Sometimes I wish I could just die to see if anyone around me truly cared about my existence or travel to an alternate universe where I could see how those around me felt when I ended my life. To see if my life was even worth living, to see if anyone really did care about me in the end, or if I was just a burden as I have felt my entire life. Like, would my family care that was no longer living so they wouldn’t have to an extra body in the house, would my coworkers or my workplace care or would they just […]
Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point of going on. For a little background, I’m currently in a math class and not doing as well as I feel I should be and if I pass the 2 upcoming tests my grade will be pretty good, but I’m not confident at all and I while I had the first test postponed due to my poor mental health, I feel like a failure for having to do that. I’m not confident in myself at all, I feel like I should have been in grad school by now or that I should be doing better in this class. Sometimes […]
This was something that I thought of when I was at some of my lowest points in life. The idea that if I had a ship capable of interstellar travel, where it could jump to other star systems in a matter of seconds, I wouldn’t have hesitated to use it to leave this world and leave behind a parting message to the world as to why I left.
“Hello, most of you don’t know, I mean why would you, I’m just one mass amongst 7 billion other biological masses of similar nature. But it doesn’t matter whether you know me or not because I’m […]
It seems that like on my “good days” I’m a pessimist and on my “bad days” I reach my breaking point, turn into a full nihilist, lose my sanity and laugh at the very notion that my life has any value or deserves anything good. I can’t ignore the fact that nothing we do matters or that on a geological or cosmic scale we are utterly meaningless. So why should we view ourselves as having any value because I certainly can’t seem to do that no matter what other people tell me. Whenever someone tells me that my life is valuable I have to fight […]
This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any […]
This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any […]
This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any […]
… because I find it hard to believe that “the world would be much different place without you”
I’m sure many of us have heard this phrase before that we hear people say to others in an attempt to try and prevent them from taking their own life. However, if I was standing on the edge and ready to jump and someone said that to me I’m afraid that it wouldn’t persuade me to not kill myself because I’m pretty sure I would respond with something like: “The World? The World will remain the same. It will continue to spin on its axis. It will continue […]
It seems like every day I wake up questioning whether love will ever find me. Whether I will ever meet someone that I can love romantically. Someone who can love, appreciate and accept who I am even my flaws as I will do the same for them. Or that anyone would ever find me attractive. Every day I can never seem to shake the belief that I am destined to forever walk the earth alone until the day that I die, not knowing what it feels like to have someone love you or what it feels like to love someone. Or maybe it’s that I […]
It’s not as bad as it was before but there is never a week that goes by without me questioning whether I’m even worth anything to anyone around me. For a time I truly believed that I wasn’t worth anything and that I was a nuisance to everyone around me and that the world didn’t need me. I’ve seen all these online articles about how the world needs you when you’re questioning your worth but during this time I felt that the world would have been better off without me as that would’ve been one less resource sucking carbon-emitting sack of organic molecules. I’ve heard […]
A few months ago I figured out why I’m suffering from emotional numbness and it is because of my parents and older brother. It all started with a chat over Xbox live with my brother who admitted to being a shitty brother for most of my childhood. At first, I didn’t know how to emotionally process it and at that moment I just wanted to change the subject and just play the game and have fun. It was only afterward that I realized why I couldn’t emotionally process what he said and it was because he was a shitty brother for most of my childhood […]
This isn’t a story about how I almost killed myself, but it certainly paved the way for me to experience suicidal thoughts in the future. The fall semester of 2019 for me was by far the most stressful and demoralizing period of my entire academic life up to date. If there was one good thing to come out of it, it’s that I discovered I’ve been dealing with depression and other mental issues for many years now. Never the less, this particular semester caused me to reach my breaking point where I just felt like I wasn’t good enough, that I am completely worthless, that […]