I know I said I’d leave this site. I know I said I’d attempt and end it all. It doesn’t matter now, half-hearted attempts won’t get me anywhere. I guess I’ll just have to wait until I finally go insane for me to be able to end my pathetic life. Life certainly doesn’t improve at adulthood, turning 18 just makes shit more complicated, for anyone wanting to tell me that I should wait and stay alive. Typically, it seems 90% of the people I remember seeing here have gone for good and I’m just left here. That’s always how it goes, no matter […]
Ill wind up dead sooner or later so this’ll be my goodbye to those who have known me on here, to be honest, I don’t know when I’ll die but at this rate, not very long. This will be the last post I make here so bye.
I spend all fucking week trying to pray someone is ok and hasn’t attempted, and when the weekends are the only chance to know. Then, after making everything seem fine she always gets all suicidal at the weekends. So basically I have torment all week.
And nobody seems to care about me. They do at first but after that? No. They stop talking and don’t seem to care to ask how I am after that, regardless of how much goes on in their lives. Ugh I’m getting sick of this shit.
Well I’ve just failed at hat could possibly be the only salvation from this depression I could’ve had. But no, I’d rather seem to throw it all away and destroy myself. I can’t cope anymore, but mostly, I can’t cope with who I am anymore.
I am worthless. I seem to hurt people I know without even meaning to and I feel so alone. I feel myself going crazy but I feel there’s nothing I can do. What I would give for a hug or just someone who I could talk to. I feel like I’m just a dead guy walking. If I’m not at home, I’m at school and then I want to kill myself as much as I would at home because I can’t handle either place. I’ve fucking made everything bad that has happened in my life
I think I am indeed going insane. In a heartbeat I’ll be gone from being numb to aching for a blade in my hand. I cut but I don’t understand why – I don’t feel anything. 50 times last night and I don’t feel anything. I was going to make myself homeless, but even any benefits I could’ve gained from that would’ve gone out of the window now. There’s nothing I can do to make my life worth living. So I’ll just sit here until I go completely insane or I slit my wrists, either way, it isn’t going to end well.
Due to the […]
Death captures my mind for a second,
Long enough that I stay with the thought
Just thinking,
Thinking of what it could bring.
I look upon it eagerly, to learn it’s secrets,
A synesthesia of the unknown, but yet tangible,
Conceivable, to a slightest degree,
But maintaining the unknown that keeps me,
A hope and a wish, that is all;
No better than wishing for hope
But dying seems more likely for me.
All will be reduced to a resonance,
As if a footprint left upon a river bed,
It would go soon too, and leave like me,
And everything I am reduced to a singularity
I cut. And it didn’t do anything. The blood fell but I didn’t feel anything. I thought that was the whole point – to feel something?? Because I didn’t feel anything, that taught me a lot. That taught me that there is no hope for me to ever feel anything, I go through every day without feeling anything, and nothing, not even pain, can stop that numbness.
It makes me want to cut more, and deeper. It makes me want to do as much as I have to so that I can feel something. I never felt satisfied from it. Usually people start off fine […]
I’m guessing that the knife I got for my birthday will have a lot more use than it was ever meant to have. I’m glad nobody knows about this.
Death is all that’s on my mind.
So today was it. Today was the final nail in the coffin. Every reason to stay alive has gone. I’m now a free person in a way.
On January 3rd I met someone who was beyond words to me. I met the most beautiful person I have ever known. After falling in love together, she attempted suicide 5 days afterwards, at 5:09am, and I was sat there, emailing her as she slipped away. Later that day I was emailed by her account. It was her mother. The mother blamed me for it all. I understand why she did, she loved her daughter, because she cares […]
I like how anyone I talk to is suicidal, it’s never anyone else.
There really isn’t that much keeping me sane right now…
Recently, I have lost 2 people I knew through this website, and a couple more are very close. It’s saddening to me, and I’m sure there are many others I haven’t known that are gone too, so I just want to say rest in peace to those people, here, as a tribute to their lives. As for the ones I have known, RIP Charlie and Lexie, I know how bad you were feeling and I’m pretty sure you’ll be gone. And my best wishes go to those who are close to killing themselves.
You can’t go, you’re too beautiful to me,
Not when we’re this far, I wish you could see,
There is a hope, a hope for just me and you,
That we’ll forget it all, and start something new,
You’re more than I could ask, that I could want,
But I ask you to stay, otherwise I just can’t,
I cry, when I think of you as being gone,
My reasons to stay, would be all but none…
You have helped, you’ve done me a favour,
For making me feel love, you are my saviour,
You are my guardian angel, lighting my way,
Without you, your light’ll […]
It feels like everything I do is just me trying to stop something inevitable, someone else’s life matters to me more than my own, but I can’t seem to stop them from taking it.
I was once told that suicidal people were people just fishing for compliments. I think it’s a little more than just that.
I was thinking of memories of the past. All the friends I never really had, and all the people that left me. I would give anything to return to then, even though it was shit, it was better. At least I couldn’t see that my friends were being decided by my parents, or that the school lunchtime supervisors were told to spy on me, or that I had been manipulated to want certain things and go to certain schools. No, I couldn’t see any of that. I even still believed my parents cared about me then. Ignorance really is bliss.
I hate life. I hate (almost) everyone. I hate education. I hate trying for a pointless future. I hate hope. I hate myself. I hate my feelings. I hate persevering.
I stare at you, and I cannot ever stop,
To see it’s just a picture, makes my heart drop,
I see all of your beauty, and that’s why I look,
As I know you love me, and my heart, you took,
It’s a reminder of you, one I’m glad to see,
It’s for when you aren’t there, like now, for me,
I want you back, to know you are well,
But I can’t know, and I can’t ever tell…
When I see you, I feel tears behind my eyes,
You make me feel, when the inside dies,
I look upon your smile, and I smile too,
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