Author

WiltedRoses88

Laughed out of a therapist’s office…

by WiltedRoses88 6/30/2015

written by WiltedRoses88

… and at the end of my rope. I don’t know where to go or what to do. I have attempted suicide twice and am clearly too inept and too much of a coward to end my life properly. I have been dealing with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for fifteen years and have been on a variety of medications and have seen three different therapists to try and fix the problem. Today, I was told my feelings were (verbatim) “bullshit”; followed by a laugh and the shake of a head. The appointment ended with her saying “you make me laugh”. Thanks Paula.

I can barely […]

6/30/2015 4 comments

A faithful wife

by WiltedRoses88 5/10/2015

written by WiltedRoses88

That’s all I have ever wanted to be; a faithful wife. Sadly, having had you in my life, this will never happen. The only desire in my heart for my entire life has been to simply devote myself completely to someone else and now I know that this will never happen. The depression and anxiety have been eating me alive for years but I hung on with the hope that I would eventually fulfill my dream. Now that this can’t happen, I struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. Oh, I have also since developed bulimia and attempted suicide (though the last […]

5/10/2015 4 comments

Not Again…

by WiltedRoses88 5/7/2015

written by WiltedRoses88

Waking up from a failed suicide attempt is one of the worst feelings I have experienced in my life. Twice. Why can’t I just die? I would gladly give my life to save someone else if I could.

5/7/2015 1 comment

Weak

by WiltedRoses88 2/8/2015

written by WiltedRoses88

If I were to describe myself in one word it would be just that: weak. I hate myself so much I can’t stand to look in the mirror everyday. I hate myself for allowing all of these awful things to happen to me. If I would have just listened to my gut instinct and walked away from a lot of situations (including meeting you), I wouldn’t be in this position right now. I hate you and more importantly, I hate myself for not staying away from you. You have completely wrecked every part of my life and I know that it gives you an immense […]

2/8/2015 4 comments

Never again

by WiltedRoses88 2/1/2015

written by WiltedRoses88

I will never be alright again after the things you did to me.

2/1/2015 3 comments

Screaming at an invisible man…

by WiltedRoses88 11/15/2014

written by WiltedRoses88

I used to have faith of some kind (no specific religion; I considered myself to be Agnostic) but after having experienced life and seeing so many horrible things, I no longer believe in a “higher power”. The chaos of life and the fact that there is no control and ultimately no consequences for the vicious acts that humans carry out every day is terrifying. I often find myself cursing at God and then reminding myself that no one can hear me.

With the exception of going to work, I live my life in absolute isolation because I don’t trust anyone (twenty some odd years and I haven’t met one […]

11/15/2014 1 comment

Is there another side?

by WiltedRoses88 11/12/2014

written by WiltedRoses88

Along with the overwhelming fear of failing an attempt (again), I have always been afraid of succeeding and finding some place worse than life on this Earth. Do people who commit suicide go to some type of “Hell”? Is there a Hell? Is there an afterlife? Will I be welcome to it if I force myself into it? Or is death like a dreamless sleep from which one never awakes? This notion terrifies me but is comforting at the same time. There may be nothing there at all which includes no depression, no anxiety, no more fear of death, no more hardships from life; there may just […]

11/12/2014 5 comments

“Why don’t you just get help”?

by WiltedRoses88 11/8/2014

written by WiltedRoses88

If I had a dollar for everytime I have heard someone use that phrase (in reference to anyone, not just me), I would be a millionaire. It is difficult to even dream of getting more “help” when you have taken every medication available for anxiety and depression and talked to a variety of counselors only to have it all blow up in your face. The medication made me put on fifty pounds (which took almost two years to lose) and the last counselor I was seeing told me word for word that I was a selfish coward for even considering suicide. Years later, all of that wasted time, effort and […]

11/8/2014 4 comments

Ready to check out

by WiltedRoses88 11/5/2014

written by WiltedRoses88

I have been ready to “check out” if you will for the last fourteen years of my life. I feel that I have so much to say but have lost the desire to speak. The only reason that I am still here is because I can’t muster the strength to try again due to the fear of not being successful. I wish there were a way to put my worries at ease although I know that is an impossible need to fulfill.

11/5/2014 2 comments