General

I am smiling. It’s probably some sick smile because I don’t think it’s an appropriate reaction to what happened.

So, anyway, the therapist I’ve been working with for about 3 months – sometimes twice a week for 2 hours at a time doing EMDR – sent me an email to shit-can me today.

Seriously.

That’s right, folks. Go for help and get shit-canned. TRUST NO ONE.

I laugh. Did she really think that drugging up past trauma wasn’t going to generate some sort of dissociation? Depression? Suicidal thoughts? She is a TRAUMA RESOLUTION SPECIALIST but she can’t work with dissociative states? FTW? FTW?

And, she emails to inform me of this […]

My best friend in the world just said she didn’t want to be friends with me. Said we don’t talk enough in person. We tell each other everything and text all day. But we don’t see each other much. Dammit.

I am cripplingly fatigued for what seems like every second of every day.  I have no motivation to go anywhere or do anything, and it’s gotten so bad I just want it all to end.  I feel that life is wasted on me.

The thing that just destroys me inside is that I have the potential to lead a decent life; I know what it would take for me to get my shit together and I keep trying and psyching myself out.  I’m reasonably intelligent and girls seem to find me attractive but I also have a crippling shyness that has completely devastated me socially.  It’s […]

Ready to die. That’s what I’ve been for a really long time.

I call myself ready to die. I’ve always wanted to die. Since I was 7 years old. I just don’t understand. I have a good life, considering. I am a straight-A student. My parents are not abusive; I have never been bullied nor hurt; so what makes me suicidal? Death has always been a goal of mine. Online, I’ve searched for poisons like hydrogen cyanide. I’ve always had a fascination with blood, too. My dreams are filed with gory images of me slicing people open while they scream. I’m obviously messed-up. I feel that […]

For the first time in a long time, I wanted to die last night. I had the weight of everyone and everything on my shoulders, and to make the pain and strain less, I cut my left thigh 4 times with a razor blade. The cuts were deep, which is a cutter’s dream. I wanted so badly to cut my wrists, but I didn’t want to bother with trying to hide them later on from my family. I’ve been sick this past week with a cold, and my stepmom bought me a knock-off brand of Nyquil. I took 3 shots of that, hoping it would take […]

I’m done. I can’t continue this way of planning my death and then being unable to follow through with it. Now my plan is to just wait until I have an opportunity to kill myself. That’s what I mean by “passively suicidal” – I want to die but I’m not acting upon it, I’m just waiting. But, I’m a pessimist so I know that I probably won’t end up killing myself. I just hope that if I find myself at the top of a building, I’ll have the courage to throw myself over the ledge.

I was actively suicidal not too long ago. I still remember […]

I don’t want to be here. It feels like I am in a room and there is very little oxygen here. It feels suffocating. I have to strive very hard to breath. It feels tormenting. I feel like the walls are coming in from all the 6 sides. And I am gonna be smashed. There are no doors or windows over here. The walls are sound proof. No matter how much I shout no1 can hear me. Some1 has placed heavy weight on my heart I feel like crying the whole time but I can’t find even a single tear in my eyes. I am […]

Sometimes I’ll see someone post here and hardly type but a few words. I’ve wondered why. This morning, I think I get it…

Sometimes there are too many words to describe the pain they feel. Too much in their head to convey in words. Maybe they do say a lot but it’s inside them as they type but a few words. Or, maybe those few words carry a heaviness that we don’t realize.

So, when I type:

I feel so sad.

I hope you know it means more than you know.

a pathetic lonely lesbian who is in love with her straight best friend whom she’ll never tell.
who is still in her closet.
has stopped making friends.
is failing in college.
have parents she cant share with her feelings with coz her dad is a businessman who only thinks about money and is always busy.
whose mom is a housewife and overly emotional with low bp.
a brother she cannot rely on.
who cant be with a book infront if her for more than 10 minutes
who is a coward
afraid of death
still wants to suicide
wants this pain to end
and painlessly
cant […]

hey well im still kinda new to this site and I not so sure how to work it properly… any tips?

schools starts tomorrow. it will be a miracle if i get any sleep tonight.

i hate my class

i hate my teachers

i hate my (so called) friends

i hate my cheap school

well, wish me luck.

I am trying by myself to figure out what is wrong with me why I feel so sad and have such dark thoughts about death and just..why? I want to talk to someone about me and why am I so twisted? What did I do to deserve these feelings that are slowly killing me inside. The words that are not being said. The tears that are being stifled for fear of being found out that yes I am depressed and need help. I want help but at the same time I don’t want to be a burden. I hate my body. I hate how ugly […]

I’m sick of posting about my brother, but sometimes I just don’t understand him at all.

Mothers day is coming up, he wants to take his wife and our mum to this expensive restaurant (I am a full time student and I have just got a new part time job, so still no money, plus I have bills coming up that are over $500). The cost is $80 a head for three meals, if I had the money I would go.

Anyway, mum has been really sick and can only eat bland food, my sister in law is really sick from being pregnant, but he refuses to […]

Back in 1988 I was in high school.  In my art class there was this girl that sat across from me, literally 7 feet away.  She was cute, I noticed her, we made eye contact once at least.  She was new at the school, she had only been there for a couple of weeks I guess.  I knew her name was Dina Reif.  During spring break I liked to read the local newspaper.  I like to look at the headlines, then the sports, the comics and for some reason I always read the obits.  I was sitting there on the couch and I saw a […]

Yeah I was right it only gets worse. Bad stuff after bad stuff. I’m really tired of all of this. I just want out. My suicide attempt failed and I really wish I was dead. I don’t see why it has to be this way. I was born dysfunctional. I’m never been this disappointed. I regret what I did and I have 2 felony’s. How fucking great wonder how I’m gonna get a job next year. I think I will not wake up tomorrow.  Well I hope this try works.

im sure everyone can agree with me when i say this… why god, why do you do it. if you really love us then why make us go through pain. if you know the future, then dont let us live if were destined to suffer. or kill us when we sit there crying and begging for you to send your word for us to die…. iv lost the one person who meant the world to me tonight, and she might be dead… i cant do this anymore, yes i have my other friend and she loves me but i just cant take this anymore… god… […]

Your words are forever sketched onto my skin,
They cover me like a blanket,
They mark me and label me.
You may not know the damage that has been done,
But I do.
I’ll never escape the past,
Whatever I do,
Wherever I go,
I’ll carry them on me,
Like a tattoo.