TisxIxKasa

Today I found out my “best friend,” of about 5 years, back stabs me.
I always thought she would always be there for me, as I am always here for her.
I’ve been a faithful friend to her, but I keep most things about myself inside.
The thing which always prevents me from telling her about the predicaments I’m in is that she might go out and tell everyone else, because she has. Millions of times.

I’ve always known she back stabs me when she’s around other friends. She rants about me and, literally behind my back, she would immaturely gesture the idea of stabbing or hurting […]

I attempted to bond with my mother. I tried to make her feel special and appreciated.

I painted her nails and tried to pamper her for a bit.

I put on the biggest smile. I laughed and I talked in complete sentences for once.

I actually maintained conversation and acted happy.

I couldn’t do it. She kept getting upset at the loud noise my siblings were making. She yelled at me for trying to talk to her.

After finishing, I quickly maneuvered to my room. I can’t take it.

I was just trying to make memories with here before I decide.

I’m using all the time I can in order to make […]

I don’t know how I got to be like this. And I don’t know how to go back to how I was.

Any form of help won’t assist me in getting better. I’ve thought it through.

If I have a therapist to talk to things about, people will still dislike me. I’ll be even more of an outcast.

If I tell someone, they’ll suppose I’m craving attention, or I’m just being dramatic.

I understand there are people who care about me. But there aren’t any that are here for me physically.

The only thing I want is to let it all out. To cry. To lay out all my problems. […]

And now let’s add another person to the list.

Another addition to my long list.

My list of all the people who have left.

The series of people who told me it’s best if they never knew me.

This.

This is why I should stop.

One of the reasons why I need to diminish my habit of pulling people close and trusting them.

Because if it’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my life, is that no one really is permanently there for me.

They’ll be here for a while, but there is going to be a time when we depart.

And if I acknowledged that fact..

If I remembered that statement every time I made […]

Last night, I talked him. The guy who has been my best friend for the longest time.

Surprisingly enough, he actually made me smile. I mean, every one can see me smile, or express happiness, but I never really mean it anymore.

But he made me experience genuine happiness.

I laughed. I actually laughed. A real one, at that.

And the things he told me. The way he smiled at me.. I couldn’t believe it.

It seemed as if I was dreaming, honestly. To think I actually had that sensation. That feeling.

Happiness. Bliss. Euphoria! I was experiencing such an abundance of delight, it was flooding my entire being. I felt […]