Quitting smoking

It’s really late again. I have an exam tomorrow, and I’ve been studying in bits and pieces, but mostly wasting time smoking with a variety of people. The result is I haven’t studied much. I’m pretty sure I’m going to do average at best tomorrow. It doesn’t even matter that much to me anymore. I’ve stopped being able to care for grades. I’m considering going home. I found a train with tickets available. I realized it’s the city I miss really. Not home. I’m not sure I should go, and sacrifice attendance just to swelter in the heat. It’s the rain I miss. Summer is terrible both here and there, but it’s not hot enough for it to be uncomfortable here yet. I don’t think I’ll go. I’ll go in June and again at the end of August. I hope monsoon isn’t late this year.

The sleep deprivation is worse. The movement of my own shadow has scared me thrice tonight. I can’t sleep though. I’m not sleepy now, and even when I do, I wake up tired. I think I have PTSD. It supposedly stays for a while after sexual assault, and resolves with time. How much time is the question. I want normalcy back, and my mind back. I want my willpower back, and my thinking to be clear again. I want a good night’s sleep.

I’m going to quit smoking. It’s going to be a test of my willpower. If I can do it, I will prove I can control my mind.