What do you do, with the pain – the despair. When you come to believe that it’s not just a passing phase, or something for you to overcome. When it’s been 8 long years rather than 6 months. When your hope is gone, and you can’t think of anything else to try. When you come to accept that this is who you are, and likely always will be. When doing even basic things is a struggle, because nothing seems worthwhile, and your brain won’t focus on anything.
When you won’t end it, because you can’t do that to your parents – who sacrificed so much, and care so deeply.
When you can’t let anyone know what’s really wrong.
How do you go on? How do you function, when there is no hope left? How do you live for other people, when everything just seems empty and meaningless.
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My body responded to similar feelings by having a breakdown and then entering into a state of dissociation and depersonalization. I still live in this state after more than 4 years and I don’t really feel as though I am living but just existing.
This post is exactly what I’m feeling. I’m not functioning at the moment. It’s like my body and mind shut down. All I can feel are tears. Someone from OK Cupid texted me today and I feel like the conversation turned negative and maybe I made myself look pathetic in the end, didn’t mean to.
It’s a storm I cannot see past right now. It always clears to give me just enough false hope to keep going until it crashes down again. This pattern has been going on for years and years. I self-medicate. It’s benzo-related. It’s the only thing that helps, but I don’t have it now and I just have to ride this wave.
I’m not sticking around because of my parents. That seems to be a lot of people’s excuse. They’ll get over it. I just haven’t found a way to kill myself yet. I OD’d years ago, but was brought back just to keep suffering. Those glimpses of happy moments are so fun, but it’s a joke in the end. I am always brought back down to the same place, going nowhere. I see everyone else carrying on through life and I can’t take it anymore. It’s too painful. I’m nothing but a ghost watching everyone else live.
I’m so sorry for everyone’s suffering.