shame, but even if I could, it would be the end of us as a family.
I’ve let this part of me totally define me, and now I can’t shake it. It self-reinforces. It grew out of my feelings of inferiority, anger, and frustrated entitlement, and now I’ve done things, and thought things, that mark me as completely morally inferior, to everyone. It’s this huge stain on me that can’t be lifted. It feels like nothing I could do from this point on could outweigh it. Even supposing I had the energy and talent to do something worthwhile (cure cancer, solve world hunger etc.) So I can’t move on from it. There’s no way to rebuild my self-esteem, or make myself ‘worthy’, so it’s always going to appeal to a part of my mind, and have this grip on me.
Thank you for listening. It helps to face it.