General

I sit in my room.. crying.. balling my eyes out.. screaming in my pillow.. why does my life have to be so horrible..? I cant bare it anymore.. i want to die.. i want to leave this ugly world….. People say there are great places in this world.. well i would love to see them…. Can u show me???? Yah thats what i thought.. no one can show me.. canthey…? Wel no one is listening to me.. so no one cares bout me… why should i live if no one cares……… Goodbye

Not yet, probably, but it will be how I go away eventually.

I don’t connect with anyone in the way I’d want to. People drift in and out, but mostly out, and I always feel like they don’t genuinely like me. We don’t connect. Sometimes they find me funny, sometimes maybe even smart and charming, but mostly it seems as though they don’t care about me. They don’t care for me, and I’m scared to be around them.

I have dreams, and I’ve done some things to make them come true, but if it doesn’t pan out, and if it turns out that life isn’t going to […]

As requested on my other posty thing of randomness, here are some garden-shots:

Miaow.

Well, I did have to random it up a bit. 😛

If anyone I know away from the computer sees this post, meh. Not like it really matters at this point in my life.

usually the last*

i look through my contacts, knowing that no one understands me, i cant talk to anyone about why im in such a mess, i feel sick because i’ve been crying and cutting and pushing my body to its limits. why me? why am i like thiss… x

I dont know what to do anymore..

i just turned 25..

I have always been a thinker, i think about everything.. too much at times..I cant say my life was horrible at all times.

I did have a somewhat troubled childhood. But i always try to think that there are others that had it much worse.

like i said im 25 now, i have spent the past few years in and out a psychiatric institution due to my depression. I left the instititution in august.. I  really was better, and i had found some motivation to start again  And right now im living in a house with 4 others, […]

I am weird. I like taking my laptop outside and browsing the internet from my garden. I have four cats and I can describe their mannerisms and personalities with enough detail to fill a novella. I collect miscellaneous original artwork that I purchase at thrift shops. I am a romantic who can design and implement server platforms, and I know my way around *NIX systems. I like to fiddle with Gentoo Linux. I have a fiddle, and I like to play it. I also like to make tobacco pipes out of wood I collect while wandering in the middle of nowhere. I enjoy basket […]

The days now drag on. Not getting better. I have 3 weeks they said until I start to. Each day and each thought push me closer to doing it. I’m still wondering why I haven’t. The fear took me over and let me go. My mind doesn’t stop, doesn’t let me rest. It keeps me up and it asks me why I’m letting it suffer. I have no answers. No one does. I guess I’m living on the hope that someone might. That I could actually get better. I doubt it. I highly doubt it. I feel like a freak. Afraid to let anyone know […]

Such as my username suggests, I’m not sure who I am and am still searching.  I’m 20 right now and I just feel pretty depressed as many are.  I am always confused as to what the meaning of my responses or actions to anything is.  If I do something kind..do i do this kind thing because I am a kind person or because acting kind is part of what I was raised to do because it is the most acceptable way to act in this life?   I have one true friend..one best friend and she’s my roommate at our dorm and always cooks for the […]

i recently met someone terrifying.

someone with problems of his own, who has been nothing but sincerely kind to me since i met him.

when i feel hurt, it’s overwhelming. the strongest power anyone can hold over me is being capable of hurting my feelings.

i don’t remember what this “trust” thing is. i cannot begin to comprehend giving someone that power.

this person is patient and respectful and if i could trust anyone, it’d be him. i honestly don’t know how to trust someone when the idea of it cripples me with fear.

If i died right now…would anyone even care.. i dont think so… I bet no one would even know if i was gone..

I met a lady.  One from my past who knows the rumors about my phobias and psychosis.  She does not seem to be judgmental at all.  The meds are working. I am defiantly still suicidal, but things are looking up.

Although I am hopeful, I still have these unrelenting doubts that come with sudden success.  All of these great feelings of happiness could easily become a memory in a matter of a moment.  What ifs are simply overwhelming, but for some reason I do not care as much as I used to.

The most important feeling I have right now is I simply feel a connection with the person I […]

Because I know I do.

alone again. here we are trying to hang by a thread. But goin nowhere fast. With nowhere to run. I dont care thou. The options are suicide or change of scenery. Anyone else out there considering suicide Ever consider chancing living wildly first? Knowing i have suicide has opened doors in my mind

Enemy, familiar friend
My beginning and my end
Broken truth, whispering lies
And it hurts again
What I fear and what I try
Words I say and what I hide
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coarsing through my veins
And it’s raging
The fight inside is breaking me again

It’s still the same, pursuing pain
Isn’t worth the lie I’ve gained
We both know how it will end
But I do it again

And it finds me
The fight inside is coarsing through my veins
And it’s raging
The fight inside is […]

I’ve been so relieved the past few days now that I have my out. (waiting for the materials to get here) I saw my med provider yesterday and skirted around the topic. I’ve been working with her for several years, now. She sort of doubles as a therapist.

She said, “What about your sister? And neice? Friends? And what about us?” She reminds me that my “choice” to die would effect many people for as long they live.

So I’m supposed to keep plodding on in order to save everyone in my life having to deal […]

“Happiness is not a reward; it is a consequence. Suffering is not a punishment; it is a result.”
~Robert Green Ingersoll