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(re posted) my attempted suicide story

by Thorium 232

This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any way, but I didn’t find out about this until she sat down with me and said that my behavior appears to be possessive along with me having a crush on this person. However, I did not have a crush on this person and even if I did I would’ve suppressed it because this person is asexual so I never would’ve attempted to try and pursue an intimate relationship. Unfortunately, when they told me this I was already in a dark place and I didn’t give this person the apology that they deserved because I just shut down and was drowning in remorse. Then security is knocking on my door at 1:47 and says that they received a call that someone was a possible danger to themselves and they were right because I was. I told the security guards my story and they said that you seem to be drowning in guilt and even then “your life is valuable” along with the nurse that checked me into the wellness center on campus. I had to actually fight the urge to scoff and even laugh when they said this because I a pretty hard time believing that my life has any value. The next morning security comes back to my room and says that the person has issued a non-communication order as it was usually recommended by security when you call them about an individual, but I understood and asked them if they could at least tell the person that I’m really sorry about what I did. This was at the start of Thanksgiving break, but I didn’t try to kill myself until after the break when I was walking down a street at night when a voice in my head says “why don’t you just kill yourself you worthless piece of shit. No one is going to miss you and the world really would be better off without and it’s what you deserve.” And I almost did it, maybe less than half a second more and I would’ve thrown myself in front of a moving car and that would have been it. Through the months after that, I tried to heal, but today I had those emotional wounds opened up again because one of my friends found out and essentially threatened me, causing the region below my stomach to ache as well as my forehead. It made me re-evaluate whether I’m even a good person and whether I made the right choice of not killing myself back in November. Sometimes I look back on that time and the thought of “I should have died that day” comes up sometimes, but what do you think?

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Abnormal.Thoughts 12/2/2020 - 8:39 am

I can relate to much of this. Even on good days or when things have been okay I have never once thought, ‘I’m glad I failed at killing myself’, the thoughts are always the opposite, ‘I wish I had succeeded’. Wanting to die to the point if actually attempting to kill yourself does something to you that stains your mind for the rest of your life.
I think I wrote about it here before but there is a subtle, frightening difference between having to make yourself step in front of a speeding car and having to stop yourself from doing so.
I’m not saying there haven’t been good times since then, but something inside is always off.
I hope you feel better.

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