I’m dating this guy.. It’s been almost 7 months. He still hasn’t learned the word no.. I mean he never knew it. I try not to judge him for the past but he keeps acting as he use to. He wanted to have sex and I did too but I said no because I know I wouldn’t be able to handle anymore because we already had sex not that long before. But he decided to push and push and I never said yes. But I could have left…. I just know he didn’t really mean to hurt me but I feel so used…
Do I remember
everything from that night?
It scares me to think I don’t
What if more had happened?
It’s all just a blur
I lied about where he had his hand
It wasn’t on my hip…
But what if it went lower?
What if I don’t remember?
I was upset
I made a mistake
He offered me alcohol
And I got drunk
He was in his thirties
I was fifteen
And I don’t remember
All he did
When you keep opening up and giving someone your all, then they turn around and fuck you over every time, it slowly starts to take a toll on you. You start losing pieces of yourself, and friends start to leave you. You slowly start to hate yourself because of what you’ve turned into and you eventually get pushed to the edge and slowly start falling off into a downward spiral of tears and other horrible things. You know they are the only one that can help you because they are the only one you want, but every time you just get hurt worse until you are completely broken and not able to be fixed anymore.
Which one hurts more? Being rejected or them not answering and ignoring you?
For me it’s not answering. With rejection you at least have an answer. You know they are not interested. But when they don’t answer what the hell does that mean? Are they repulsed by you? Do they not know? Did you scare them away? You have no clue what happened and you are thinking the worst. What did you do wrong? Are you not worth an answer? It’s a simple yes or a no… I don’t know is even better then not answering…What the fuck did I do to deserve no answer..?
So just had a huge blow out with my family. My mom fired me from work and I don’t know what to do. I always feel so alone when I’m home. Like I feel kinda invisible. They don’t need me. They have my cousins. They probably wouldn’t even notice if I died. I’m just a bother. A fuck up. They would be better off with out me. Maybe I should end it all. It would make everyone happier. I mean hell all I am is a disappointment.
Okay. So I need someone’s opinion. My therapist wants me to go to a hospital to get checked out and clear my head. It’s completely up to me if I go. I kinda think I should… But I don’t know… The whole idea freaks me out… Can anyone tell me what it’s like or if they think I should go… That would be a big help..
It’s a typical question I’m normally asked. I normally say nothing. But wanna know the truth? I don’t know what’s wrong. I honestly don’t. I could be completely happy then boom. I’m a mess. I feel like I’m going to cry 99% and I have no clue why. I constantly feel like shit and for once I just want to be happy and stay happy. But something always ruins my mood and I have no clue what it is. For some reason I can’t stay happy.
I go to school and get called a ***** and a slut by some guy then I also have his friend threatening to punch me. This makes me feel like shit. Like I came home and cried. I dont want to go to school but yet home isn’t better. My mom is in a bad mood and she’s acting like a biych. She’s the one who said she’s a *****. Just repeating her. But she’s taking it out on me and making me feel like shit. Can I please just have a break..? Guess not..
So my friends boyfriend is telling me that I’m fucking up their relationship. I don’t know how and he won’t tell me how. I don’t want him to break up with her and he’s making it seem like he’s going to because of me.. Should I just stop talking to her so I don’t cause problems..?
So I don’t know if anyone would remember my previous post, but it was about something that happened between me and a guy twice my age while I was drunk. I’ve let that consume me in a way. I’m scared that I don’t remember everything that happened. And I kow he wouldn’t have had sex with me but I don’t know if I remember everything. And I know my school thinks more happened without know what happened. This whole situation sucks. It makes me feel like such a whore and I don’t know what to do. It’s been over a year since I happened and it’s still affecting me. Why..?
This is me tonight. The guy I like went back to his ex. I was going to ask him to my friends party on valentines day. Guess I don’t have to now. I’ve been up since 4am crying my eyes out and it actually caused me to throw up. How great-.- It’s like I seriously can’t stop crying. I don know why. I mean I knew he was going to go back to her. It’s just I haven’t tried this hard for a guy in a while. It sucks.
I fell for my best friends ex. It’s not like I tried to. He was upset about the break up and I started trying to cheer him up. We clicked. Like we have so much in common it’s unbelievable. He is the sweetest guy I’ve met and I don’t know what to do. It’s not like I meant for this to happen. It kinda just did. She even still likes him. I feel like complete shit for all of this..
I was a rebound. We weren’t even dating for 2 days. She didn’t even want me. Right when someone better came along she wanted to leave. So why did she even say yes in the first place and why does this hurt so much. It’s like I can’t stop crying..
So today sucked.
It started off with me telling my mom that I had a girlfriend and her going on this long ass rant that basically amounted to her not being okay to it and when I asked she flat out told me she wasn’t. Then it was an awkward car ride and an awkward day at the barn where I felt unwanted. Then when I came home I kinda just kept to myself until my lovely sister comes home and freaks out on my because the bathroom was a mess when all that was left out was the dog shampoo and their towel and brushes because my mom wanted to wash my other dog since I did kokoa earlier. Then my whole entire family flips out on me because I got a little upset over my sister freaking out on me. And now I feel like complete shit and I’m sitting in my bed crying my eyes out because now apparently I’m going to cyber school because I always have an attitude. When I honestly don’t. And I’m sorry if I get so over emotional when all everyone seems to do is make me feel like shit anymore. Half the time I want to die and it fucking sucks. It honestly does.
Why am I still here? All I do is fuck everything up. I’m a home wrecking whore who should just die. I fucking hate myself and I hate living. I want to die.
Why do I deal with him?? Like am I really that stupid to continue to talk to someone who only wants me to talk sexual to him and when I don’t he flips out or confesses his feelings for me to try to get me to give in. Or he just randomly flips out on my because I like a guy and comes up with this horrible flaw about them when he is really describing himself. He makes me feel like complete shit 99.9% of the time. Why do I allow myself to go through that?? And why can’t I say this to you??
So there was this guy. I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s been on my mind for almost a year. He isn’t just any guy though. He’s an adult. He was there for me when I needed him. He’s my ex best friends step dad. She told him what was going on with me. He stayed up talking to me and he got me drunk.. I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn’t have drank. Things got awkward and semi sexual. I admit that that was wrong as well. But a part of me liked it. A part of me felt important. A part of me fell for him. And all of me feels like shit for my feelings. He’s getting charged with things for what happened. The police think he wanted me to fall asleep so he could finger me and they think he had sexual intentions. But for some reason I can’t wrap my head around that. I trusted him. Why would he try to do that. The part of me that fell for him can’t stop thinking about him. Even when I was with my boyfriend my mind was on him and I hate this. Like why am I thinking this was about a 30 year old when I’m only 16.. I feel like a whore. My mom and therapist want me to go to victims counseling because I feel bad and I don’t want him to go to jail. They don’t know about my feeling towards him…
What do I do..?
Is it weird that I don’t want to stop cutting? Like it’s been a part of me for four years. When I tried to throw my razors away I literally cried. I feel as if I deserve everything I do to myself. Like cutting isn’t a cry for help or a cry for attention. Cutting is just a coping method or a punishment in a way. It’s hard to explain. It’s just so confusing and ughhhhh.
So today I’m suppose to go on a date with this guy I think I like. But I’m freaking out. I’m terrified that he’ll turn out like my exes and try pressuring me into doing things or try to take advantage of me. There’s also the fact of what if I don’t like him as much as I think I do. And what if I screw this up. Like whenever I have a a good thing going I do something to mess it up. I’m so scared for today. It’s also my first date ever.
Last year I was best friends with this girl. When something was wrong she was the first person I called to talk to. Over the Summer her ex started liking me. We got into a huge fight over it and now she hates me. I’ve tried so many times to be her friend again but it never works. When I’m nice to her she ends up spreading rumors. And now she’s talking to her ex again who started rumors about her. Why do I miss her like crazy? I don’t get this. It’s so confusing.