I can’t put the knife down.
I need a reason to live. Someone give me a reason to live!!
I love my mother. I love her so much, I don’t ever want to hurt her. My family is the only reason keeping me alive. But right now, I don’t really care about that. I’m too blinded by the pain, I just can’t take it anymore. I want to die so bad.
Cutting has gone this far. The pain doesn’t want to go away anymore. My heart is so heavy.
Very slowly. Every minute that passes. I’m dying.
I was taking it one minute at a time to try and live. But now, I’m dying every minute that passes by. With every breath that I take. I’m slowly dying. A walking zombie. A walking, slowly decomposing body. Maybe I’m even starting to smell.
I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!! I want to die. I want to die so bad.
I have a knife in my hands. I keep fighting the urge to plunge it into my gut or my throat. I fucking hate myself so much. I deserve the most painful and torturous death ever. I deserve to suffer.
Only […]
Why? Why is everything so fucking hard? I thought I was getting better. I thought my feelings and emotions were returning. I thought I was finally feeling human again.
But I’m not.
I don’t feel alive. I’m stuck in the middle. Between life and death. I was trying to choose life, but it’s not working. I can’t choose death. Not yet.
I want to die, but I can’t. I try to live, but it’s hard. Life never brings anything for me. Death is well within reach, but I can’t end it.
I hate being STUCK. I hate being TRAPPED.
When is the pain going to end?
I don’t want to cut […]
It’s 1:30 am and I just woke up from yet another terrifying dream, after sleeping for less than 2 hours. The torture just doesn’t stop. I feel terrible. I’m fighting the urge to cut right now by studying. Haaa… It’s not really working out. Can’t really concentrate. I can barely stop thinking about the terrible dream. Doing Psychiatry right now is killing me as well.
Just decorated my thigh with 275 cuts, still the pain doesn’t go away. What do I have to do then? I hate feeling this way.
… Numb.
Just got news that a guy we attended university with passed away. Car accident. It’s weird. He just qualified. Only started working on the 4th of Jan. Hasn’t even received his first paycheck yet. Now he’s dead.
Another guy died in a car accident last year. He was in his final year as well. There were 5 of them in the car and only he died, the others survived.
I don’t really know how to feel. I’m just numb. It’s sad really. People who really deserve to be around are dying. Just when his life was about to get better. The 6 year struggle at Medical […]
I’m asking this because I think this is why everyone in our neighborhood hates my family. This is why they harassed me and ended up killing my brother.
We are pretty much the only decent and properly groomed children in my area. Kids younger than me have a kid or 2. They are school dropouts with no future. They are drug addicts and so on.
In my family though, we are all going to school and making a name for ourselves.
My father is the breadwinner of the family. He needs to retire now. He has been working too hard. My mother is a housewife. She had to. […]
And I aint going nowhere until I feel it’s time for me to go.
I’m more determined than ever to stick to my plan.
I am filled with so much anger and hatred, it scares me. The things that run through my head scare the shit out of me. I shouldn’t be having these thoughts. I shouldn’t be having all these homicidal thoughts. But, they are all I’m holding onto right now. They are what keeps me sane. My head is all fucked up.
I live with monsters. I can see myself slowly becoming a monster as well. They keep poking. Well, I will finally poke them back.
Poke […]
I wasn’t going to post anything today. I had a rather nice day. Something that rarely happens. Then it got fucked.
They keep poking. Time to give them what they want.
I am going to kill someone, I swear.
Tonight is the night I die.
Free is far from being free. Free is far from being Happy. For I am merely a prisoner of my own mind. It tortures me. Day in… Day out…
Each day I wake up feeling like… Well… Like shit. I feel like shit. Every damn day of my miserable life. Every day is a fucking struggle. A constant battle to keep myself alive. To not let the constant desire to die win. To fight to see yet another day.
I am losing… Terribly.
I have reached the end. I have reached my limit. I am so done. I am so done with the constant feelings of being stuck […]
Not that it was off anyway.
I’m so tired of taking all this shit from these people who call themselves my neighbours. I AM SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW.
These sons-of-a-bitches think they can just mess with my little sister any way they want. My sister was in tears after being harassed by my so-called filthy shitty, motherfucking neighbours. Not the killers. The killers are long gone. But their fucked up relatives who are still around. The bitches who hid the killers from the cops.
I’ve never been so fucking pissed in my life. I wanted to fucking beat up a *****. They gave me a chance to […]
I’m sick of feeling this way. I’m drained. I’m physically drained. Tired. I’m sick of being trapped. I’m sick of being stuck like this.
I have been wanting to die more than anything in the past few days. I know I can’t. I know I shouldn’t. But I want to. I want to so bad. I want to die. I really, really want to die. I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life.
My head is heavy. Even my body is a huge weight. I still can’t get out of bed.
I’ve been cutting like crazy. I’m running out of room on my left thigh. I […]
From cutting to smoking weed like I’m fucking Lucky Dube. Yep. At least the pain is better. That’s all I have to say.
I still want to die.
Yes. Today will go down as one of the shittiest days I’ve ever had to go through. Never has my depression been so crippling. I feel physically ill. Like I want to throw up. I have one hell of a headache. I can barely get out of bed. My muscles are weak. I am shaking.
Maybe it’s partly because I haven’t been sleeping lately. But, I’m terrified of sleeping. I’m tired of the nightmares.
I am so passively suicidal today, it’s a good thing I have no strength to do anything… But type, I guess. Letting it out this way helps.
I just cut. After a month or […]
This has got to be the shittiest day of my life. I’m at that point. That point. The point that scares the shit out of me and yet excites me at the fucking time. The point where I could just die right now and I wouldn’t give a fucking shit.
Please, someone just kill me now. I can’t stand this shit anymore.
I’m sitting on my bedroom floor. I’m bleeding out. I can hear people talking in the living room. I’m not calling out for help. I’ll just listening to music and drift off.
I hate my head. It keeps torturing me. Why do I have to go […]
I’ll be using SP as my dream journal as long as I’m having these horrible nightmares.
I dream about that day. The day he died. I have been dreaming about it mostly every time I go to sleep. This was one reason I refused to sleep for weeks. I didn’t want to sleep because I was afraid of seeing him in my dreams. Afraid of losing him over and over again. In my dreams is where he is alive. I wake up to the reality that he is gone. That’s what hurts more than anything. Each time, he dies. I try to save him somehow, but […]
My head is torturing me. I keep having this very vivid image in my head. This dream that haunts me even when I’m awake. It gives me one hell of a motherfucking headache also.
I walk into the house. It doesn’t matter how the dream begins, I always end up in the house. My house. I’m immediately greeted by the smell of blood. I think it has a smell. Especially blood associated with death. Something you never forget.
The smell of that blood is imprinted in my mind. The blood I was covered in when he was killed. I think I got some in my mouth. But, […]
I’m drowning… I’m dying…
My family has been suffering a huge financial strain since my brother died. We are quite a big family. At the moment, my father is the only one working. He and my brother kept the family going, now all the weight of the family is on him. He’s left to keep us afloat on his own, and it’s really hard.
My older sister is a nursing student. She had to quit college because of financial issues.
Now everything is on me.
I’m under so much pressure. I’ll be starting my Final Year of Medical School on the 18th. I’m in need of strength to carry […]
Really? Like really?
How the hell do I do this every day? I’m tired. I want to stop smiling. Nothing in me feels like smiling. Yet, when someone talks to me, I give them the warmest smile that makes it seem as though I’m okay.
How do I do this? I feel like I’ve been programmed to smile or something. Have I become that good at faking being okay and happy that I don’t even know how to shut it off anymore? I’m tired of faking now.
I just cried my eyes out while taking a bath. Then I get out, and I’m smiling like nothing happened. […]
My 3 year old niece sang me happy birthday over the phone. That was really cute and it made me smile. I also cried a little because I miss her. I haven’t seen her in a while. So, for a moment I forgot about the pain. For a moment…
It’s a new year. A new day. Same damn shit, different day. It’s just another shitty day. Nothing special. That’s how I feel about this day.
Happy New Year SP. Hope your year turns out better. I see mine going downhill and fast.
So the horror that is my life begins…
N.N.M
Please log in to report posts