General

2 days and I’m walking out of the school gates. To that bridge. I will tie the rope, tightly. I will tie the other end around my neck. I will jump. I’m not afraid. It WILL work. Or so help me I WILL resort to shooting myself.

i had that gun in my hand. just checking to see if he leaves it loaded. he does. set it right back where i found it. don’t want to give myself away. “keep holding on when my brain’s ticking like a bomb.” pretty much sums up what is going on. my thanks to korn. one part of me is saying eff this i’m outta here. another part says no -i can’t do that to the people who love me. if my psychology is correct the first is the id. the latter the super ego. and it’s the ego who is just listening, absorbing, weighing pros […]

I just wonder if anyone else does this? (I feel stupid asking because I’m betting most all of us do so, sorry.)

There are people that I think about – in my head – and it’s like I’m with them and telling them goodbye. I know if I really did it they would try and stop me so, I guess it’s like telling them without them reacting. Like, I just want to say it and convey all the pain without being judged. Most times it makes me cry, too.

Then, I also notice that there are people that I think of and don’t even want to imagine […]

im falling so hard……..my end is soon…… im giving up………

I was in an emotionally abusive, co-dependent friendship from the ages of 13-16.  It skewed my views on love and friendship.  My friend–we’ll call her “Kendra”–brought me to the brink of ending my own life, then heroically brought me back.  For years, I cut, obsessed over death, and completely lost my sense of self.

I am now 34.  I have not had a “normal” relationship since.

My marriage has been marked by my distorted reality–allowing myself to be walked upon, thinking that he could leave me at the drop of a hat.

Recently–last November, actually–a friend that I met online reached out to me, and helped me to trust […]

And it doesn’t help that no one believes you when you say you believe you’re poisoned.  I’m tired of dealing with all these incompetent doctors who don’t know a thing about mercury toxicity.  I’m tired of being labeled “schizophrenic” and “delusional” simply because I believe I’m poisoned.  It’s beyond frustrating.  I’ve read stories throughout this website about people talking about dealing with diseases that doctors don’t recognize as real.  For example, Chronic lyme, Chronic Fatigue,  Permanent sexual problems from medications.  I’m just so so fucking tired of this shit….  I need a way out but I need to make sure it’ll work.

To those with unexplained […]

I really feel like mentally I can’t handle any of this anymore. I try to remind myself of my friends but it seems useless, I just want all the pain to go away. Sometimes I feel like I can get better, I’m 11 days clean and I’m eating more now but it isn’t helping, I still have a strong urge to die and I hate it, I hate myself for wanting to die, but nothing is making this feeling go away and I think I’ve fallen too deep into this hole. If you guys want to know my story it started when I was little. My parents would hit […]

ever imagine,
a life not like this,
one where you smiled,
and weren’t in an abyss.
ever even think
that there was good to be found,
ever thought you’d feel,
safe and sound?
You didn’t see the horrors,
you didn’t hear the screams,
you didn’t fear daylight
and you didn’t have to bleed,
only in our dreams right?
cause were stuck in the night.
only in a daze right?
cause were still livin with this fright.

Imagine
what would happen
if the world sudddenly was good,
where people would be laughin,
instead of dying where they stood.
Imagine…
imagine the impossible,
the improbable,
the un-knowable…

Ever dream […]

i have lived 42 years. there isnt much i havent done.  i had beauty and intelligence and much success as measured even by societal standards. i have my masters, made Vice Pres before i was 35, achieved a 6-figured income before i was 30, was married to an attorney with 3 children, had a 5500 sq ft home on the water, i have traveled nationally and internationally, i by all standards have seen and done it all…

i have never experienced happiness or joy– ever.

i used to think my childrens births were joy or happiness now I see that I was excited bc I thought I’d […]

It makes me sad that the only time I feel content is during the day.
It’s like at night is when all the bad things pour out. They seep through my pores and sleep in my eyelids. Whoever is reading this, if anybody is at all, I’m sure you know what I mean, right? Surely I’m not the only one. Night time is when things seem to crash down on you, and it sucks. Like it really really sucks. I wish that life wasn’t like this and I wish I wasn’t like this. I feel really content right now, just today. Probably due to my […]

It’s a new day, seize it.
Go for a walk, take a bath, find a grassy field and read a damn book.
Change something. Dye your hair, cut it, try on a new outfit, do your makeup differently.
Help someone across the street, buy a stranger coffee.
Small things make you feel better about yourself, I promise.

So, I went to the bank yesterday. It was kinda funny.

First, I asked the girl at the door about setting up a Transfer on Death for my checking account. She called it Payable on Death but whatever. Then she says sure, she can do that for me. I say, that’s great and tell her I’m going to pay off my credit card bill first and will be right back. Then I walk over to the teller and make my payment (EDIT: to the bank I am at and on the card from that bank with a check from my account at that bank).

So, when I […]

This is a poem I wrote a few months back… I find that poetry is the only thing that calms some of the pain…

Thy sweet embrace,

so tender and soft,

thy lips laced with poison

so as to set me aloft.

Thy gentle touch,

such a loveless caress

thy only aim;

free me from life’s depress.

Thy black eyes,

void of any emotion

thy hath come to get me

to add me to thy soul ocean.

Thy dark cloak,

designed to conceal

but with me here alone,

a hand thou reveal.

Thy raise thou scythe,

my blood runs cold

I swallow my fear

and stand strong and bold.

Thy lower thy blade,

swift and sure

and in and instant,

I am no more

I feel alone in this house. A boyfriend who constantly throws names at me like ‘fat slob’ or ‘fat fucking *****’. The one person who is suppose to be there for you and love you unconditionally is the ONE person who makes your life a living hell! I am the mother of your child for god’s sake, have some respect. But that’s too much to ask, I have to sit here and take it. I’m only 21 I shouldn’t be living like this, I should be enjoying life. Instead I’m not allowed to have any friends, I don’t go outside this house. I no longer […]