velveteennightingale

Don’t you hate when people pull the other-people-have-suffered-more-and-had-a-positive-takeaway crap? Like don’t compare people’s suffering and their takeaways like it’s a fucking scale!

The person I’m very close to moved away. I’m so depressed. I have no one. I’m too depressed to even eat. Everything tastes like ash in my mouth. My dad lied. He said he’d get me help. He never did. Whatever. Probably nothing would help me anyway.

I’m trying to stop cutting so the cuts don’t show through my dance tights but it’s so hard and it’s only been like a week and a half! The only thing I can think about for the last two nights is killing myself-which hasn’t happened to me in a little bit. God, I feel so dead inside. I don’t know what to do. 🙁

I am taking a lot of dance classes this fall probably which makes me happy because dance is the one thing that brings me joy but you can see my cuts through the required pink tights and I haven’t told my family that I cut. Plus, so now if I need to cut I’ll have to do it only on my stomach?! Idk if I can do that. Also, I’m really sad because I will never be a professional dancer because I got such a late start but I really wish I could be-because dance is the only thing holding me together right now. I […]

My dad hasn’t mentioned the psychiatrist again. Does he just not realize how bad my depression is? Btw my misophonia is getting worse and worse. I know I look like a jerk because I have to leave during dinner and anytime someone eats around me I have to inconspicuously close my ears. And I have a tendency to come across as a jerk or freak out when I’m frustrated. I hate my personality and my life!!!

I regret having told my dad about my depression because now I’m really anxious all the time and feel like I’m letting him down if I don’t fake that I’m happy. Also I spend most time alone in my bedroom but he told me not to so now I feel naked without that safety. And of course telling him didn’t help. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Stupid extra thought: I daydream like obsessively about different situations-having a friend, etc, and recently I’ve daydreamed about having a service/emotional support dog so that it could come with me everywhere and comfort me when I’m […]

I told my dad last night that I keep on feeling more and more introverted. He told me that he thought nothing was wrong but that maybe I was a little depressed. I couldn’t help it-I burst into tears. I told him I was depressed and had been for a while but left out me being suicidal and cutting. He told me he’d maybe find a psychiatrist or whatever but said that I nurse my feelings and that I have to choose to feel better and that he didn’t understand why I’m depressed because I have “everything going for me”. He just doesn’t understand. And […]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m getting more and more introverted. I’ll spend all day every day alone in my bedroom and when I have to be around people I’ll feel panicky or feel like hiding away from everyone. A few days ago I went to an event that I was required to go to and everyone was talking to each other and I sat in a corner by myself for literally an hour and a half. I don’t look forward to social events and dread having to speak. I don’t do anything for most of the day-I lay in bed and listen […]

I hate when my family presumes to know everything about me-like what I said about my dad “knowing” there’s nothing pathological in me. My mom said I need to broaden my taste in movies because she’s thinks I hate chick flicks because I always say I don’t want to watch them because I think I’ll be judged or feel guilty because the rest of the fam thinks they’re really stupid. I said she was wrong, that I have more tastes and she said, “right like you don’t feel comfortable telling us your tastes because we’ll judge you”. But that’s just the thing! I am scared […]

I’m so so ugly inside and very much outside. Is it even possible that anyone would ever love me or think I’m beautiful? I don’t think I’d ever believe someone if they said that.

Somebody I’m close to is moving away so this fall I will be by myself. I’ve already said I’m homeschooled and I literally have zero friends-I don’t even have acquaintances. I’m really worried and depressed because I’m already depressed but it’s going to be even worse this fall. My parents would never put me in school so I will have nothing to do or look forward to all year. What should I do? How am I going to be able to cope when I already can’t cope right now?

Why do I feel sleepy after I give myself ALOT of cuts?

I love looking up psych stuff and taking mental illness questionnaires because I want to know what’s wrong with me. My family knows it’s a hobby/obsession of mine (don’t know what’s wrong with me though) and I exhibit lots of weird symptoms and I said some really minor stuff and my dad said I don’t have pathology because you can’t cover that up and somebody would notice and that maybe I want to “have a disorder because you don’t like yourself.” I said that he doesn’t know everything about me and he said to give him more credit-but he obv doesn’t know about my depression, […]

I went to another class and I tried really hard. I even humiliated myself by asking the teacher to do it with just me and I tried but I just can’t keep anything straight in my head. I think everyone thought I was a loser and I looked so gross in the mirror I couldn’t look. I felt really humiliated and stupid in class although the teacher was nice and then I cried after I left. I did watch the TED talk so I promise I won’t give up but ugh…i literally can’t think of anything I hate more than myself! I suck at everything […]

I attended my first dance class ever. I was horrible. The worst in the group. No matter what I try I always suck at it! I suck at everything! And I can’t concentrate on anything today. Nothing to look forward to. I looked overweight in the studio mirror. I felt so ashamed of how bad I was and the way I looked. Another great day in my sadly-neverending life.

So I’m thinking about attending dance classes and there isn’t a dress code but I don’t want to wear leggings and makeup doesn’t work. What could I wear to cover up the numerous VERY obvious scars on my thighs? I’m worried about spandex shorts riding up (because I’m not super thin 🙁   ) or a skirt coming up, etc, etc.

I have little work to do these days but after I’m done with it I have nothing to do. I can’t DO anything. Literally NOTHING. Music is my one escape and I can’t even really listen to that recently. I’m going to ask my parents to let me do something this summer tomorrow and I hope they say yes. Not like it will make anything better but wish me luck. This fall I will literally be all alone (except my parents) and I hate that. Trying not to let anyone see how everything’s getting to me but it’s so hard. My bitterness, regret, depression…I guess […]

It’s so fucking irritating! I love some of the same things as my siblings and my dad doesn’t acknowledge that I love it. So we were watching a TV show which I’ve said is my favorite and he doesn’t talk about it with me-only with my siblings. It’s not fair. It’s like I get penalized for not wanting to put my feelings on a plate for everyone to see. And because my sister shares EVERYTHING even when it’s excessive she gets praised. I have so much pent up anger and frustration and hurt that I feel like I’m going to burst!!!!! My anxiety is skyrocketing […]

I am losing human contact. I find myself shifting away from human touch and interaction, even with my family, but nobody notices. I feel dead dead so dead. Does anybody else do this? Why am I reacting in this way when I crave human contact and interaction?