Yesterday my boyfriend Jonathan wanted to see me naked, and so i told him no. He told me how hard it was to not get things that he wanted, and i was getting a little frustrated over it and i said to him; “Just forget it, if there was a chance i would ever do that, it is gone now.” and then after that he told me; “Im not in the mood for this, my life sucks, bye.” then i said to him “And you think i’m in the mood? get over yourself. life isn’t perfect, and it will never be perfect, and i have the scars to prove it!” And after that he said “Well, i don’t cut myself, so i wouldn’t know!” i swear, in that moment i felt like i fell appart. I told him that in confidance, and he turned it against me. i told him that i couldn’t believe he just said that, he gave me a look that i saw that he just realized what he just said to me, i told him that i never wanted to speak to him again. He just couldn’t get any words out, just a “But…” i was crying by this point, i told him “Jonathan, you really don’t know. You’r life would be heaven to me….” and then just like that he began to yell at me again “Well, i guess you don’t know me that well then!” and that hurt coming from him, especially since i know everything about him, from his birthday, to the last time his mom went to the doctor. i said “I’m glad i don’t. im glad that your life is crappy, my life is crappy, and everyone elses is great!I dont fucking care if you think your life is the worst! Tell me when you are willing to die because of it, then i’ll believe you, i’ll believe you when it gets to that point.” it looked like he was either going to push me out of a window, or hug me, when he said “Why would i want to risk it? I’ll die when i die! Im not going to kill myself! It’s not a piece of cake, life has challenges! You need to know that and buck up! when you get that through your head and stop trying to die, you tell me!” i just wanted to kill him right there ‘buck up’ isn’t that easy. “Try to buck up when life is not a challenge, when you have no control, when you are no longer making the cuts on your skin, when you are no longer the one hurting yourself. Try to buck up when you are worthless, and when people treat you like shit. Try to buck up when pictures taken of you naked in your bedroom being used against you, try being raped, try having videos of kids messing with your body with you knocked out, when you are completely vulnurable, streaming on everyones phones at school while people just laugh at you while you cry. having people touching, and cutting, and hurting you. That is NOT life” he says ‘Then why dont you just fucking kill yourself then! nothing will change!” i tell him “I think i will kill myself, nobody will care, nobody will notice, everyone will be happy i’m gone, everyone wants me dead anyways, and that will never change.”
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3 comments
Your boyfriend is abusive, he doesn’t understand you and you should look for a better guy than him, he is hurting you a lot and you shouldn’t have to deal with him doing that to you,
He is a perv and he can’t understand what you’ve been through, forget about him, don’t give into what he tells you, he is a horrible guy and he shouldn’t be doing this to you
Someone will care if you die, and that someone is your soulmate, there is someone out there for you, it might seem hard to believe that, but there is.
I’ve been through something abit like you. Guys do that to you, so they can have control, so that you will stick around because they have no body else. Most of them are leaches, they drain you untill you have no fight left, they abuse you physically so you know not to fight back, so that can show you who’s boss, who’s on top. They manually abuse you, so you don’t leave them, so they can have controle of you, because there nasty bastards. They treat you like a piece of meat, they force themselves upon you, because there filthy, to them it dosen’t matter if your only 14 and there 5 years older. They don’t care. They pass you around like a dog toy, to there perv mates, just because they can. I got out, don’t get stuck. For your own sake, leave when ever you can, be strong, once your out they can’t get you, they can’t hurt you. If you keep saying that then you won’t end up like me, mentally ruined for life. I hope you do get out, I hope you make it, if you ever want help, I’m here. I can’t bare the thought of another girl going through something that I did x
I’ve been sat here for a while thinking about what to write and that rarely happens, usually it doesn’t take me long at all to write a response.
Had you not written this post never to return to this site all that anyone would know about you would be the information you gave in your two other posts. A lot of people must do that and no one ever hears their story because they kept it bottled up, until they could take no more.
The conversation with your boyfriend isn’t the issue here. He’s an idiot.
You have experienced some very traumatic things. If you aren’t going to be able to come to terms with them on your own then you have to talk to someone. Perhaps you have already.
It takes a long time to develop the mental strength to recover from something like that. The difference in your case is that you feel you can’t because the images are out there and you feel violated. There’s nothing anyone can do about that but the people close to you should let you know that you’re going to be ok and that they will support you.
I don’t know if you reported those kids, if you didn’t I think that’s what you should do. It’s never too late. What have you got to lose.
If you ever get to a point where you cant cope anymore, I hope that you at the very least speak to people on here. I really mean that, it’s important. There are lots of girls on here that have experienced similar sorts of things and they would be more than happy to talk to you.
There’s is nothing to prevent you being the person you should have been. You need to be looked after.