day after day, i wish i could be dead. I wish I could just disappear. Everytime I walk, move, talk you name it. I know everybody else hates me. So I’m just realising more and more that I really don’t have a reason to ‘ve Alive. I tried to wait it out. But I just can’t anymore. It won’t get better. It’s the same shit everyday. Go to school. Pretend. Be ignored. Home. Everyday Mon – Fri. I’m realising that no one even cares, and the progression why I am still here is because I’m too fucking scared to end it. My stress levels have been so high lately, and I’m aggrevated by every little thing. I try to put on the smile but it just keeps getting harder to do. I think this is the end. If it isnt today, then probably this week. I can’t live like this Anymore. I cant stay here
uuuugh. its like i tryy, and i tryyyy. but its like my efforts dont mean shit to nobody. I don’t think they realize how worthless they make me feel. maybe they do, maybe they just don’t care.
everday i wish i was dead. my self image or self perception has gotten worse. everytime i look in the mirror, I realize why no one likes me. I try to avoid looking in mirrors or my reflections or pictures..etc just so i can get through the day specially on school days. this past month the feeling has gotten worse, and it feels like every day is a challenge, and idk what to do anymore i just want to give up so bad. my uncle just died, my mother struggles to pay for the funeral, and she’s been so depressed lately, 2 funerals would damage her emotionally, but right now everything just seems unbearable. and i just can’t take it anymore.
how do you no when you’ve hit rock bottom?
how do I figure out, what my purpose is? i just need a sign. just to let me no why I was put here. cause at this point, I don’t even think there is a reason I was put here. just a mistake my parents made. how come over heard so many people say they’ve received signs, and they’re life has changed for the better now? Or that just wonke up one day, and they didn’t want to die anymore. well why can’t that happen to me? I know I have to be “patient”, but I feel like I’ve been patient a little too long, and things are just getting worse, and worse each day.
Are there any other ways to escape? Escape reality, and forget all this bullshit? I usually just sleep, but that’s not 100% enough, cause I wake up then can’t go back to sleep. I used to just watch videos but my phone is to slow, and if I keep going on my phone this much I’ll become legally blind. What other ways do you escape reality and forget about everything? I’m just trying to run away from my feelings. That’s all I can do at this point.
im so fucking tired of life. i really am. i just feel like the days are getting worse, and worse. And nothings gonna change. This past week I’ve found myself thinking about running away, or filling up my bath tub, and falling asleep in it. Or hanging myself in the bathroom, and im basically just trying to say, im really tired of life. im tired of me, an i really wish it could get better, but I no its not going to be..so I just want to end it. I just want it to end. I’m tired of going to school, and always feeling so lonely. Im tired of being surrounded by my friends, and feeling like the least important,Least beautiful one, most unwanted, most unloved. (Not just at school) I’m tired of getting played out by boys, and being made look like a fool. It hurts to know that everyone around me has someone that loves them, but bot even one single person can for me. I just don’t know what to do..I’m just tired, reallyt tired.
Just a rant. Sorry it’s so long. Read it if you want.
I think it’s time for me to go. I cant take this. Everything I do. Every single thing I do. Is wrong. I’m really tired. I really.feel like I don’t belong anywhere. And that feeling is trapping. And I hate feeling trapped. I can’t trust anyone. I’m always afraid of what everyone thinks of me. I’m tired of being judged. I always feel like I’m being.judged. it’s time for me to go. This whole “staying positive ” bullshit just isn’t for me. I’m feeling sick. Like I want to break down. But I’m not going to causr crying is not something I do. I’m not happy.I will never be. I know people say that only youhave the power to change your life but. I’m weak. There is no power in me. and whatever little there was is gone, and it has been for a while. I need to get out of here. Fast. But where would I go? I need to just go somewhere, somewhere that will help me. But I’m starting to think that there is no where . I’ve been waiting for a sign. A sign to guide me. But I’m realizing that there is never going to be a sign. And im putting my hope in something that’s never gonna happen, once again. Now tomorrow I have to go back to school and smile in everyone’s faces. Just so they don’t notice anything. There’s no point of me going there. I don’t learn anything. I don’t understand anything. I’m trapped there. It used to be only 5 days. Week but now my mother signed me up for a kids Christian program on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, and now I’m trapped 7 days a week for who knows how long. I cant leave the group. Everyone already expects me to stay. I don’t want to let anyone down anymore.
These past few days I’ve been trying to stay as positive as I can. Thinking positive thoughts, trying to smile more (even if I don’t feel like smiling)But, it’s getting harder and harder to keep smiling, when all I want to do is the exact opposite. I try to say positive quotes in my head but it’s like my negative thoughts over power my positive ones, and I end up listening to them. How do I stay positive, when my mind is trying so hard to fight me? How do you guys stay positive? What makes you smile, when you’re depressed, and have no hope? How do you get rid of those thoughts?
today, was bound to be a horrible day. i woke up feeling like a failure. thinking about my future. I know I’m young but please don’t bash me about how I’m feeling. I was thinking about me graduating, and how everything’s gonna change. everyone’s going there separate ways, and everybody will be happy, then I think of me, how everything’s gonna just get worse for me.it always seems to be so great for everyone else, but when it comes to me it’s a whole different story. I feel like the universe is out to get me sometimes. And it’s just so overwhelming. I’ll be going to school with the girl who absolutely hates me, and makes me feel worthless, the person I could talk to about how I feel, is going away too, so I guess I’ll be keeping everything to myself, which always ends up bad.I just know I’m gonna feel so alone. I don’t wanna type to much, cause my thoughts are all over the place, and sometimes it’s hard to get them out, so people can understand. Idk what I’m trying to say..idk what I’m gonna do.. I wonder if anyone would care if I just disappeared. W.e
So this is probably the only time I’m gonna use this, account. I just needed it to get out. To vent. Anyways.. here it is.
I think I’m starting to accept the fact that there’s something wrong with me, and that I’m a terrible person. I feel “empty,” don’t know exactly what that means except, you feel I dunno dead inside? None of my emotions feel real. I’m beginning to think I’m not normal, crazy even. One of these days, not today, nor tommorow I will end it. I just don’t belong here, I shouldn’t be here, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, my mind is filled with so many thoughts, I just wish I could get away from it. Get away from reality. Too feel something. I’ve tried everything that people say helps you feel.. I guess. Cutting, Alcohol, everything. Nothing seems to help me. I don’t feel the same anymore , I’m not the same anymore. I don’t know who I am, and I can’t take it anymore. I always feel alone, I feel like people only want me around so they won’t be alone. I feel like I’m the only one who feels this way. Am I? Probably. I really don’t have a point to write this, this long ass entry no one will probably even take the time to read. I have so many questions, but no fucking answers. So basically, I’m just tired of feeling this way. Some people say they would love to feel nothing. But.. I don’t know what’s worse for me.. feeling it all, or feeling nothing at all. But fuck it. I just don’t know what’s going on. And I’m tired of trying to figure it out. Does anyone feel this way? No? Probably not. Alone again. But whatever. I’m done. Bye.