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I wanted to leave this prison of a world more than anything

by Thorium 232

This isn’t a story about how I almost killed myself, but it certainly paved the way for me to experience suicidal thoughts in the future. The fall semester of 2019 for me was by far the most stressful and demoralizing period of my entire academic life up to date. If there was one good thing to come out of it, it’s that I discovered I’ve been dealing with depression and other mental issues for many years now. Never the less, this particular semester caused me to reach my breaking point where I just felt like I wasn’t good enough, that I am completely worthless, that I’m not worth anyone’s time and effort, that I am a burden and a nuisance to everyone around me and that I deserve to be alone forever. One class, in particular, was the most stressful and demoralizing of the four that I was taking that semester because after completing several assignments and doing so well on them, it shattered what little confidence I had left in my ability to excel in two of my other classes. While I did manage to pass the class in the end, this one, in particular, caused me to want to leave this cruel and dark world forever. By that I mean that if I had spaceship capable of interstellar and intergalactic travel and I knew how to fly it, I would have taken it and left this world without hesitation and with no regrets. I felt that if I were to leave this planet no one would care of bat an eye and that would confirm my belief that this world isn’t worth living on anymore or that if people tried to convince me to stay I would tell them directly by saying “you failed to save me and it is far too late for you to try to save me now, but you know what, I have accepted that this world is cruel and I shall no longer be a part of it anymore”.

For a time I wanted this more than anything in the world, to just leave this cruel spec of a prison drifting through space, because if I can leave then I won’t feel small or insignificant. I even considered leaving a video recording that I would broadcast to the world explaining why I left this world and why I abandoned humanity as a whole, never to return. As well as mentioning that I doubt this video would even have any effect whatsoever on the world as a whole. It wasn’t until early January of 2020 this year that I realized how many people would have left behind if I could do so. It was then that I realized I would have left behind so many friends and family who loved me dearly and that I would have broken their hearts to learn that I had left this world completely with no intention of ever returning. This may not be my attempted suicide story, but it paved the way for the time that I would attempt to take my own life, so to anyone reading this that is dealing with suicidal thoughts, know that you are not alone in this world and that there are people who would miss you dearly if you were to die. I won’t lie, this world is cruel and I think the problem is that far to often we don’t pay enough attention to the light in this world and way pay too much attention to all of its dark aspects. Know that this world is worth living in and that there will always be people who will love and value you forever, even if it’s hard to see.

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Christina_the_Cat 5/27/2020 - 1:00 am

I’m so glad you haven’t committed suicide! Stay safe. Yes, life is worth living and there are people who love us. 🙂

Cause of Death: Suicide 5/28/2020 - 1:00 am

I hate this type of message because it’s like you are obligated to stay alive for these ‘random strangers’ that ‘love’ you? LMAO, wtf?

hope432 5/28/2020 - 6:56 am

We don’t have to stay alive for anyone. It’s true, life is hard and many times cruel. But we can stay alive for ourselves. Death tells me nothing. I don’t see it as an escape either.

Cause of Death: Suicide, I enjoy reading your words, even if they are most of the time negative. Your life is meaningful. There may be people who truly like you. And if you die, you cannot enjoy anymore anything. This is also not an escape and it doesn’t lead to peace.

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